Knowin it and showin it

The trip

2011-10-14T16:47:00.000-07:00

They all said that I should go and get away. That I should leave my problems at the door and go be worry free. Don't think about the money issues and the stress your life holds right now. Just relax and enjoy.

****I TRIED****

I swear to god I tried. I went with a plan to have a wonderful time and to spend only a small set amount of money. The money that he worked so hard to get for our trip to California. The money that dwindled to damn near nothing by the beginning of our third day of a four day trip. We didn't blow money and we didn't go on a shopping spree. We didn't even do anything that extravagant or special.

What we DID DO was go to California where everything is expensive as hell. Everyone around us was there to spend money. Nobody was trying to save money like us. The front desk of our hotel kept referring to everything that was under $100 as being not that expensive. *Drops jaw*

We did our best to conserve and all the while I did nothing, but run the numbers and constantly think about what that money could do back home. I couldn't stop stressing about one thing or another. I couldn't stop checking my account online and waiting for my phone to ring in my hand. Waiting for a call about a job that I wanted that someone else was given.

***DAMN IT I WANTED THAT JOB***

Long story short...I probably should have just sold my airline tickets, hotel stay and park tickets to someone that could have gone and had the time of their life. While I have several good memories from my first trip with my love, I surely spent way to much of my time moping and stressing about things I can do nothing about from California.

Its a good thing he loves me...because I am pretty sure I would have told him to get the fuck over it a few times in the last four days. All he did was put his arms around me, kiss me and tell me that it was going to be okay. Yep, that's love.

The afterlife

2011-10-03T13:51:00.001-07:00

Everyone wants to know what happened. Everyone wants the details of how the job I loved just disappeared.

Well guess what peeps, it just did.

Honestly, I just don't want to talk about it. Its like losing a loved one or an animal, it hurts to talk about it. For the first 3 days after I cried at the thought of not going back. I cried because for the first time in my 30 years I couldn't go back to a place that I love.

I know they say one door closes so another one can open, but does that door really have to smack you in the face when it closes? Its amazing to me how quickly someone can disregard you after you have basically given them your soul. And so, I am left with only what I have learned from this situation....

*Don't give more than you get in life
*Don't make someone or something important to you when you are not important to them
*COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS
*A job is just that, a job.
*You find out who your friends are, and quick
*Find the good in everything around you
*Be grateful and loving always

With that said....I bid you farewell...For now

Whew...Why don't I feel better?

Deep down inside

2011-04-06T15:59:00.000-07:00

You know that feeling you get when you know better? When you know that this place you stand is not the right place? I hate that feeling.

The feeling gives you so much uncertainity and such anxiety. Makes you doubt your choices and keeps your from following your gut. Why oh why do my emotions have to control me so much. I feel so powerless to them. Like I am simply just the host of this body and mind, but I have no control over what they do.

I want more. I want happiness. You know the happiness you feel for your life when you take a step back and look at it. I am still in such a place of Limbo that I feel like my feel are not planted on the ground. Days are good and bad as with any life. I'm simply looking for more good days than bad.

I know it will come in time, but did I mention that I am not a patient girl?

Personality much?

2011-03-31T15:54:00.000-07:00

I took a personality test today that a good friend at work gave me. It was interesting how easy it was to answer the questions. I wanted an honest judgement from the test. I answered 70 questions with the first thing that came to my mind. Here's what the test came up with.

Your personality type is ENFP

Extrovert, Intuition, Feeling, Perceiving

Where do you prefer to focus your attention? get your energy?

Extrovert

People who prefer extraversion like to focus on the outer world of people and activity. They direct their energy and attention outward and receive energy from interacting with people and from taking action.

How do you prefer to take in information?

Intuition

People who prefer intuition like to take in information by seeing the big picture, focusing on the relationships and connections between facts. They want to grasp patterns and are especially attuned to seeing new possibilities.

How do you make decisions?

Feeling

People who prefer to use feeling in decision making like to consider what is important to them and to others involved. They mentally place themselves into the situation to identify with everyone so they can make decisions based on their values about honoring people. They are energized by appreciating and supporting others. And look for qualities to praise. Their goal is to create harmony and treat each person as a unique individual.

How do you deal with the outer world?

Perceiving

People who prefer to use their perceiving process in the outer world like to live in a flexible, spontaneous way, seeing to experience and understand life, rather than control it. Detailed plans and final decisions feel confining to them; they prefer to stay open to new information and last-minute options. They are energized by their resourcefulness in adapting to the demands of the moment.

My friends response to my test was this.....

There is more to it, but that is the basic summary of your type. (and I must say it describes you to a T) :-p

Well Andrew...I think so too.

Someone like me

2011-03-30T12:16:00.001-07:00

I came across the blog of an incredibly open woman who speaks her mind and tells it like she feels it. She talks about the ups and downs of parenting, about how its not easy for all of us.

She swears and drinks. In most peoples eyes this would be considered foul or in the wrong, but to me it makes her human. It makes her honest. Her desire to be only herself, good or bad shines through in every post.

She talks about how parenting doesn't always come naturally to all of us and how much harder it can be to keep your head above water. Specifically, a post she wrote called wearer of many hats really spoke to me. You can take a look at the post by copying the link below.

http://nikkisblitheringblog.momswhodrinkandswear.com/2011/02/28/wearer-of-many-hats.aspx

Cleaning house

2011-03-29T10:14:00.000-07:00

Well apparently its time to clean the house out.

Its clear I have people on my facebook page that are clearly not my friend anymore. They are busy judging me and being crude. People that choose to stay in my life so that they can have a good ole time judging me and pointing fingers.

Well my dear friends, this is about to change.

I am posting this as an open forum for you to speak your mind. If we shouldn't be any kind of "friends" then that is fine with me. I know who the people that love me are. And I know who I am. You don't have to like me or put up with me. I know I wouldn't put up with you if you were not being fake to my face and being honest instead.

So I am off to get my delete on.

Peace out!

Dear Anonymous

2011-03-28T17:37:00.000-07:00

Well hello there my dearest coward.

I see you have finally opted to saying something to my online face. I could not be any more proud of the ability you have apparently gathered to speak up for yourself. You are such a big girl waith your big bad words trying to tell me how bad of a person I am, all the while making yourself look like an incredible ass.

Maybe you didn't get a chance to read my entire post. Did you happen to see the part where I told you that you could kiss my ass? Maybe you didn't see the part where I pointed out that I will no longer stand for people judging my life? The part where I said that I have been punished long enough and will no longer stand for negative people around me?

Well incase you missed it, and just stopped by to slay your verbal vomit about me, let me make a few things clear. I don't lie. You may not like my opinion and you may not care to hear what I have say, but that is where the you can kiss my ass part comes in. I speak from what I have seen or heard. Also, I do not ever set out to hurt or harm anyone. I make mistakes, and from your spelling I see that you do as well.

With that said, I'll take this time to let you know that you can remove yourself from my life because I don't wish to have pieces of shit in it. And you my "friend" are a complete Piece Of Shit. This is my space, don't bring your presence here just to try and bring me down. You will not get that from me, you will only give me more strength.

Sincerely,

The honest person, who makes mistakes.

Lost and found

2011-03-28T12:59:00.000-07:00

It feels like a switch was flipped, like something changed almost overnight.

I feel stronger, more confident and more "me".

It took a "talk" from two different men in my life that mean a lot from me. One is my very good friend and one owns my heart. What was said, I am sure you are wondering. "Mainly, who the hell are you and what did you do with Rachel? I want her back". Where's the girl who loved herself and didn't give a shit what anyone else thought as long as she knew she believed in what she was doing and where she was going? The woman who would stand her ground and speak her mind. The woman who got mad and you knew it.

Honestly, I don't know how I got away from her. All I know at this moment is that I am way past done keeping her quiet. I was shaken, I was bruised and I was scared. And you know what, I am straight done with it.

I am a good mother and an incredible friend. I fight for those I love and stand up for what I believe. I may feel as though I stand alone more times than not, but I am strong enough to stand and that is all that matters. I have been holding so much in for fear of judgement and people not liking who I am.

Well you know what, if you don't like my life or my choices then you can just kiss my ass. This is who I am and you know what, that's okay with me.

Sincerely,

Big,bad Rachel

Strength

2011-03-13T22:02:00.000-07:00

Has anyone seen my strength?

I have looked high and low, in and out. Still I waiver. Still I feel so easily defeated. Some days I just feel like I can't get where I want to be. That everything and everyone around me are pushing against me.

Its time to rally up and jump. To hold strong in my faith that I can do this. I tell myself this daily, but I don't know that I truly believe myself. I need to believe myself. I can make my life what I want, and have what I deserve.

Tonight I am making that jump.

Here's to believing in myself.

What is happiness??

2011-03-07T19:20:00.001-08:00

Happiness to me is the feeling of pure joy. Now I know I will not have this feeling constantly and will still be happy. My point is that, the more moments we have that overwhelm us with Joy the happier we will be in the long run. I seek out these moments. I surround myself with those people that make me happy, that bring me joy.

Drama is so draining, so completly depleating. It takes your energy and brings out the worst in you. So, why do people thrive off of it so much? Why do people push to bring it to a head and jump in it? The only answer that I can come up with after this day from hell is simply because they need to start shit to cover up what they really don't want to say.

