In case you didn't already know, I am a HUGE coffee drinker. I drink it in the morning, afternoon and at night when it sounds good. I love the soothing feeling of coffee, much like tea with more flavor.
One of my favorite things about drinking coffee has become enjoying it with friends. Sitting down with a nice big cup of coffee and a couple girlfriends is so soothing to your soul. Much like other things, it can bring people together so easily.
I could easily be considered an addict. I mean, I do feel as though most times I "NEED" it. However, for me its more of a desire or want. I really, really like coffee. I love the peace my big red coffee cup brings me just by filling it up.
If you take a deep look into my life you can see the connections I have with people that share a deep love for coffee with me. Just hearing about one of my girlfriends enjoying a cup makes me smile.
Although I rarely sit down to the computer without a cup, I am capable of living without it. I choose not to.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Classified ad reads "advice needed"
I feel like my mommy radar is broken. I think I am missing something that I should know how to do already. I feel like I am falling slightly short on the "what to do" front.
With that being said....I do not know what to do about the constant whining going on in this house. My girls are to the point where they are whining when they talk. They are crying in hopes for getting their way and full on throwing fits constantly.
Can someone tell me what I am doing wrong here? I try to give them a very structured day, offering tons of things to do and often places to go. They get treats and cuddles, everything I have to give them. Still they are not happy.
Now don't get me wrong, they do not get everything they want. There are plenty of "NOs" and tons of compromises. To be completely honest, I am exausted. I feel pretty defeated on the mommy front unless I am physically providing my kids with something to do.
My oldest only wants to watch tv. I am not okay with that. TV should be limited in my opinion. GO PLAY! But she doesn't want to. She is only 5, what will I do when she is older? My youngest daughter is by far the worst with the fit throwing. Screaming and hitting if you don't do as she wants immediately. Needless to say, she throws fits constantly since I do not waiver.
Its summer, I want my children to have fun and enjoy life. I don't know what to do to make them happy.
Advice needed.
With that being said....I do not know what to do about the constant whining going on in this house. My girls are to the point where they are whining when they talk. They are crying in hopes for getting their way and full on throwing fits constantly.
Can someone tell me what I am doing wrong here? I try to give them a very structured day, offering tons of things to do and often places to go. They get treats and cuddles, everything I have to give them. Still they are not happy.
Now don't get me wrong, they do not get everything they want. There are plenty of "NOs" and tons of compromises. To be completely honest, I am exausted. I feel pretty defeated on the mommy front unless I am physically providing my kids with something to do.
My oldest only wants to watch tv. I am not okay with that. TV should be limited in my opinion. GO PLAY! But she doesn't want to. She is only 5, what will I do when she is older? My youngest daughter is by far the worst with the fit throwing. Screaming and hitting if you don't do as she wants immediately. Needless to say, she throws fits constantly since I do not waiver.
Its summer, I want my children to have fun and enjoy life. I don't know what to do to make them happy.
Advice needed.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Promise
I have talked about my Pride and I have talked about my Self. What matters most to me is my promise though.
I will not give up this fight. I will not back down and I refuse to waver. I will stand up and be strong for her. The games are still being played, just as they always have been, but it's all so different now. "They" see the games, they know the lies. You are a joke to everyone around you.
So we will wade through the crap you are piling up. We will "cross T's" and "dot I's". We will PROVE that you are the absolute worst thing possible for her. You are incapable of love and you know nothing of truth and compassion.
You are the most selfish person I have ever known.
I PROMISE to love her with all that I have, because you never did. I PROMISE to be there for her no matter what that takes from me or gives to me. But most of all, I PROMISE to never stop trying to keep her from you.
I will not give up this fight. I will not back down and I refuse to waver. I will stand up and be strong for her. The games are still being played, just as they always have been, but it's all so different now. "They" see the games, they know the lies. You are a joke to everyone around you.
So we will wade through the crap you are piling up. We will "cross T's" and "dot I's". We will PROVE that you are the absolute worst thing possible for her. You are incapable of love and you know nothing of truth and compassion.
You are the most selfish person I have ever known.
I PROMISE to love her with all that I have, because you never did. I PROMISE to be there for her no matter what that takes from me or gives to me. But most of all, I PROMISE to never stop trying to keep her from you.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Defeated
I am feeling so damn defeated lately. I feel like my head is just below the water and I can only bring it above water long enough to take a breath of air.
I need strong shoulders and a caring passionate person to hold me up. I can accept my flaws and I know my faults. Why does everyone else try so hard to not own who they are and embrace it? Why not strive to be better and stronger? More loving and more passionate?
