Recent events have got me thinking, do words really mean anything?
Does telling someone you love them mean anything, if you don't show them that you love them?
Does making a promise matter, if you can't keep it?
Does telling someone you want them in your life, or need them in your life for that matter, mean anything, if you don't at least try to have them in your life?
Now, no one should take this post personal, as I am very much just talking in general. I am trying to find out how people personally look at these things. Not the way that you would defend yourself against someone saying that you are not "showing" them how you feel. I know we all have our reasons for the things that we do, or excuses for that matter.
However, reasons just become excuses for why we don't keep promises or make time for someone and their feelings in the grand scheme of things really. Am I wrong in thinking this way? Now when I ask you that, I am asking you to take yourself (regarding your friendships and loved ones) out of the equation. I am asking you to look at the situation with common sense and open mindedness in how our actions really truly show who we are.
So, what say you my readers? Do words really mean anything?
Friday, May 25, 2012
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Quiet your mind
Its a well know fact to those that know me and love me that I am a woman of many moods. You could say I am crazy, hell you could say a lot of things about me. Mostly, I think its due to the fact that I spend an awful lot of time in my own head thinking about all the things that don't really mean shit in the importance department, but they seem to encompass me.
I have always been a very honest person. Like what I have to say or not, I don't have the desire to please people by lying to them. Most of the people close to me know that I suffer from Bi-polar disorder and depending on the therapist, also PTSD. I have control issues and had what some would call a pretty fucked up childhood. I was molested repeatedly for the span of what I can remember to be close to a year and was raised to generally believe men are useless unless given power from a woman. I have trust issues, and usually feel more secure when I am being treated like shit. I have very little family, and the family that I do have is no where near "in" my life. I have never felt "at home" anywhere I have lived. I am more comfortable in other peoples homes than I have ever been in a home that I have actually lived in or owned. I take medication daily, better yet I take medication 8 out of 10 days and even then I usually don't "feel" any better. I have more bad days then good ones and I feel lonely even when I am surrounded by people.
*Whew*
With that said, I strive everyday to not let those things define who I am. I know who I want to be. I want to be a strong woman. The best mother I can possibly be and a loving an supportive wife, friend and person in general. I try to take care of myself and at least act like nothing is "wrong" if there is really nothing that should be "wrong". Honestly, most days I want to crawl out of my own skin because my mind won't shut up and just let me be. I keep as busy as possible with my children, with my books, with the things I like to do. I constantly remind myself how lucky I am to have healthy, happy children, a best friend that knows my flaws well. even if she doesn't understand them, a husband that loves me unconditionally even if he doesn't understand me and a "brother" in the form of an ex husband that understands me even if he can't emotionally be there for me. I have a handful of close friends that know who they are and what they mean to me.
I also have unrealistic expectations that I hate beyond measure and mood swings that probably should probably have me committed. I have a craving for family that I can't seem to let go and an unwavering need for constant change. I am emotionally driven and get my feelings hurt very easily. I loathe all of these things about myself. I wish I could change them, not let them take up so much space in my heart and my mind. But, unfortunately I will never be able to.
Each day I will just go where my moods take me and where my heart leads me. I will continue to put everything I am into everything that I want to be. To make tomorrow better than today and to push on even when I feel like crawling into the back of the closet. I'll do this because I want more than what was dealt to me, and I deserve more than I have been burdened with.
I am worth it.
I have always been a very honest person. Like what I have to say or not, I don't have the desire to please people by lying to them. Most of the people close to me know that I suffer from Bi-polar disorder and depending on the therapist, also PTSD. I have control issues and had what some would call a pretty fucked up childhood. I was molested repeatedly for the span of what I can remember to be close to a year and was raised to generally believe men are useless unless given power from a woman. I have trust issues, and usually feel more secure when I am being treated like shit. I have very little family, and the family that I do have is no where near "in" my life. I have never felt "at home" anywhere I have lived. I am more comfortable in other peoples homes than I have ever been in a home that I have actually lived in or owned. I take medication daily, better yet I take medication 8 out of 10 days and even then I usually don't "feel" any better. I have more bad days then good ones and I feel lonely even when I am surrounded by people.
*Whew*
With that said, I strive everyday to not let those things define who I am. I know who I want to be. I want to be a strong woman. The best mother I can possibly be and a loving an supportive wife, friend and person in general. I try to take care of myself and at least act like nothing is "wrong" if there is really nothing that should be "wrong". Honestly, most days I want to crawl out of my own skin because my mind won't shut up and just let me be. I keep as busy as possible with my children, with my books, with the things I like to do. I constantly remind myself how lucky I am to have healthy, happy children, a best friend that knows my flaws well. even if she doesn't understand them, a husband that loves me unconditionally even if he doesn't understand me and a "brother" in the form of an ex husband that understands me even if he can't emotionally be there for me. I have a handful of close friends that know who they are and what they mean to me.
I also have unrealistic expectations that I hate beyond measure and mood swings that probably should probably have me committed. I have a craving for family that I can't seem to let go and an unwavering need for constant change. I am emotionally driven and get my feelings hurt very easily. I loathe all of these things about myself. I wish I could change them, not let them take up so much space in my heart and my mind. But, unfortunately I will never be able to.
Each day I will just go where my moods take me and where my heart leads me. I will continue to put everything I am into everything that I want to be. To make tomorrow better than today and to push on even when I feel like crawling into the back of the closet. I'll do this because I want more than what was dealt to me, and I deserve more than I have been burdened with.
I am worth it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)