Now don't get me wrong, I am so far from perfect that it scares me to say the word outloud. The difference is I don't walk around pretending to be just that. To never own any of the problems or consequences is just no where near possible. I have spent months saying it was all my fault, owning every bit of the hurt that was caused and the lives that were changed. But still I am punished, still I am treated like trash?

Damn it can't you see that I just wanted to be happy? That I only want to be loved and cared for, the way I love and care for others. I know I've made mistakes and I know that I will make more in the future, but right now I want the happiness. I want the joy that I deserve after a year of straight sadness and tears.

The Promising Happy Sunday

2011-02-20T06:53:00.000-08:00

It started out the best of Sunday, on a wonderful happy note....

Last night was the cake tasting party that I never ended up tasting cake at. It was good times spent with one of my favorite people who has been missed horribly. It was giggles and laughs, wine and food. All things that should be involved in a good weekend if you ask me.

I still have all of today and if I had to go back to work today I could say that I had a fabulous weekend. Friends, for me, make the world turn. They are the family you choose, the family you want around. They make you smile without trying and cry for no reason. I am lucky to have people that love me, even if I have to keep reminding myself that I do.

And it ended up taking a turn for the worst....

She screwed me, a woman that was suppose to be my friend straight up screwed me and left me in a horrible spot. She was selfish and hurtful, all for no reason. Confused my children and purposfully hurting me. She will get what is coming to her, and I won't have to do a thing. I hope she enjoys the choice she made.

I was so not happy with my post ending that way, even though it was truly the note my Sunday ended on... Until....

I picked up my phone and called up my Sche. I called her confused and hurt. I called her sad and hopeless. And you know what she did. She took me and picked me up. Dusted me off and showed me that one bad friendship does not mean that my friends are failing me. She told me what to do even though I already knew. She gave me the pep talk and the direction that I needed to get out of sadville and jump into action.

I truly believe that friendships are what makes my life turn on its axle. What makes me shine or be cloudy. I need them to survive and to thrive.

To those of you out there loving me cause you choose to...

Thank you.

Whats the deal??

2011-02-18T18:07:00.000-08:00

Why do people act like they can't hang out without there children? Am I the only woman who loves her children, but doesn't need to be around them ever second of every day? Yes I miss them, yes I love them, yes I need them. But you know what? I need ME too.

I need to be a woman, I need to be Rachel. If I don't take time for me, what happens when my children are gone and grown? I'll tell ya what will happen. I won't know what to do with myself when there is no noise, when there is no one to take care of, but me.

I love spending time alone with friends, I need time alone and I adore spending time with my babies. And you know what....I need all of those things to be me.

As the time passes.....

2011-02-17T12:21:00.000-08:00

It's funny how time moves forward even when your not ready for it. How things change even when you don't want them to. Even the weather doesn't do what it is suppose to do.

My point is, we truly have no control over most of the changes in our life. We do our best to steer the change or make the best of it, but most changes happened whether we want them to or not.

Everything has a cycle, we move through it and then move on to the next change. Family, friends, work...It all cycles through. Sometimes we need more from our friends or family than we do at other times. Sometimes our jobs need more from us than they do at other times.

You can fear change or will it away, but eventually it will process through. Personally, I believe that change is amazing. It refreshes us and makes us stronger. It gives us the courage to be more and do better. It makes us who we are.

So embrass it. Give in and process it. Let it help you open your eyes to more possibilities and let it give you strength.

Love,

Me.

Cycles of change

2011-01-31T16:09:00.000-08:00

If you have ever spent more than 5 minutes in my company, I am sure you have noticed that I am a very emotionally driven person. I cry at the drop of a hat and I laugh over pretty much anything. For the most part, I wouldn't change it for anything.

I am just me. I have my bad days and my good days. I would like to believe that lately I am having more good days then bad days, but honestly that change is based on my mood. And I am anything, if not a woman of moods.

I am passionate and I am strong, but I also struggle with seeing those things in myself some days. Some days I feel like nothing but a failure. Nothing but a shell of the person I want to be. A person who shines even when nobody is looking.

I want to SEE, I want to DO and I want to BE.

This is my time. this is my change.

Thankful Thursday: Coffee

2010-07-01T06:48:00.000-07:00

In case you didn't already know, I am a HUGE coffee drinker. I drink it in the morning, afternoon and at night when it sounds good. I love the soothing feeling of coffee, much like tea with more flavor.

One of my favorite things about drinking coffee has become enjoying it with friends. Sitting down with a nice big cup of coffee and a couple girlfriends is so soothing to your soul. Much like other things, it can bring people together so easily.

I could easily be considered an addict. I mean, I do feel as though most times I "NEED" it. However, for me its more of a desire or want. I really, really like coffee. I love the peace my big red coffee cup brings me just by filling it up.

If you take a deep look into my life you can see the connections I have with people that share a deep love for coffee with me. Just hearing about one of my girlfriends enjoying a cup makes me smile.

Although I rarely sit down to the computer without a cup, I am capable of living without it. I choose not to.

Classified ad reads "advice needed"

2010-06-29T09:11:00.000-07:00

I feel like my mommy radar is broken. I think I am missing something that I should know how to do already. I feel like I am falling slightly short on the "what to do" front.

With that being said....I do not know what to do about the constant whining going on in this house. My girls are to the point where they are whining when they talk. They are crying in hopes for getting their way and full on throwing fits constantly.

Can someone tell me what I am doing wrong here? I try to give them a very structured day, offering tons of things to do and often places to go. They get treats and cuddles, everything I have to give them. Still they are not happy.

Now don't get me wrong, they do not get everything they want. There are plenty of "NOs" and tons of compromises. To be completely honest, I am exausted. I feel pretty defeated on the mommy front unless I am physically providing my kids with something to do.

My oldest only wants to watch tv. I am not okay with that. TV should be limited in my opinion. GO PLAY! But she doesn't want to. She is only 5, what will I do when she is older? My youngest daughter is by far the worst with the fit throwing. Screaming and hitting if you don't do as she wants immediately. Needless to say, she throws fits constantly since I do not waiver.

Its summer, I want my children to have fun and enjoy life. I don't know what to do to make them happy.

Advice needed.

Promise

2010-06-10T12:36:00.000-07:00

I have talked about my Pride and I have talked about my Self. What matters most to me is my promise though.

I will not give up this fight. I will not back down and I refuse to waver. I will stand up and be strong for her. The games are still being played, just as they always have been, but it's all so different now. "They" see the games, they know the lies. You are a joke to everyone around you.

So we will wade through the crap you are piling up. We will "cross T's" and "dot I's". We will PROVE that you are the absolute worst thing possible for her. You are incapable of love and you know nothing of truth and compassion.

You are the most selfish person I have ever known.

I PROMISE to love her with all that I have, because you never did. I PROMISE to be there for her no matter what that takes from me or gives to me. But most of all, I PROMISE to never stop trying to keep her from you.

Defeated

2010-05-25T09:29:00.000-07:00

I am feeling so damn defeated lately. I feel like my head is just below the water and I can only bring it above water long enough to take a breath of air.

I need strong shoulders and a caring passionate person to hold me up. I can accept my flaws and I know my faults. Why does everyone else try so hard to not own who they are and embrace it? Why not strive to be better and stronger? More loving and more passionate?

I tell you now if you don't have something supportive to say to me, don't bother saying a damn thing to me. I don't need anymore negative in my life. I quite literally can't take another blow. Life is hard enough without all the extra stress put upon us by others.

I need your support. I need your love and I want your respect.

Pride

2010-04-15T14:00:00.000-07:00

In case you didn't know, I am a very proud person. I take pride in my family, my friends and especially myself.

But lately all that I can think about is how much pride I have in her. She is so much more than anyone even gave her the option to be. So much more than they said she could or would be. She is bright, talented, smart and beautiful. He maturity and kindness make me smile just thinking about it.

You see I know I am a big part of who she is. I have done everything in my power to nurture her, love her and be there for her since the day she was born. I know that she is not suppose to be my child, but she is. She is so much more my child than she should ever have been, but I would not change our relationship for anything in the world.

I love her and expect so much from her. I want her to be the best she can at everything she does. I worry for her and I do everything I can to care for her. She is mine and she always will be. I may not have given birth to her, but I have cared for her since the day she came home from the hospital.

She is a huge part of who I am and I could not be any more proud of that.

Inside

2010-04-12T14:21:00.001-07:00

Some days there seems to be so much to say, other days I can't think of a single thing. Most days my brain is like a tornado. Its spins and spins and the direction changes on a whim. To say I am scatterbrained would be a complete lack of description.

As someone very close to me once said "If she is eating an orange and an apple rolls by, she will put down the orange and pickup the apple. Forgetting all about the orange until she comes back to it." Its like I constantly see shinny things or get big ideas that pop into my head and I can't remember where I am going or what I am doing.

I say this because I can honestly only take so much before I start dropping the orange so to speak. Me desire to help and nurture takes over before I even realize what I am doing. I make promises, overbook myself and get my priorities mixed up. I don't do this because I don't care. I do it because I am the crazy lady.

And I ain't kiddin on the CAH-RAY-ZEE part.

Now I may make light of my problem, but I do take it very seriously and I know myself inside and out. I can tell when I am falling, when I am soaring and when I am failing. The problem is that I can't tell til it has already begun. I can't tell I am letting people down and dropping the ball until I have already done it. I can't tell I am swinging into the sadness and self consciousness until I am crying. I know how to pick myself up, dust myself off and turn the tide.