I tell you now if you don't have something supportive to say to me, don't bother saying a damn thing to me. I don't need anymore negative in my life. I quite literally can't take another blow. Life is hard enough without all the extra stress put upon us by others.
I need your support. I need your love and I want your respect.
I need strong shoulders and a caring passionate person to hold me up. I can accept my flaws and I know my faults. Why does everyone else try so hard to not own who they are and embrace it? Why not strive to be better and stronger? More loving and more passionate?
I tell you now if you don't have something supportive to say to me, don't bother saying a damn thing to me. I don't need anymore negative in my life. I quite literally can't take another blow. Life is hard enough without all the extra stress put upon us by others.
I need your support. I need your love and I want your respect.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Pride
In case you didn't know, I am a very proud person. I take pride in my family, my friends and especially myself.
But lately all that I can think about is how much pride I have in her. She is so much more than anyone even gave her the option to be. So much more than they said she could or would be. She is bright, talented, smart and beautiful. He maturity and kindness make me smile just thinking about it.
You see I know I am a big part of who she is. I have done everything in my power to nurture her, love her and be there for her since the day she was born. I know that she is not suppose to be my child, but she is. She is so much more my child than she should ever have been, but I would not change our relationship for anything in the world.
I love her and expect so much from her. I want her to be the best she can at everything she does. I worry for her and I do everything I can to care for her. She is mine and she always will be. I may not have given birth to her, but I have cared for her since the day she came home from the hospital.
She is a huge part of who I am and I could not be any more proud of that.
But lately all that I can think about is how much pride I have in her. She is so much more than anyone even gave her the option to be. So much more than they said she could or would be. She is bright, talented, smart and beautiful. He maturity and kindness make me smile just thinking about it.
You see I know I am a big part of who she is. I have done everything in my power to nurture her, love her and be there for her since the day she was born. I know that she is not suppose to be my child, but she is. She is so much more my child than she should ever have been, but I would not change our relationship for anything in the world.
I love her and expect so much from her. I want her to be the best she can at everything she does. I worry for her and I do everything I can to care for her. She is mine and she always will be. I may not have given birth to her, but I have cared for her since the day she came home from the hospital.
She is a huge part of who I am and I could not be any more proud of that.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Inside
Some days there seems to be so much to say, other days I can't think of a single thing. Most days my brain is like a tornado. Its spins and spins and the direction changes on a whim. To say I am scatterbrained would be a complete lack of description.
As someone very close to me once said "If she is eating an orange and an apple rolls by, she will put down the orange and pickup the apple. Forgetting all about the orange until she comes back to it." Its like I constantly see shinny things or get big ideas that pop into my head and I can't remember where I am going or what I am doing.
I say this because I can honestly only take so much before I start dropping the orange so to speak. Me desire to help and nurture takes over before I even realize what I am doing. I make promises, overbook myself and get my priorities mixed up. I don't do this because I don't care. I do it because I am the crazy lady.
And I ain't kiddin on the CAH-RAY-ZEE part.
Now I may make light of my problem, but I do take it very seriously and I know myself inside and out. I can tell when I am falling, when I am soaring and when I am failing. The problem is that I can't tell til it has already begun. I can't tell I am letting people down and dropping the ball until I have already done it. I can't tell I am swinging into the sadness and self consciousness until I am crying. I know how to pick myself up, dust myself off and turn the tide.
If you know me well then you understand me. You accept me for all my flaws and you love me for exactly what and who I am. Because I am not willing to be anything but me. A strong woman who knows who she is and what she wants.
So enjoy the show.
As someone very close to me once said "If she is eating an orange and an apple rolls by, she will put down the orange and pickup the apple. Forgetting all about the orange until she comes back to it." Its like I constantly see shinny things or get big ideas that pop into my head and I can't remember where I am going or what I am doing.
I say this because I can honestly only take so much before I start dropping the orange so to speak. Me desire to help and nurture takes over before I even realize what I am doing. I make promises, overbook myself and get my priorities mixed up. I don't do this because I don't care. I do it because I am the crazy lady.
And I ain't kiddin on the CAH-RAY-ZEE part.
Now I may make light of my problem, but I do take it very seriously and I know myself inside and out. I can tell when I am falling, when I am soaring and when I am failing. The problem is that I can't tell til it has already begun. I can't tell I am letting people down and dropping the ball until I have already done it. I can't tell I am swinging into the sadness and self consciousness until I am crying. I know how to pick myself up, dust myself off and turn the tide.
