Over the hill she goes....

Where did the last 3 years of my life go?

So much has changed, yet I feel so eerily the same. I don't feel like I look any different in the mirror, or that I am any older. My body is still the same, but it sure is slowing down.

This time three years ago I was going through the most overwhelming internal struggle I could ever imagine. I just felt like everything was so wrong, that I was not where I belonged. I tried to do what other moms I knew did, wrap myself up in my kids. But, that only made me feel worse. Made me feel more like I had lost me and was losing control of everything. There was medication and therapy, anything I could do to "feel" better.

Looking from the outside you would think I had it all. I didn't have to work, my husband didn't beat me or cheat on me, my kids were healthy and mostly happy. Some people knew what I was going through, but not many. No one know the depth of it. How dark and deep it was. How unhappy and lost I felt. Nobody would understand, nobody did. They all wanted me to get over it, to act nothing was wrong. Oh how I tried, tried so hard. So much was going on, I tried so hard to tell him that I needed him, that I wasn't happy and I wanted more. I felt like all the "hims" in my life had let me down.

My husband, my brother and my dad. I had lost all the men that I thought cared about me. No support, no friendship, no love. I felt like my mother was right. She had to be right. Men always let you down. I wanted her to be wrong so much.  I hated her way to much for her to be right about anything, but they were all proving her right. How could none of them not care about me? None of them spent any time with me? No matter how much I asked for the time and attention. I was just to much for them.  They all had their reasons, their own problems and struggles to deal with. It wasn't til a year later that I realized that you can't make someone fill something in you, you have to fill your own voids and take care of your own emotions.

Flash forward three years and things look pretty much the same. I still have a brother, that has no desire to actually be a brother, the only dad I ever had as a kid went back on every word he ever told me and I haven't seen him for years. I can't blame him to much, she brainwashed me for years too. Then there's that husband. Oh, he's still around and he's as frustrating as ever. But these days his role has changed, he's the father to my beautiful children and I couldn't imagine a day without him in my life. For some reason, he just never could give me the love and affection that I needed from him. He can give it to our children though, and I am thankfully daily that he does.

And the silver lining is coated in irony.......

That husband I had, well he's damn close to a brother to me. I love him and want to punch him at the same damn time. He's my family and his family is my family. I have a mom and a dad and I couldn't imagine my life without them. They give me more guidance and love than I ever imagined or felt I deserved. I have my two little boys, and their spirits amaze me everyday. I know I was meant to be there Momma. That brings me to "him". I never imagined that I could be loved without rules, without boundaries or limits. Being his wife can be such a struggle, but I know its once I was meant to go throw. He teaches me things about myself daily and makes me smile more than I ever remember doing before. He has pride in simply being my husband and honestly, that makes me feel like i'm worth a million dollars.  And that my friends, that is a first for me.

So to all the important people in my life, you know who you are....I love you without limits, without boundaries and without any rules. Thank you for giving me the life I never knew I needed.