If you know me well then you understand me. You accept me for all my flaws and you love me for exactly what and who I am. Because I am not willing to be anything but me. A strong woman who knows who she is and what she wants.

So enjoy the show.

Whats in a friend?

2010-04-09T09:33:00.000-07:00

Friendship means many things to many people, but to me it means being a friend.

When I am your friend, I am your friend for life. I jump in with both feet and don't look back. Its all or nothing and honey I am in ALL THE WAY. If you feel like our friendship is not strong anymore, maybe its because we have grown apart. But I will always be your friend.

Life changes. Things get harder and easier to different degrees and angles. We keep those around us that make us feel secure and strong in what we are trying to achieve at that time. I can always be what you need me to be. I can do that because I am your friend and friendship is serious business to me.

Do you need a cheerleader?

Maybe you need a conscience?

Would you like a shoulder to cry on?

Or maybe, just maybe you want to give me what I want to give to you.

That is the kind of friends I need. I choose to be in the presence of people that bring out the best in me. People that support the way I choose to live and the things I hold dear to my heart. I truly can't take ANYMORE negativity in my life. If I don't bring it to your life, please don't put it in mine.

My life is full of love and strength. I share that with the people I care about and if we are friends I care about you. You matter to me and I will ALWAYS be here for you.

Beauty

2010-04-08T14:08:00.000-07:00

It is truly sad the way the world looks at beauty.

Why must everything be about the way we fit in clothes or color our face? Is it to much to focus on the way we make each other feel or how we feel inside?

I have always been a bigger girl. I am not a little girl trapped in a bigger body or a chubby girl. I am a Rachel. I am the mother to three beautiful children that know your face and heart are what make you beautiful. I am the wife of a man who thinks I am sexy and strong. I am the friend of several beautiful women who I feel constantly bring themselves down to a level that they believe they are at.

As we grow and change through life our body changes. Our minds evolve and our hearts swell. I see women putting themselves down because they are not who they thought they would be or the size that they "should be".

It amazes me everyday what a journey life is, the ups and downs alone can be draining. The most important thing should be doing what we can to be happy in life. Not to be skinny, or to achieve all that we had set in our minds when started the journey.

Just enjoy the ride.

To the woman who should have loved me

2010-04-06T22:22:00.000-07:00

To say I am disappointed in who you are would only be the tip of the iceburg.

To say that I think your selfish and downright mean would be turning it all in to something small.

This is not a small thing.

Growing up I always knew our family was different. I never thought it was wrong, but I knew it was not normal. My best friend had some interesting family dynamics, but I always, always felt loved when I was there. It never felt like love in our house. It felt like tension and evil. So thick that you could slice the air. Someone was always fighting or yelling. Someone was always doing something you didn't like. Its was always about you.

You would go from being so calm to blowing straight fire from your pores. It was draining just to be in our home. Nobody should have to feel like that. Willing and wanting to be anywhere, anywhere but their home. Feeling like you had to earn your attention and love. Love that I didnt know as a child, was never even there to begin with. We were property, slaves or even leverage. Never just your children.

Now I am a mother. I am who you should have been, but never were. I love my children unconditionally. I love them wholeheartily with everything I have. They are my life, they are all I will ever need or want. They will never be my excuse for being unhappy with myself or my reason to blame things on. No matter what they do in life I will love them and be proud of who they are inside and out. I may not agree with who they are, but that will never make me love them any less or treat them unkind.

I will show them what beauty is and how to respect themselves. How to hold their heads high and know that beauty is truly shown from the inside out. I will never make them believe they are not good enough or a burden on me. I will never show them that its okay to hurt others to get what I want. I will be everything you never were.

I will never be you.

A day in the life with a crazy lady

2010-02-19T08:14:00.000-08:00

Its Friday and for the first time this week I don't have anything I "have" to do.

With that said, I love being busy. I love having so much to do that the day flies by and leaves my head spinning. I am pretty sure this comes from being so "stationed" in my childhood.

Don't get me wrong, we did things..But it was always the things she HAD to do. Paying bills and running into the store. Not that she ever did the running, thats what her children were for. It was our *job* to take care of her and make her life easier. Rarely was there a time we did something child friendly or just has a good time. It was more like we had to be there in everything to keep her company, keep her from being alone.

I think that because of the way I was raised I have the need to "go and see" all the time. To just think about it and do it. No need to plan it or find a reason to do it. I was so sheltered and kept from the world when I was young. I think its way more harmful to a child than she ever thought it would be. There was always a reason that I couldn't go or see.

You see, I get way more enjoyment out of running everyday errands than I will ever get out of watching a favorite tv show or just relaxing on the couch. I don't care for either of those things, I find them to just be wasting my life and time. Of course this drives my husband crazy, he is a sitter by nature.

I want my children to have the whole world at their fingertips. To "go and see". I want them to meet people and enjoy just playing outside and get excited to do those things they are interested in.

I want them to be *Children*

That seems like such a simple thing compared to how I grew up. But I don't think I would change my childhood in that department much, because if I did I am not sure I would be so *GO TEAM* on the "be a kid" front. And you know what? I think that is just the way it should be.

What happened you say? My Top Ten Tuesday version of Laughter

2010-02-16T08:43:00.001-08:00

What happened to days 14-30 you ask? My brain shut down is what happened.

Everything was going great. I was handling everything strongly and productively. Then I imploded. I knew it was gonna happen eventually. I am not a person who is capable of being serious and responsible for long periods of time. My brain quit responding to the sheer seriousiness of the situtaion and when plain looney.

The long story short of the situtaion is this. She is just plain amazing and stronger than any human I know, far exceeding myself. She is continuing to thrive and grow everyday and that is the ONLY thing that matters to me in that BIG UGLY situation.

So now I give you...My Top Ten Tuesday. Reasons to laugh round these parts! In no apparent order of course.

1. Bug thinks that biting my legs is the perfect way to let me know he would like to nurse. Yes, BITING me.

2. At any given time I can be seen wearing a shirt with a "wet" spot on one boob or the other.

3. When we received out tax return the most exciting purchase for me was a garbage can, WITH A LID! WOOT WOOT!

4. My 5yos new phrase is, What the heck?! Makes me giggle everytime!

5. Watching my 3yo and 5yo fight over the same cushion on the 3 seat couch is infuriating and histerical at the same time. I totally remember doing that as a child.

6. Watching the puppy attack the older dog from underneath him, the big dog can't get back at him while he is under there! I know, easily entertained around these parts!

7. Listening to my 3yo's endless excuses as to why she can't take a nap. "My hair is not tired mommy"

8. When my hubs feeds bug...His mouth opens up every time he feeds him a bite. And I mean EVERYTIME! Never fails!

9. Making fun of the baby never fails to entertain as well. How am I not suppose to laugh when he gets mad at his toys for not doing what he wants them to?

10. And of course, how could I even pretend to forget just plain making fun of myself. Emotions, anxiety, extremes and just plain looneyness!!

Happy Tuesday ALL!

Day 13 And the drama continues.

2010-01-25T22:28:00.000-08:00

Today is the 13th day of my therapy, but its been 3 weeks since her new life began.

To see the amount of change in her life would completely shock anyone looking from the outside in. She is experiencing love and support she never knew exsisted up til now. We are her bridge to a new world, a world so much bigger and brighter than she ever had the oppurtunity to see before 3 weeks ago.

That is exactly what I have to keep in my mind when I start wading through all the mental games and incredible amounts of emotional stress that we are all going through when dealing with the one who started all the abuse she has been dealing with. Her pure need to be right and win blows me away. Its such an eye opener to see how little she truly cares about the people she has harmed.

So I will be strong, if not for my own sanity...at least for hers.

Day 11...And Day 12

2010-01-24T10:50:00.000-08:00

Yesterday we went to visit her. She looks so content and peaceful. Walking around in her favorite kind of clothes. We are the loungewear queens her and I.

I stood there in my pajama pants just looking at her for a minute. The look on her face when my babies walked in was pure happiness. She misses them, I know how much she loves them. She loves like me, without limits and with a pure heart.

Seeing her freedom means so much to me. She is learning so much about herself. How much strength she has in her and how much more she can gain. How to control her emotions and own her life. I can not wait to see how she soars.

Today I got up and hugged my babies. They are growing so fast and lately all I can think about is keeping them safe and giving them the strength to be incredible people. Whether they want to be parents, doctors or garbage peoples...

I just want them happy.

Day 10 Some peace in the war

2010-01-22T14:38:00.000-08:00

I spent last night in the tub. Just me, the bubbles and my thoughts. It was exactly what I needed. Sometimes I get so much going on in my head, filling my thoughts and controling my heart.

I know we are doing what is right. I know she is safe and that god will help her heal. She has an amazing faith. Its a very strong bond that I have with, our faith. I have said so many times before that I am a strong believer in god and I have an incredible faith.

I believe in my heart that things will work out as they should be. That she will stay in the safe and healthy place that she is in and continue to grow in strength and love.

Faith can be so strong if you let it lead you.

Day 9...Extended angry edition

2010-01-21T14:12:00.000-08:00

I am angry. So very very angry.

Why it is okay for you to lie and play games? Why can't you own what you have done to the people around you? The people you were suppose to protect and love. No, instead you turn everything around on everyone else and you own nothing.