If you know me well then you understand me. You accept me for all my flaws and you love me for exactly what and who I am. Because I am not willing to be anything but me. A strong woman who knows who she is and what she wants.
So enjoy the show.
Friday, April 9, 2010
Whats in a friend?
Friendship means many things to many people, but to me it means being a friend.
When I am your friend, I am your friend for life. I jump in with both feet and don't look back. Its all or nothing and honey I am in ALL THE WAY. If you feel like our friendship is not strong anymore, maybe its because we have grown apart. But I will always be your friend.
Life changes. Things get harder and easier to different degrees and angles. We keep those around us that make us feel secure and strong in what we are trying to achieve at that time. I can always be what you need me to be. I can do that because I am your friend and friendship is serious business to me.
Do you need a cheerleader?
Maybe you need a conscience?
Would you like a shoulder to cry on?
Or maybe, just maybe you want to give me what I want to give to you.
That is the kind of friends I need. I choose to be in the presence of people that bring out the best in me. People that support the way I choose to live and the things I hold dear to my heart. I truly can't take ANYMORE negativity in my life. If I don't bring it to your life, please don't put it in mine.
My life is full of love and strength. I share that with the people I care about and if we are friends I care about you. You matter to me and I will ALWAYS be here for you.
When I am your friend, I am your friend for life. I jump in with both feet and don't look back. Its all or nothing and honey I am in ALL THE WAY. If you feel like our friendship is not strong anymore, maybe its because we have grown apart. But I will always be your friend.
Life changes. Things get harder and easier to different degrees and angles. We keep those around us that make us feel secure and strong in what we are trying to achieve at that time. I can always be what you need me to be. I can do that because I am your friend and friendship is serious business to me.
Do you need a cheerleader?
Maybe you need a conscience?
Would you like a shoulder to cry on?
Or maybe, just maybe you want to give me what I want to give to you.
That is the kind of friends I need. I choose to be in the presence of people that bring out the best in me. People that support the way I choose to live and the things I hold dear to my heart. I truly can't take ANYMORE negativity in my life. If I don't bring it to your life, please don't put it in mine.
My life is full of love and strength. I share that with the people I care about and if we are friends I care about you. You matter to me and I will ALWAYS be here for you.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Beauty
It is truly sad the way the world looks at beauty.
Why must everything be about the way we fit in clothes or color our face? Is it to much to focus on the way we make each other feel or how we feel inside?
I have always been a bigger girl. I am not a little girl trapped in a bigger body or a chubby girl. I am a Rachel. I am the mother to three beautiful children that know your face and heart are what make you beautiful. I am the wife of a man who thinks I am sexy and strong. I am the friend of several beautiful women who I feel constantly bring themselves down to a level that they believe they are at.
As we grow and change through life our body changes. Our minds evolve and our hearts swell. I see women putting themselves down because they are not who they thought they would be or the size that they "should be".
It amazes me everyday what a journey life is, the ups and downs alone can be draining. The most important thing should be doing what we can to be happy in life. Not to be skinny, or to achieve all that we had set in our minds when started the journey.
Just enjoy the ride.
Why must everything be about the way we fit in clothes or color our face? Is it to much to focus on the way we make each other feel or how we feel inside?
I have always been a bigger girl. I am not a little girl trapped in a bigger body or a chubby girl. I am a Rachel. I am the mother to three beautiful children that know your face and heart are what make you beautiful. I am the wife of a man who thinks I am sexy and strong. I am the friend of several beautiful women who I feel constantly bring themselves down to a level that they believe they are at.
As we grow and change through life our body changes. Our minds evolve and our hearts swell. I see women putting themselves down because they are not who they thought they would be or the size that they "should be".
It amazes me everyday what a journey life is, the ups and downs alone can be draining. The most important thing should be doing what we can to be happy in life. Not to be skinny, or to achieve all that we had set in our minds when started the journey.
Just enjoy the ride.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
To the woman who should have loved me
To say I am disappointed in who you are would only be the tip of the iceburg.
To say that I think your selfish and downright mean would be turning it all in to something small.
This is not a small thing.
Growing up I always knew our family was different. I never thought it was wrong, but I knew it was not normal. My best friend had some interesting family dynamics, but I always, always felt loved when I was there. It never felt like love in our house. It felt like tension and evil. So thick that you could slice the air. Someone was always fighting or yelling. Someone was always doing something you didn't like. Its was always about you.
You would go from being so calm to blowing straight fire from your pores. It was draining just to be in our home. Nobody should have to feel like that. Willing and wanting to be anywhere, anywhere but their home. Feeling like you had to earn your attention and love. Love that I didnt know as a child, was never even there to begin with. We were property, slaves or even leverage. Never just your children.
