The trip

They all said that I should go and get away. That I should leave my problems at the door and go be worry free. Don't think about the money issues and the stress your life holds right now. Just relax and enjoy.

****I TRIED****

I swear to god I tried. I went with a plan to have a wonderful time and to spend only a small set amount of money. The money that he worked so hard to get for our trip to California. The money that dwindled to damn near nothing by the beginning of our third day of a four day trip. We didn't blow money and we didn't go on a shopping spree. We didn't even do anything that extravagant or special.

What we DID DO was go to California where everything is expensive as hell. Everyone around us was there to spend money. Nobody was trying to save money like us. The front desk of our hotel kept referring to everything that was under $100 as being not that expensive. *Drops jaw*

We did our best to conserve and all the while I did nothing, but run the numbers and constantly think about what that money could do back home. I couldn't stop stressing about one thing or another. I couldn't stop checking my account online and waiting for my phone to ring in my hand. Waiting for a call about a job that I wanted that someone else was given.

***DAMN IT I WANTED THAT JOB***

Long story short...I probably should have just sold my airline tickets, hotel stay and park tickets to someone that could have gone and had the time of their life. While I have several good memories from my first trip with my love, I surely spent way to much of my time moping and stressing about things I can do nothing about from California.

Its a good thing he loves me...because I am pretty sure I would have told him to get the fuck over it a few times in the last four days. All he did was put his arms around me, kiss me and tell me that it was going to be okay. Yep, that's love.

The afterlife

Everyone wants to know what happened. Everyone wants the details of how the job I loved just disappeared.

Well guess what peeps, it just did.

Honestly, I just don't want to talk about it. Its like losing a loved one or an animal, it hurts to talk about it. For the first 3 days after I cried at the thought of not going back. I cried because for the first time in my 30 years I couldn't go back to a place that I love.

I know they say one door closes so another one can open, but does that door really have to smack you in the face when it closes? Its amazing to me how quickly someone can disregard you after you have basically given them your soul. And so, I am left with only what I have learned from this situation....

*Don't give more than you get in life
*Don't make someone or something important to you when you are not important to them
*COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS
*A job is just that, a job.
*You find out who your friends are, and quick
*Find the good in everything around you
*Be grateful and loving always

With that said....I bid you farewell...For now

Whew...Why don't I feel better?

Deep down inside

You know that feeling you get when you know better? When you know that this place you stand is not the right place? I hate that feeling.

The feeling gives you so much uncertainity and such anxiety. Makes you doubt your choices and keeps your from following your gut. Why oh why do my emotions have to control me so much. I feel so powerless to them. Like I am simply just the host of this body and mind, but I have no control over what they do.

I want more. I want happiness. You know the happiness you feel for your life when you take a step back and look at it. I am still in such a place of Limbo that I feel like my feel are not planted on the ground. Days are good and bad as with any life. I'm simply looking for more good days than bad.

I know it will come in time, but did I mention that I am not a patient girl?

Personality much?

I took a personality test today that a good friend at work gave me. It was interesting how easy it was to answer the questions. I wanted an honest judgement from the test. I answered 70 questions with the first thing that came to my mind. Here's what the test came up with.

Your personality type is ENFP

Extrovert, Intuition, Feeling, Perceiving

Where do you prefer to focus your attention? get your energy?

Extrovert

People who prefer extraversion like to focus on the outer world of people and activity. They direct their energy and attention outward and receive energy from interacting with people and from taking action.

How do you prefer to take in information?

Intuition

People who prefer intuition like to take in information by seeing the big picture, focusing on the relationships and connections between facts. They want to grasp patterns and are especially attuned to seeing new possibilities.

How do you make decisions?

Feeling

People who prefer to use feeling in decision making like to consider what is important to them and to others involved. They mentally place themselves into the situation to identify with everyone so they can make decisions based on their values about honoring people. They are energized by appreciating and supporting others. And look for qualities to praise. Their goal is to create harmony and treat each person as a unique individual.

How do you deal with the outer world?

Perceiving

People who prefer to use their perceiving process in the outer world like to live in a flexible, spontaneous way, seeing to experience and understand life, rather than control it. Detailed plans and final decisions feel confining to them; they prefer to stay open to new information and last-minute options. They are energized by their resourcefulness in adapting to the demands of the moment.

My friends response to my test was this.....

There is more to it, but that is the basic summary of your type. (and I must say it describes you to a T) :-p

Well Andrew...I think so too.

Someone like me

I came across the blog of an incredibly open woman who speaks her mind and tells it like she feels it. She talks about the ups and downs of parenting, about how its not easy for all of us.

She swears and drinks. In most peoples eyes this would be considered foul or in the wrong, but to me it makes her human. It makes her honest. Her desire to be only herself, good or bad shines through in every post.

She talks about how parenting doesn't always come naturally to all of us and how much harder it can be to keep your head above water. Specifically, a post she wrote called wearer of many hats really spoke to me. You can take a look at the post by copying the link below.

http://nikkisblitheringblog.momswhodrinkandswear.com/2011/02/28/wearer-of-many-hats.aspx

Cleaning house

Well apparently its time to clean the house out.

Its clear I have people on my facebook page that are clearly not my friend anymore. They are busy judging me and being crude. People that choose to stay in my life so that they can have a good ole time judging me and pointing fingers.

Well my dear friends, this is about to change.

I am posting this as an open forum for you to speak your mind. If we shouldn't be any kind of "friends" then that is fine with me. I know who the people that love me are. And I know who I am. You don't have to like me or put up with me. I know I wouldn't put up with you if you were not being fake to my face and being honest instead.

So I am off to get my delete on.

Peace out!

Dear Anonymous

Well hello there my dearest coward.

I see you have finally opted to saying something to my online face. I could not be any more proud of the ability you have apparently gathered to speak up for yourself. You are such a big girl waith your big bad words trying to tell me how bad of a person I am, all the while making yourself look like an incredible ass.

Maybe you didn't get a chance to read my entire post. Did you happen to see the part where I told you that you could kiss my ass? Maybe you didn't see the part where I pointed out that I will no longer stand for people judging my life? The part where I said that I have been punished long enough and will no longer stand for negative people around me?

Well incase you missed it, and just stopped by to slay your verbal vomit about me, let me make a few things clear. I don't lie. You may not like my opinion and you may not care to hear what I have say, but that is where the you can kiss my ass part comes in. I speak from what I have seen or heard. Also, I do not ever set out to hurt or harm anyone. I make mistakes, and from your spelling I see that you do as well.

With that said, I'll take this time to let you know that you can remove yourself from my life because I don't wish to have pieces of shit in it. And you my "friend" are a complete Piece Of Shit. This is my space, don't bring your presence here just to try and bring me down. You will not get that from me, you will only give me more strength.

Sincerely,

The honest person, who makes mistakes.