I know you read my words. I know you spy on me and make accusations. I don't let those things bother me. I don't because I *know* you are wrong. You have been mean and hurtful for so long. You don't want to change, you want everyone around you to change into what and who you think they should be.

Your a sad person. A mean, hurtful, and coniving person.

A BAD PERSON.

Day 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 and 9

2010-01-21T08:32:00.001-08:00

The last week has been spent trying to put my life back in order.

I feel so much peace in knowing she is thriving so well. Now that she is truly starting to see the entire magnitude of the pain and hardship she was enduring. She is such an amazingly strong person inside and out. She knows she is loved and that we are doing everything we can to keep her safe and healthy.

Now I am trying to get my family healthy. We have all endured so much stress worrying about her and trying to make things work. Its all so worth it, so very worth it. That doesn't make it easy though.

Slowly, but surly we are making progress. Incredible progress that shows me how very worth everything we are going through is. I tell her everyday that 2010 is her year to shine and show everyone what she is made of and who she is. I know she will own it and prove it.

Yesterday was Bugs birthday. My little boy turned one and she was not here to see it because my home is not safe for her. I will fix that. I will change that. She was so very sad about missing it, but I assured her that he knows how much she loves him.

We all know.

Day 2: The proof

2010-01-14T19:26:00.000-08:00

I saw her today. She looks so different. She is the same, but completely different all at the same time. Who knew that some love and attention could make your cheeks be fuller and you skin rosier.

I want for her to heal so badly. To feel like she is worth it and to see that she is amazing. She is so strong. So smart and just so freaking amazing. I see so much when I look at her.

In just 10 days she has grown. That means everything to me.

Day 1

2010-01-13T13:05:00.000-08:00

Its been 9 days since my life changed.

Its been such an eye opening experience for me. So many things that I just let be because I thought I could do nothing about them. Things I labeled as being "Just the way it is". Oh how wrong I was. Oh how much I didn't know, but I was not surprised. I knew better and I am so disappointed in myself for just standing by and doing nothing.

I know this process we are going through is nessecary. I know its whats fair. I don't FEEL like its right though. To question what you see and what you know is so hard for me. So I will be supportive. I will be strong and I will be right where I should be.

I started with 4. 3 left, and 3 came in. The end result is the same, but the equation is different. This will take some getting used to for everyone.

I am here for you honey. I will ALWAYS be here.

Is this thing on?

2009-12-18T13:05:00.000-08:00

What? You want to know where the hell I have been for the last three months? OY VAY!

I can tell you that I have rarely sat still in the last year. With three kids, two arms and a hell of a busy schedule I can't believe Christmas is a week from today and that my little boy will be 1 in a little over a month. Where did the year ago? How on earth is my last baby almost 1??

To say I am freaking out on that one would be a complete and total lie. I am so torn between feeling excited about how life is going to change and being so very sad that I will never nurse another brand new baby. Sappy much? *insert tissue here*

Being a mother is one of the most amazing things I will ever do in my life. Its a non stop, stressful, and completely enjoyable job to have. I love seeing my children grow and enjoy things. Watching their minds work and explore is absolutely amazing.

With Christmas just around the corner, I am reminded of the special people in my life that bring me such joy and how lucky I am to be me. I have an amazing husband, I loving and supportive best friend and the *family* I choose to have.

Its eye opening to realize that just because someone is realated to you does not make them good for you, and that just because someone has always been there, doesn't mean they will be there forever. So for now, I am living in the moment. The crazy moment that is my incredibly blessed life and I know I am right where I should be.

The Angry one

2009-09-26T21:25:00.000-07:00

This is not a happy post. This one will not be funny and it will not be light. You have been warned.

I am so fucking tired of shit right now. I mean seriously, why in gods name does shit have to flow so fast and furious some times? My husband currently has no respect for me. My two year old is slowly trying to kill me and I have not slept for more than three hours at a time in almost a fucking year. The only thing keeping me from downing more alcohol is Debbie, my sweet baby boy and my incredible fear of dying. No worries peeps, I am not going to off myself. That would just be so depressing and whatnot.

However, should you feel the need to come and whisk me away to some far away place where everyone is sweet and nice and loves you for just you....

I PROMISE I WILL DRIVE!!!

Unexpected

2009-09-07T22:53:00.000-07:00

I love change.

I love new things and new experiences.

I love things out of the ordinary and things that are completely unexpected.

Things like amazing people and intellegent conversation.

What concerns me is why I am so impressed by easy going, fun to be around people. Shouldn't this be the norm? Why are there so many more negative unhappy people in our lives than the people that make us smile and breathe easy?

It simply amazes me how easily I can be made happy and comfortable by having the right kind of people in my life.

I hope this becomes my NORM.

D-O-N-E

2009-09-02T10:52:00.000-07:00

You read that right. I am just straight done.

Done being the person that tries to perk you up and make you feel better. Done being the optomistic person that tells you everything will be fine and done trying to help you be happy.

For the record, this letter will not be mailed.

I tend to be the supportive person. I will help you with whatever you need whenever you need it. Pick you up when you are down and pat your back when you deserve it. But you know what? I am just straight fucking tired of being that person. I can't take the negative shit I have to trudge through to do it.

*CLOCKINGOUTNOW*

Much Love,

Mrs. Mommy

P.S. Please don't call me about this post. I blog to say what I feel, not to have a conversation about it. Feel free to comment, cause hey thats what the post a comment section is for. But don't ask me to talk about it. I would have if I thought for one second that I needed to drag it on anymore.

Its a two Prozac kind of day round these parts

2009-08-13T10:45:00.001-07:00

It doesn't help that I woke up on the anxious side of the bed this morning.

Add to that, Lil R is on one big time. Getting in the baby things, and by in I mean IN! Look over and homegirl is laying in the bouncer. WTF? Bug is almost 7 months old. I thought this phase was over. He volume control is stuck at 7 out of 10 and she can NOT calm down. Its just to much for me some day. Top it off with how cute she can be and I have no idea what to do with her.

Big R is whiny. OH SO WHINY! Come on...Its only 11 in the morning and I have only had one cup of coffee. You so don't NEED to whine about everything. (AKA "MOM!! I can't hear it, Lil R is being loud, make her stop!" (whine whine whine) I have been forced to MAKE them play with their toys in their room. Thats right, I am the horribly mean mom that is forcing her children to play with the hundreds of dollars worth of toys in their room. *BADMOMMY*

Did I mention that the family dog decided to bring a dead rodent of some sorts into the house? I didn't...My apologizes.

*DEADANIMALINCRAZYLADIESHOUSE* *OMG*

Uncontrolable shivering and screaming commenced and I was just plain usless. Seriously, I tried to get it with the tongs about 4 differnt times. I couldn't even get close enough to it to take a decent freaking picture for the hubs. Thankfully my wonderful MEX-ICAN neighbors (no sarcasium here at all! I love them! They can do anything I swear!)were next door building a deck for my other neighbor.

When this crazy lady opened the back door shivering and asking for help I think they may have thought for a minute or two that there was actually an unwanted person in the house instead of the TINY little mouse looking thing they found. Behold the THING!

I did say it was a two Prozac day right? Yeah...Off to take ANOTHER pill.

Top Ten Tuesday! FALL!

2009-08-11T12:28:00.000-07:00

Hello my 5 commentors. :)

In honor of Amanda and her Top Ten Tuesday game as well as Bree's beautiful FALL post I am jumping on the Top Ten Tuesday bandwagon!!

So in no particular order at all, here are my Top Ten favorite things about Fall.

1. The leaves turn to bright beautiful colors.

2. School is back in session. I love the new clothes and routines and just every bit of it!

3. The smell of the air. Yes I mean that just like it reads. I love being able to smell the Fall in the air. Its sweet and cool. (closes eyes and smiles)

4. Impending holidays. Oh yes my peeps, I LOVE LOVE LOVE holidays. I am talking obsessive almost crazy (Ya I know, I am crazy) love them!

5. Back to routines. Everything seems to calm down and fall into place in the Fall.

6. All the rich dark colors come back into style!

7. HOODIES! OMG...I can Lurve Lurve Lurve Hoodies and I can't wait to wear one everyday!

8. Baking and Cooking. I love the smell of baking and cooking in a warm house.

9. Being outside. Being outside in the cool air is so refreshing. Its so cozy and wonderful.

10. My best friend Bree I love her with my hole heart. She knows me and gets me. I missed her so much more than I even knew and sharing my love for Fall with her is FREAKING AWESOME!!!

What about you? What do you love about Fall?

Shabby state of affairs

2009-08-07T10:24:00.000-07:00

This house is in chaos. There is so many things I want and need to do.

1. We finally got the fence done, but since have done not a damn thing in the yard and its shabby out there. I mean BAD. The weeds are winning the grass in the war to take over the yard. Between the kids and the dog, it *MAY* look like the definition of white trash trailer yard out there.

2. I am sure you understand why I sit inside the house at the computer now.

T3. he house inside needs to be organized. I say that loosely because I don't know what I can organize. We live in a house that we occupy every single bit of space in. There are not any closets or shelves. What shelves we have added in are completely full with kitchen things as I am a big time cooker.

4. The walls are white. *ENOUGHSAID*

5. Nothing really matches. Its all kind of thrown together. I am not really bother by it, it just feels like nothing really meshes.