Now I am a mother. I am who you should have been, but never were. I love my children unconditionally. I love them wholeheartily with everything I have. They are my life, they are all I will ever need or want. They will never be my excuse for being unhappy with myself or my reason to blame things on. No matter what they do in life I will love them and be proud of who they are inside and out. I may not agree with who they are, but that will never make me love them any less or treat them unkind.
I will show them what beauty is and how to respect themselves. How to hold their heads high and know that beauty is truly shown from the inside out. I will never make them believe they are not good enough or a burden on me. I will never show them that its okay to hurt others to get what I want. I will be everything you never were.
I will never be you.
To say that I think your selfish and downright mean would be turning it all in to something small.
This is not a small thing.
Growing up I always knew our family was different. I never thought it was wrong, but I knew it was not normal. My best friend had some interesting family dynamics, but I always, always felt loved when I was there. It never felt like love in our house. It felt like tension and evil. So thick that you could slice the air. Someone was always fighting or yelling. Someone was always doing something you didn't like. Its was always about you.
You would go from being so calm to blowing straight fire from your pores. It was draining just to be in our home. Nobody should have to feel like that. Willing and wanting to be anywhere, anywhere but their home. Feeling like you had to earn your attention and love. Love that I didnt know as a child, was never even there to begin with. We were property, slaves or even leverage. Never just your children.
Now I am a mother. I am who you should have been, but never were. I love my children unconditionally. I love them wholeheartily with everything I have. They are my life, they are all I will ever need or want. They will never be my excuse for being unhappy with myself or my reason to blame things on. No matter what they do in life I will love them and be proud of who they are inside and out. I may not agree with who they are, but that will never make me love them any less or treat them unkind.
I will show them what beauty is and how to respect themselves. How to hold their heads high and know that beauty is truly shown from the inside out. I will never make them believe they are not good enough or a burden on me. I will never show them that its okay to hurt others to get what I want. I will be everything you never were.
I will never be you.
Friday, February 19, 2010
A day in the life with a crazy lady
Its Friday and for the first time this week I don't have anything I "have" to do.
With that said, I love being busy. I love having so much to do that the day flies by and leaves my head spinning. I am pretty sure this comes from being so "stationed" in my childhood.
Don't get me wrong, we did things..But it was always the things she HAD to do. Paying bills and running into the store. Not that she ever did the running, thats what her children were for. It was our *job* to take care of her and make her life easier. Rarely was there a time we did something child friendly or just has a good time. It was more like we had to be there in everything to keep her company, keep her from being alone.
I think that because of the way I was raised I have the need to "go and see" all the time. To just think about it and do it. No need to plan it or find a reason to do it. I was so sheltered and kept from the world when I was young. I think its way more harmful to a child than she ever thought it would be. There was always a reason that I couldn't go or see.
You see, I get way more enjoyment out of running everyday errands than I will ever get out of watching a favorite tv show or just relaxing on the couch. I don't care for either of those things, I find them to just be wasting my life and time. Of course this drives my husband crazy, he is a sitter by nature.
I want my children to have the whole world at their fingertips. To "go and see". I want them to meet people and enjoy just playing outside and get excited to do those things they are interested in.
I want them to be *Children*
That seems like such a simple thing compared to how I grew up. But I don't think I would change my childhood in that department much, because if I did I am not sure I would be so *GO TEAM* on the "be a kid" front. And you know what? I think that is just the way it should be.
With that said, I love being busy. I love having so much to do that the day flies by and leaves my head spinning. I am pretty sure this comes from being so "stationed" in my childhood.
Don't get me wrong, we did things..But it was always the things she HAD to do. Paying bills and running into the store. Not that she ever did the running, thats what her children were for. It was our *job* to take care of her and make her life easier. Rarely was there a time we did something child friendly or just has a good time. It was more like we had to be there in everything to keep her company, keep her from being alone.
I think that because of the way I was raised I have the need to "go and see" all the time. To just think about it and do it. No need to plan it or find a reason to do it. I was so sheltered and kept from the world when I was young. I think its way more harmful to a child than she ever thought it would be. There was always a reason that I couldn't go or see.
You see, I get way more enjoyment out of running everyday errands than I will ever get out of watching a favorite tv show or just relaxing on the couch. I don't care for either of those things, I find them to just be wasting my life and time. Of course this drives my husband crazy, he is a sitter by nature.