6. I MUST HAVE CHANGE. This is not an options peeps, its a *MUSTHAVE* I rearrange the furniture, the kitchen gadgets and the things on the bathroom shelf. Its the only way I can *FEELLIKE* I am doing something about the way the house feels. Unorganized and skattered around.

Now while the previously listed things all bother me in one way or another, they are not listed in degree of saverity or anything like that. They are just the things that I know I would like to *CHANGE* We will be painting the house in September. THANK GOD! We are going to get our butt in gear out in the yard, cause by god it doesn't look like anyone gives to shits about this property!

Other than that...I think I need a different house and some money to fix the rest. Since the will not be happening for a while, I suppose I will just keep plugging away at trying to make it feel more like a home instead of a house.

Anyone have any suggestions for the crazy lady today? What do you do for change?

Oh the insanity!

2009-08-05T12:09:00.000-07:00

I really hate being unsure.

I don't like feeling lost and not sure where to go or what to do. Double guessing myself and being full of anxiety. I know it's normal for me. I know it's part of all the craziness that is me. My problem is most of the time I don't know I am in it til I start taking it out on people. I hate that most. I don't want to be that person. That person that makes everything everyone else's problem or fault. That is just straight ridiculous.

I am an adult. I am grown woman who makes mistakes and bad choices. I am a yeller by nature. I was raised in a screamin demon home. I hate that I have no patience and I hate that I can take things out on people that did nothing wrong or at least nothing wrong that even pertains to what I am upset about or have on my mind. I don't want to be the raving mad woman that people don't want to talk to or be honest with.

Being open minded and honest is very important to me. If you do something I don't like I am going to tell you. Because quite frankly, I think you should know its not attractive. Kind of like telling someone they have lipstick on their teeth or a booger in their nose. Hell I would want to know!

My point is this, I know I am back and forth. I know I am up and down and usually side to side as well. For this I am sorry. It's not fair to the people around me that love me and actually want to be around me. It will get better because I want it to. And I can make that happen if I try.

Much Love,

Mrs Mommy

Reader Participation

2009-07-28T11:42:00.000-07:00

Today marks the very first Reader Participation post at Knowin it. What I am thinkin here is a post designed to get you all a commenting. Not that "NEED" them or anything.

So my question to you my dear readers is this..

What about being a parent for the next (insert years til 18 yrs old here)makes you think you *may* not make it?

For me its the constant bickering between my girls. Quite frankly, it makes me want to rip my ears right off of my head. Just sayin...

The poopy diaries

2009-07-17T12:08:00.000-07:00

Today marked the 4th MAJOR blowout Bug has had in under 2 weeks. Now when I say major I mean *HOLYFUCKINGSHIT* MAJOR! Running down the legs, out the sides of the diaper and UP the shirt! Dripping onto the floor and OH GOD the smell!

As I sat at my kitchen table this morning, nice warm coffee cup in hand...I heard Lil R say, "Mommy, Bug pooped. ALOT." I look over under the jumperoo and I don't see anything on the carpet. Why do I look there you ask? Cause 2 of the previous 3 incidents have taken place in the jumperoo and the puddle on the floor was unmistakable. Especially while Bug continued to jump in it getting the *POO* squished up in his toes.

*OHGODHELPME* *SHIVER*

Upon closer examination I found there were 2 drops on the floor. So I picked him up to run in and change him. You DO NOT want to know/see what I found, but by god I am a sharer and I must.

Oh yes peoples...That is SOMUCHPOO. *DOUBLESHIVER*

After tackeling the worst part of the mess, all while wrestling a little boy who was hell bent on holding on to the poopy legs and wiping it on the wall! Where was I? Oh yes, the aftermath...Oh dear the wreckage is BAD. You should know I RIPPED the onesie off and it went straight to the trash.

Yes that is ALL POOP COVERED!

*SHUDDER*SHUDDER*SHUDDER*

Oh the smell!! Gagging!!

After bathing the bug and making his un-pooped I had to survey the damage to the jumperoo. It was hiding on the underneath... Behold.

To make a long story shorter..I will leave you with some facts. 2 weeks, 4 MAJOR blowouts. Times Jumperoo has had to be taken apart and washed? 3 times. Times carseat has had to be taken apart and washed? 1 time. Do you think he ever thought to just poop a little every little while like he was just two weeks ago? Nope, he likes to hold out for up to 4 days and just SHIT EVERYWHERE now.

Thankfully no little Bugs were harmed during these events and he had no problems going to sleep after the whole ordeal. He was exausted, apparently poop takes a lot of ya. Litterally.

Me and food are TIGHT!

2009-07-14T13:34:00.000-07:00

You could say I have a LOVE/LOVE relationship with food. I love how it feels to cook it, bake it and eat it. The memories associated with food are amazing. I never regret eating something I put in my mouth and there is not much I won't eat.

I tell you this not cause I want you to know why I have the chubs, but because I think people should really stop looking at food like its the enemy. Why not just appreciate it and enjoy it in moderation? Does it not taste oh so good? Should we not just accept and incorporate?

I love to create new food, try new recipes and all around just get my food on. Comfort food is amazing. I love to share my food and give it as gifts. I truly appreciate how it brings people together in good and bad times. Different textures and smells, oh I tell you its just FREAKING AWESOME!

But do you know that the best part of food is for me?

Cooking for my family and friends. Making them things that you can enjoy and appreciate. The look on their faces when they are enjoying themselves or just hearing about how good it smells or tastes. Oh yes peeps, this is my FAVORITE PART!

P.S.I don't mind grocery shopping or puttin the groceries away either! Boy do I love having a big old house full of food. Being able to pick what you want to eat out of so many choices..That is DA BOMB!

So go now my peeps...Get your food on and enjoy yourselves!!

Forgiveness

2009-07-10T20:29:00.000-07:00

I have always forgiven easy. I don't like to be mad, I hate the way you feel and how you behave when you are. Or I guess I should say when I am.

When I fight with the hubs it rarely last more than 20 minutes. I don't like the uncomfortable air in the house when we do. We haven't always been this way, but I like to believe that as we have gotten older we have grown to be smarter and stronger.

Long story, short? Since I had Cree I have become a forgiven machine. Ask for it and you will get it. I am done bein mad peeps. I don't want to hold on to anger the way my family does. I don't want to be resentful and cold. I WILL NOT BE.

4 people down and 1 of them doesn't even know it yet cause he won't talk to me. Sad, but true. I wish he was in my life, but in my heart of hearts I really don't see it happening. He is not there yet and I don't know if he ever will be. I have tried to talk to him, but he is unresponsive on all attempts.

I miss you Shawn

With all this forgiveness comes such contentment. I feel better in my head and heart in the last two weeks than I have in years. I wouldn't say I am any less nuts, but if you have been readin for a while I am sure you know the story.

So hows about we show some comment love to the forgiver in the house??

Why does it have to be so hard?

2009-06-30T22:37:00.000-07:00

I need the answer to just that peeps. I can't take another god damn fucking minute of this rollercoaster. One thing works out another breaks. Why can't everything just fall in to place for once?

If I make piece with one, it creates war with another. Do I choose one over the other or an I just as bad as her? So much in my head and by god it needs to fucking go elsewhere! I am mad, I am sad and just way to fucking overwhelmed!

Do I choose to start this? Put everything I have into it and see where it goes. I want nothing to do with both at the same time. I will not put myself in that position ever again. To trust is hard enough with just one, but both...That would probably off me.

So I try to think about it. What would I do, would I have done. I really don't know. So then I think, just let it go. But I can't, I will always wonder and want to know what is truly none of my business. Add to that, he doesn't get it either. He wants it to be over and I understand that. I wish I could understand it all myself. I don't want to be in it anymore either.

I want peace.

Thank god for sun!

2009-06-24T15:45:00.000-07:00

Oh yes peeps it has been sunny for two, count um 1, 2 days! WOOT WOOT!

You have no idea with natural sunlight can do for this flower. Its amazing how much it helps me to brighten my life. Today I woke up and opened the blinds baby! Bring on the sun. I had a cup of coffee (duh), fruit and some yogurt. Not only did it feel good, but it gave me the peace I needed to start the day. Just sitting at the counter checking email and such while drinking a cup of coffee with breakfast. Oh I think that it will be a new daily staple for me.

Some days I am in my own head way to much. I could drowned in there if I let myself. I have been so overwhelmed lately. I love routine and getting things done and I think that is where I need to focus right now to keep myself level headed. You would not believe how therapeutic it is for me to keep the kitchen clean. You *heard* that right my friends. I am cleanin' that bad boy daily, some times more! Watch out world, I kick ass with soap!

I am still forgetful, I still freakout. I am a total sailor in the swearing department and I am comfortably on the chubby side...But you know what? I am TOTALLY just me and I fine with that.

A BFF and a need

2009-06-23T10:36:00.000-07:00

About a year ago I *lost* my BFF. She was a great listener, always on my side and incredibly understanding. She always knew what to say because, well because she knew me INSIDE AND OUT. The kind of knowing that comes from growing up together and being by each others side for 15+ years. Since this loss I feel lost. I am so insecure in my friendships is unbarable. Its like I was broken so bad I don't feel like anyone will ever want a true one on one friendship with me. Sure I have friends, but not a GOOD BFF.

I know I was spoiled. I was told daily that those kinds of friendships don't exsist and hell it sure seems like people were right since that friendship blew straight apart the day her husband tried to ruin my marriage with *INFO* that he said she gave him. Information that he went to my husband with and caused incredible hurt and sorrow for no reason. Some of it true, most of it completely wrong and hurtful. All I can say is WOW, that was so not what I thought it was.

I have not talked to her for even one second since that day. Not a word. She still lives in the same house, we still live in the same house. I don't know anything about her life and she knows nothing of mine, well I don't think she does. Some days all I can do is think about her and how our friendship was. I want to pout and scream. I want to understand the "why".

Some days I come close to talking myself into calling her or stopping by her house to just start over, to pretend nothing happened or that it was all just one big mistake. Then I get incredibly angry at myself. How could I think for even on minute that is okay? That it can be forgiven?

The hard days in my life are the worst. I mean don't get me wrong, I am one lucky woman. I have a WONDERFUL husband, 3 healthy/happy children and all the things I truly need in life. For 95% of the time I am incredibly happy with my life and feel so blessed, but oh god that 5% kicks my ass. Its like being thrown down a hill that I just keep rolling down. I know I have a need.

I need someone to understand. I need someone to *get me*. To love me inside and out because they can't live without me. Now I know what you are thinking, I have the wonderful hubs. This is true, but oh how he doesn't get the shit flying around in my head. Its to much for him and I totally understand that. Fuck, its to much for me most days. I don't talk to him about it because I already know what he will say and its not what I need.

He will tell me to get over it. Because to him its just that plain and simple. Have a problem, deal with it. Fix it and move on. He takes everything with a grain of salt and I really wish I had that quality. For me its not that simple. I need more and I can't for the life of me figure out where to get it. I was lucky before and it fell in my lap during 3 grade. I know I won't get that gift again.

So what now?

My current life..

2009-06-18T10:22:00.000-07:00

I adore how much they all love them some She-Ra Princess of Power

Tons of days spent with WONDERFUL friends

And a little baby boy that is growing so fast it makes me sad daily....

What I can control

2009-05-01T09:13:00.000-07:00

After my post about what I can not control and Lauras beautiful words about how I should try looking at the world, I have decided to take a look at what I *can* control.

I can control my coffee intake!

I can control my home!

I can control how happy my family is!

I can control how I look at it all, maybe not how I feel..But how I CHOOSE to see it.

And I choose to be happy and healthy. I choose to love the people around me and enjoy the friendships I have in this life. Cause damn it people, I am one hell of a lucky girl!

The one where I tell you all about how big of a wuss I am.

2009-04-30T12:36:00.000-07:00

Did I ever tell you how afraid of dying I am? Oh yes, I know this is one of the things you should not fear, but how do you not? Even worse than my fear of dying is my fear of something happening to my children. Some days it consumes me and I can't breath. I so despise anxiety and what it does to me. I hate the feeling of having no control of things and not knowing what to expect.

How to I prepare for something that I don't know how to control? In my last post I talked about this crazy lady not taking her crazy pills at this time. Well those *magic pills* make this crazy lady more level headed. You know, no racing thoughts or inability to sleep due to fear or fretting. Well I can honestly tell you all this Swine Flu shit is going to be the death of the crazy lady!

I know we deal with the flu and all that comes from it all the time. I know we can treat the Swine Flu and I know we as a nation will get it under control very quickly. What I don't know is how to keep my family safe, I feel like there is nothing I can really do short of staying in the god damn house away from the world. My fear of RSV kept me away from 95% of the world for three months. We didn't really start leaving the house til April 15Th. That is how much anxiety I have about RSV.

I know I should not fear what I can not control, but can you truly control your fears? That to me is like saying you can actually be patient when you are not a patient person. Hence my lack of patience. I read a quote yesterday, Pray about everything, worry about nothing. I love the sound of it, but I can't make it work.

Oh, don't get me wrong I am a PRAYIN...But I am still a WORRIN.

What the heck happened in here?!

2009-04-29T12:59:00.000-07:00

Since having Cree the weirdest thing has happened, I have started cleaning. I am talking dishes, floors and laundry. I know what you are thinking, what the heck happened? You have three kids and now you have started keeping up the house?

Well I can tell you that I am about 90% sure is the lack of crazy pills in my diet. These Bi-Polar mood swings are going to either kill me or make my family turn me into the nut house. Some days I can't stop cleaning and reoraginzing the house, other days I can't even manage to shower.

Oh and don't get me wrong, I don't think that I am above the meds by any means! I just can't take the Anti-Anxiety/Mood swing pills while nursing chubs. I do however take the happy pills, no wonder Cree is such a good baby! Luckily the happy pills make me more mellowed out for the most part.

Long story short, I have been having a rough one the last few days. It has definately been more on the side of not wanting to do anything. Its like being lathargic and having no energy. It sucks...The lows are really hard. I quite frankly don't care for the highs either honestly, which is weird since most Bi-Polar peeps love them. I hate the feeling of anxiety and being anxious. That is where the need to get everything as it should be comes from.

The hubs thinks the house cleaning is awesome of course, to bad I know its not the "real me". Cause anyone that TRULY knows me, knows this chick ain't a cleaner!

My life through Miley Cyrus eyes

2009-04-28T11:17:00.000-07:00

I first heard this song on American Idol a week or two ago, I of course can't remember for sure since I have three kids and no memory at all. It seemed like such a powerful song, such an important message to share. It was not until last night that I got a chance to listen to it again and really pay attention to the words. I was reading a blog by Johnathon Jay, you can check him out here.

http://jonnandkate.blogspot.com/2009/04/musical-monday.html

A young man fighting against cancer with the most incredible outlook I have ever seen. He is choosing to LIVESTRONG and that is nothing short of amazing to me.

The song really speaks to me on so many levels, it really is all about how you get there.

Running on way to little patience

2009-04-27T09:06:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning with about 95% of my patience missing. This is not going to be a pleasant day. I have been snapping and yelling. All this before 10 in the morning, dear lord keep the casualties to a minimum.

Rylee is in full blown whine mode, not actually talking or crying. Right in the middle with whinning. OMG. She is hanging on me and pulling apart the last 5% I have in me. I don't want to yell, I don't want to scream. I want to be the calm and collected parent.

Does anymore know where I can order more patience online for cheap??

Faith

2009-04-25T20:06:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow marks the first time this family of mine will walk into a church. Although its not a conventional church, I have a very strong feeling that it will be just the right fit for us.

When asked about religion I have always answered...We have faith, not religion. I honestly do not believe in organized religion. For the longest time I didn't think there was a way to worship or celebrate our faith with out having religion be involved. I think I may have found the way for us to do just that.

If you know me IRL you are probably asking why church, why now? I don't know that I honestly have a good answer for that question. I just know that things have changed and I am looking for stronger faith. My husband is skeptical, but oh so supportive. I could not ask for more than he is giving me.

So if the world suddenly blows up at 11:15 tomorrow, you will know it was because we walked right on in with an open mind and open heart...

Birthdays...

2009-04-20T13:04:00.000-07:00

Am I the only person that thinks birthdays are special no matter how old you are? I mean seriously, in todays world shouldn't we make sure to celebrate the fact that we have survived yet another year?

My dad is such an amazing guy. He has a huge heart and a hard life. He deserves his day. I am going to make it special even if it kills me...

Right now I have jumbo carrot cake cupcakes cooling on the counter. I am going to slather them in cream cheese frosting and take them up to my dad at work. Dinner was planned for tonight, but plans have changed. I will take him a homemade dinner to go, cupcakes and a very good present. I will sing him happy birthday and even if for only a minute, I will make him feel special..

Because birthdays are special.

Faith, Family and Friends...

2009-04-19T22:08:00.000-07:00

I am so sure that all the dear internets have thought I died...Well you know all 4 or 5 of you that is. However, I have just been enjoying my life. I am so completely happy and content at this moment. Cree is growing like a weed, weighing in around 16lbs already! He will be three months old tomorrow and it is completely killing me that I know I will never have another newborn baby to take care of. I am pretty sure I could have a million babies, but lord knows I can't handle anymore kids.

Today we got the kids pictures taken. I absolutely adore Sears Portrait studio...They ROCK! The photographers are amazing and the shots turned out absolutely amazing. I may be a little bias, but I am pretty sure I have the most B-E-A-UTIFUL children ever. They are each so amazing in their own way. Rainee is smart and loving, Rylee is full of spirit and fun, and Cree is so calm and cuddly. I just can't imagine my life any other way.

Did I mention that I have the most loving and caring husband ever? Oh I didn't tell you about the hot stud that I am married to? Oh yeah baby! Yesterday I shaved his head and this will be the haircut keeper from here on out. The hubs looks different, and we all know how I feel about hair so this will take some definately getting used to for me. We are not talking about a completely bald look, but the trimmer doesn't go any shorter! Now if I could just get him to grow a beard I could probably technically be sleeping with a new man everynight.

Oh and did I tell you I have me some super great friends? Oh yes...There is La, Crys, Deb and Shi...Names edited to keep those in hiding that don't want other people to know they are putting up with me on a regular basis. I am a tweeting facebookin fool and I love it! I have decided that life is what I make of it and I want it to be awesome.

Now about the faith...This is still a work in progress, but I am pretty sure I am headed in the right direction. I feel good about where I am going and where I have been. Will provide more EXCITING info on this topic soon...Cause I am sure you are all dying to know WTF is going on in my crazy head about now.....

Facebook really is SOOO cool!

2009-02-27T13:38:00.001-08:00

You know you love it..How can you not? Its like cheese to a mouse and crack to a whore. SERIOUSLY!!

I love seeing what everyone is doing all the time. I suppose this makes me one hell of a nosy person, but ya take the good with the bad right? I mean really, its even better cause its FREE! How many cool things in life are free?

I find myself on it constantly. I can lose so much time just looking at profiles and pictures. So if you notice I have not posted a blog in a while...Just check out facebook, I am sure I am there.

OMG...I really almost peed!

2009-02-13T21:17:00.000-08:00

I know you have seen it...I am probably the only person thus far that is just hearing or seeing this...But OMG...I have not laughed that much in a while..If it is for real he needs some help, but if its a joke keep it coming cause it was damn entertaining!!!

Enjoy!

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My baby boy!!

2009-02-13T14:01:00.000-08:00

I have the biggest little chunky bean on the planet...he is a boobie monster and loves to cuddle! I mean seriously...total love bug! Here is a video of him talking...He is so in love with our cat! TO FREAKING CUTE!

I swear I am not lazy...No really!

2009-02-12T13:18:00.000-08:00

If you walked in my house you might think somedays that I don't do shit. Cut me some slack, I am three kids under the age of 4! Anywho...

My point is that there are things I just really put off doing even if I have the time, but not because I am lazy. More because its just not a rewarding job. I mean when I do the dishes it makes my kitchen more put together so I can cook and I LOVE to cook. When I do the laundry, it gives me and my family clean, good smelling things to put on.

But the bathrooms...Yeah, not rewarding.

I hate deep cleaning like that.. UGH. Now don't get me wrong, I am not a prissy girl by any means...but i don't the yucky jobs! I don't take out trash, clean litter boxes, shovel snow or do yard work. I am the "person" that is suppose to clean the damn bathrooms though and right now they are just awful!

That why I want this!!

Oh yeah baby! This thing says it will clean a dirty shower in so many days and keep it clean after that! For me that is worth its weight in gold!!!

So, anyone want to buy me one??

Are you freaking kidding me???

2009-02-10T15:20:00.001-08:00

You did what with the leftover Subway sandwich I was eating that was on the counter? Are you serious? You threw the only thing that sounded good for lunch in the garbage??!

Have you any idea how bad of a husband this makes you right now? No it was not with the two things on the counter that would not fit in the garbage to be thrown out!! How could you think the OPENED wrapper with a sandwich in it that had a bite taken out of it was to go in the garbage?

Yes I am crying because you threw out my lunch! I wanted that sandwich and I have not slept throw the night in months...Damn it man..YOU OWE ME!!

Cree William-Joseph

2009-01-31T13:52:00.000-08:00

Yep...it's a boy and he is DAMN cute...Weighin at 9lbs and 11oz..21 inches long...

And thats all you get right now guys...Cause breastfeeding a 10 pound child is hard work and I am tired!

We now resume our scheduled blogging break....HUGS.

Oh yeah baby...We are ready!

2009-01-17T16:12:00.001-08:00

Today we made one last quick trip to BRU to get a new diaper pal and some little hats for the new baby...Apparently it didn't cross my mind til yesterday that its Janurary and I MAY need more than just the one BEAUTIFUL-PERFECT-SPECTACULAR hat that I got from Candace over at laughingdaises.com. Did I mention she has an awesome shop on Etsy named twiggy and all her stuff is AMAZING? I didn't...Well now you know!

Moving right along...The changing table is stocked and ready. Carseat, check. Bassinet, check. Every baby item has been washed, dried and put away. Now, I suppose I just need to have major surgery and bring home a baby. No big deal...

Did I mention I was nervous? I had my first baby dream last night and my god it was strange. Of all the things to dream about I dream that I can not get the new baby to nurse no matter what I do. Nursing is such a big deal to me. I think it is one of the most important things that you can give and do for your new baby...I just don't know what I would do if it didn't work out especially after sucessfully breastfeeding both of my girls.

Its kind of hard to imagine that this will be my last baby. I have known that I wanted to be a mother since I was very young...We are talking single digits here people. To be done with my favorite part of having kids is very sad to me. So I suppose I will try to really enjoy every single up and down moment of the next three months...Since any mother would know that the first 3 months are HARDEST. They blend together in such a thick fog...

Final doctors appt

2009-01-14T15:21:00.001-08:00

The time has come. WOOT WOOT!!

This baby is comin into the world on Janurary 20th at 7:30am...I will be 38 weeks and 4 days. This baby is already a nice threatening weight of almost ten pounds and this poor mama is measuring 11 weeks ahead. Seriously...

I can't wait to be done being pregnant, but at the same time I am so very nervous about the csection after everything we went through with Rylee. I am trying to believe that after going through that once I have done my time and would not have to go through it again...Send me your prayers people..And you know I ain't no church goin girl!

So here is to surviving the next 6 days...God bless happy pills and pretty days!!

I need a girlfriend...

2009-01-09T14:09:00.000-08:00

I could not have written this post any better myself...Seriously its just exactly how I feel....This is the type of friend I used to have, that I NEED a replacement for....Here it is written by Miss Britt...To see her wonderful ramblings you can click on her down in my blogroll...

I notice it most when my polish is chipped off my toes.

And when I’m sitting at home flipping through HGTV reruns.

And when it’s a Tuesday night and the kids are in bed, Jared’s asleep on the couch, and I’m too restless to get lost in a book or a blog.

That’s when I notice the big gaping hole that’s still there.

The hole that cannot be filled with husbands, or kids, or Avitables. Or work or blogging or writing. Or working out more or watching TV less or signing your kids up for more activities.

It’s the hole that, much as we try, cannot be filled by family or friends that are miles away, no matter how many emails you send or IM chats you share. You cannot stuff it with weekend getaways or annual parties or long distance phone calls.

I know, because I’ve tried.

And while I’ve made new memories and discovered new sources of joy, the original hole remains, calling to me.

Especially when my polish is chipped.

I miss having girlfriends. Not that I don’t have female friends now - the technical definition of a girlfriend I suppose. But it’s more than just another woman to laugh with that I’m missing.

I miss the girlfriend that drops by your house unannounced on a Tuesday night. Sometimes she stays and bullshits with you for hours, and sometimes she just stops to say hi on her way home and, no, don’t worry about it, you’re busy, I’ll call you later.

And she will call, too. Usually.

Or maybe she won’t. Because things come up and she was getting dinner started and you know how that goes. And you do. But that’s OK because you’ll talk to her tomorrow or the next day anyway.

I miss the girlfriend that drags all of her kids over to your house and throws them in the backyard before you have a chance to say hello. And her husband sits with your husband by the grill while the two of you invent cocktail recipes in the kitchen. And you don’t even care that it’s Sunday, because people still have to eat on a school night.

I miss the girlfriend who calls your husband’s cell phone because you didn’t pick up at home and you never answer your damn cell phone when it rings and she needs you. Now. Her dog threw up in the living room and she’s stuck at work and you know her husband has an irrational response to puke. And she knows it’s ridiculous but dear God the man has put a bowl on top of the vomit and will you please go take care of that so my carpet isn’t stained before I get home?

And you do. And you don’t feel inappropriate at all calling her husband a pussy while you spray his floors down with Resolve.

I miss the friendship that is easy, even when it’s work. The one that is an integral part of your day and has long since passed the awkward, insecure stage of calling only to set lunch dates and dinner parties.

The one you don’t put makeup on for.

The one that’s seen you without a bra and after a good hard cry.

I miss the girlfriend that answers her phone on Saturday morning and admits that she’s not doing much. And, sure, she can run and get a pedicure with you that morning, because she needs one too and she just has to be back by lunch because they’ve got a family thing that afternoon and she’s behind on laundry. And so you spend an hour or two together and then you go back to your lives and your responsibilities. And, really, it’s no big deal.

Until it is.

Until you don’t have it anymore. And then, some days, it’s the biggest fucking deal in the world.

Like when your polish is chipped.

So close..But still so far

2009-01-07T12:24:00.000-08:00

As of yesterday this small human being inside my stomach is weighing in at 9lbs and 13oz. Yes, you did read that right. HOLY FREAKING SHIT!

Add to that I am only 37 weeks this Friday. They have moved my c-section up a week to the 20th of January. I am pretty suck they are afraid they will be pulling out an 11 lb baby that day. When we have the baby I will be 38 weeks and 4 days. Seems like a good time to me. I had Rylee at 37 weeks and Rainee at 39 weeks.

So now all I have to do is finish getting the last few things I need and wait. In the meantime, I promise to try to keep up my record of not killing anyone during this pregnancy for the remaining two weeks. I tell you it is getting harder by the day. I have NO PATIENCE and I am all around grumpy.

The heartburn is constant at this point and I can NOT BREATH at all when I bend over. My maternity shirts no longer cover my belly so no matter what I do I am so HANGIN out. Not attractive when you have had two kids already! My stomach is far from flattering.

And so I will TRY TRY TRY TRY to be calm and relaxed for the next 13 days...

God help us all!

I can only imagine what I look like at this point

2009-01-05T16:25:00.000-08:00

So this morning was back to school. Just like for everyone else I suppose. I take Rainee in and I am helping her get her coat off and hang up her backpack...

Thats when it happens...The inevitable comment that I get at least once a day. OMG, you have not had that baby yet? I thought for sure. You have grown so much I can't believe you can still walk! This is when I say...This is nothing..I still have four weeks left...

Then I get the "look"...The OMG she is going to blow up if they leave that baby in there for another 4 weeks (Mouth wide open and gapping)...Are you sure there is only one in there?

YES I AM SURE THERE IS ONLY ONE IN THERE!!!!

Can't people at least pretend to have some sort of cuth...

Top 10 things I just can't stand

2009-01-02T15:14:00.000-08:00

The following list was not created in any specific order..Just as they came to me..Enjoy!

10. MONEY!!!
9. The gas tank in my car - I am pretty sure it is wrong and it freaking has a mind of its own!
8. Dishes - I know nobody that is sane really likes to do the dishes, but I HATE them!
7. Getting up to Pee every hour in the middle of the night from being pregnant - Seriously..Must I go more at night than I do during the freaking day!
6. STUPID people! This one truly pisses me off...Is it so hard to use common sense in life?
5. Whining - Be it children or adults, I just can't stand hearing it!
4. Lazy parenting - I will honestly never understand parents that have children and then are just to lazy to take care of them to the best of their ability.
3. Fighting - I hate fighting with people. Mostly my husband. I don't like the way it makes me feel or the things that end up getting said whether they are true or just said in anger.
2. Bad friendships - I do everything I can to be the best friend to someone that I can. I have come to find that most people in life do not live their lives in this same fashion. Its hard to take in that being someones friend doesn't mean as much to them as it does to you.
1. Feeling sad and crappy - I can honestly say this feeling this way is not the norm for me. I do what I can to be a happy and all around peaceful person, but lately particularly I just can't seem to get there very often. I am sure it has a lot to do with being about a million weeks pregnant, but still I don't like it.

What ten things can't you stand??

If this is how 2009 is going to be...I don't want to play!

2009-01-01T10:51:00.001-08:00

The countdown begins...we are rounding up the kids...

When all the sudden I hear nothing but the sound of Rylee completely in pain. I means PAIN! She is not even to the full blow cry stage, she would have to be able to take air in for that. I pick her up only to find that two of the fingers on her left hand are scrapped and swelling FAST! The bruises are coming and the child WILL NOT move her fingers at all.

6..5..4..3..2..1...2009

And I was in the bathroom with both of my crying kids and my husband. Rainee received a nice smack to the head trying to get to her sister to see if she was okay. We go back and forth, do we take her to the ER for an xray or see how she is doing tomorrow. My mommyness tells me I need to take her in. I have to know if she is okay.

To Jordan Valley Hospital we go..Oh I know what you are thinking..First class hospital only for your kids Rachel...No really, it was just a possible broken finger and the closest hospital at 12:45 in the morning. They were very nice and fast. They let us play with the plastic gloves and the tv! Told me how cute my kids ARE and so understanding.

3:20 in the morning we arrive home...Kids to bed and just in bed ourselves. 6 hours later we wake up to...Nope not the kids, but the phone ringing. The police have called my husbands Step-dad trying to get a hold of him (WTF?)because someone has broken into his shop. ARE YOU F$%KING SERIOUS?

Oh yes I am.

If this is any indication as to what we have to look forward to for this year...I am not getting out of bed for the next 364 days!

What lap?

2008-12-23T13:53:00.000-08:00

Don't mind the bare legs peeps...If you know me you know that I do love a comfy short in the house!! However, in case you missed that giant basket ball in my lap...Let me explain the growth.

Yep..That is what I am literally trying to sew with, type with, cook with and carry kids around with...No, its not hard at all..I am super woman of course!! Balance is not nessecary for these tasks, just things to lean on should you start to fall over.

I really shudder at the thought of what I will look like 5 weeks from now when this baby makes its great escape from my uterus...Off to try to finish up sewing...Super fun with the basketball between the sewing machine and myself..

Wish me luck!

My how things change

2008-12-22T12:44:00.000-08:00

I can't get over how things change so easily. Things you are sure will stay the same forever. I know that people in your life, things you are doing in life and things you want to accomplish in life all seem to change at any given time. I find that at the end of each year I am wondering where people went and why? What changed and who did it?

I know I will never have the answers to these questions as things just go on as they must. So I guess its a good thing that for the most part I am okay with change.

Resume holiday festivities and I will turn off my brain until next year.

Nothing but snow baby!

2008-12-19T14:34:00.001-08:00

I so love the snow...I mean I really like it. Don't get me wrong, come Feburary I am tired of it like everyone else, but I do enjoy it for the most part.

I love watching it, driving in it and I especially love cooking in it. I don't mean IN IT exactly, but you get the point I am sure. I get the urge to make up new recipes and try new things so much when the snow starts falling. Take today..I knew it was going to snow..I had been waiting for it. I seemed like the perfect day to find a good ham and beans recipe for the crockpot and let it brew all day.

My house smells amazing. Between the cranberry bread smell coming from my scentsy jar and the ham and beans in the crockpot..Everyone should want to come over here.

Stay at home WHAT??

2008-12-17T22:45:00.000-08:00

Me and my husband have this wonderful fight...You know that one the you always come back to? The one the gets thrown in the mix even when it has NOTHING to do with what you are actually talking about..Thats the one.

He says that I am a stay at home mom so I need to do things around the house..I say yes, I am a stay at home mom...Not a stay at home housecleaner. What do you say should my version include then? I shall explain.

Lets use today for an example. Get up and get myself presentable. Dress children, do both girls hair, feed both children and brush their teeth. Out the door at 8:50 to have Rainee to school on time. Run errands, pick Rainee up from school at 11:50. Run a few more errands and get home. Feed the girls lunch and get them down for quiet time and nap time. Finally sit down for the first time!

Did I mention I am roughly a million weeks pregnant with a child the size of a beach ball? Oh I didn't? I apologize, of course that should have nothing to do with what I get done around the house during the day, right?

Resume day...Clean kitchen, make cheeseball and get ready for monthly book club. Drive to Draper to enjoy WONDERFUL woman time and arrive at home around 10:30 at night.

My point is this..As far as I am concerned, I am a stay at home MOM. I take care of my children. I keep them from killing each other and I make sure they are happy and healthy. If I don't get things cleaned up or anything done for the matter its just fine. Its not my fault that I refuse to participate in something that was not listed in the job description...

Next time...I would be more specific.

Pictures...

2008-10-18T13:28:00.000-07:00

My girls are getting so big...I really can't quite wrap my mind around it. Rylee will be 2 years old in about 3 weeks and Rainee is 4 years old and knee deep in preschool 5 days a week. I realized as I was looking at a friends profile on myspace today that I don't think I take enough pictures. So here is a shining post dedicated to my girls and all their beautifulness!

Sporting the Christmas Pjs mommy maid last year..

Stealing snacks with Alice at Levis Birthday party..

Rainee swinging for the first time long ago..

Rylee swinging for the first time last fall..

Are they not the most beautiful girls you have ever seen? I can't believe how much alike they look, but at the same time how much different they are from each other. I am so proud to be their mommy and I would not change it for anything in this world.

I love you girls

Fear..

2008-10-15T16:09:00.000-07:00

Its amazing how much you have to fear for and from when you are a mother. Just hearing something on the news or something that happened to someone you know can personally keep me up at night or cause me bad dreams. I am like any other person. I want no harm to ever come to my children, but I know we all can only do our best as parents.

A girl that I was aquainted with through my Moms Group was in a very bad accident over the weekend by the Utah border when the big storm hit. She was very badly injured and remains in serious condition in the hospital, but her babies are just fine. I will not go into the details as it makes me very anxious to even thing about it, but I can say I believe what happened during that accident to be what every parent would want in that situation.

I know that if I was in a situation or accident and I knew it was going to be bad, I would pray as hard and as fast as I could that I would take all the pain and hurt and my children would be unharmed as much as possible.

Yet another example that parenting is damn hard work, but SO worth it.

23 weeks...

2008-10-04T16:39:00.000-07:00

Growing is not even the correct word for what I am these days...I am round and definately showin it.

I guess we will see how I end up...

My love affair

2008-10-03T16:57:00.000-07:00

I remember back a few year ago...I was clearly young and dumb. How could I have been so wrong? Narrow minded and... Okay I will just say it and get it over with...I was wrong, I LOVE hummus!!

Such great flavor and texture..I could literally put it on anything right now.

Long story short..Pregnant lady eating hummus...Stay out of the way.

Its time..

2008-10-03T16:29:00.000-07:00

A very wise blogger told me that its time to take a stand for what I believe in and vote...She is so right...Its time to make a difference in our country..

Miss Britt said it best..and because I suck I can't link to her..So click below in my blog roll to check her out...

Amen

27 and growing....

2008-09-21T22:56:00.000-07:00

I guess you could say I am now 27...

Have I learned anything? Yes...and no. But I have definately grown. I have learned many things, but there are still things I refuse to take in. I know I am strong and confident. Although I still have days were I feel that I am confused by things that are and that have come to be...

Overall I can say that I a very lucky woman and every year I learn more and more about myself and who I am. My life is what I make of it and I choose to make it be wonderful.

Happy Birthday to me