I want my children to have the whole world at their fingertips. To "go and see". I want them to meet people and enjoy just playing outside and get excited to do those things they are interested in.
I want them to be *Children*
That seems like such a simple thing compared to how I grew up. But I don't think I would change my childhood in that department much, because if I did I am not sure I would be so *GO TEAM* on the "be a kid" front. And you know what? I think that is just the way it should be.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
What happened you say? My Top Ten Tuesday version of Laughter
What happened to days 14-30 you ask? My brain shut down is what happened.
Everything was going great. I was handling everything strongly and productively. Then I imploded. I knew it was gonna happen eventually. I am not a person who is capable of being serious and responsible for long periods of time. My brain quit responding to the sheer seriousiness of the situtaion and when plain looney.
The long story short of the situtaion is this. She is just plain amazing and stronger than any human I know, far exceeding myself. She is continuing to thrive and grow everyday and that is the ONLY thing that matters to me in that BIG UGLY situation.
So now I give you...My Top Ten Tuesday. Reasons to laugh round these parts! In no apparent order of course.
1. Bug thinks that biting my legs is the perfect way to let me know he would like to nurse. Yes, BITING me.
2. At any given time I can be seen wearing a shirt with a "wet" spot on one boob or the other.
3. When we received out tax return the most exciting purchase for me was a garbage can, WITH A LID! WOOT WOOT!
4. My 5yos new phrase is, What the heck?! Makes me giggle everytime!
5. Watching my 3yo and 5yo fight over the same cushion on the 3 seat couch is infuriating and histerical at the same time. I totally remember doing that as a child.
6. Watching the puppy attack the older dog from underneath him, the big dog can't get back at him while he is under there! I know, easily entertained around these parts!
7. Listening to my 3yo's endless excuses as to why she can't take a nap. "My hair is not tired mommy"
8. When my hubs feeds bug...His mouth opens up every time he feeds him a bite. And I mean EVERYTIME! Never fails!
9. Making fun of the baby never fails to entertain as well. How am I not suppose to laugh when he gets mad at his toys for not doing what he wants them to?
10. And of course, how could I even pretend to forget just plain making fun of myself. Emotions, anxiety, extremes and just plain looneyness!!
Happy Tuesday ALL!
Everything was going great. I was handling everything strongly and productively. Then I imploded. I knew it was gonna happen eventually. I am not a person who is capable of being serious and responsible for long periods of time. My brain quit responding to the sheer seriousiness of the situtaion and when plain looney.
The long story short of the situtaion is this. She is just plain amazing and stronger than any human I know, far exceeding myself. She is continuing to thrive and grow everyday and that is the ONLY thing that matters to me in that BIG UGLY situation.
So now I give you...My Top Ten Tuesday. Reasons to laugh round these parts! In no apparent order of course.
1. Bug thinks that biting my legs is the perfect way to let me know he would like to nurse. Yes, BITING me.
2. At any given time I can be seen wearing a shirt with a "wet" spot on one boob or the other.
3. When we received out tax return the most exciting purchase for me was a garbage can, WITH A LID! WOOT WOOT!
4. My 5yos new phrase is, What the heck?! Makes me giggle everytime!
5. Watching my 3yo and 5yo fight over the same cushion on the 3 seat couch is infuriating and histerical at the same time. I totally remember doing that as a child.
6. Watching the puppy attack the older dog from underneath him, the big dog can't get back at him while he is under there! I know, easily entertained around these parts!
7. Listening to my 3yo's endless excuses as to why she can't take a nap. "My hair is not tired mommy"
8. When my hubs feeds bug...His mouth opens up every time he feeds him a bite. And I mean EVERYTIME! Never fails!
9. Making fun of the baby never fails to entertain as well. How am I not suppose to laugh when he gets mad at his toys for not doing what he wants them to?
10. And of course, how could I even pretend to forget just plain making fun of myself. Emotions, anxiety, extremes and just plain looneyness!!
Happy Tuesday ALL!
Monday, January 25, 2010
Day 13 And the drama continues.
Today is the 13th day of my therapy, but its been 3 weeks since her new life began.
To see the amount of change in her life would completely shock anyone looking from the outside in. She is experiencing love and support she never knew exsisted up til now. We are her bridge to a new world, a world so much bigger and brighter than she ever had the oppurtunity to see before 3 weeks ago.
That is exactly what I have to keep in my mind when I start wading through all the mental games and incredible amounts of emotional stress that we are all going through when dealing with the one who started all the abuse she has been dealing with. Her pure need to be right and win blows me away. Its such an eye opener to see how little she truly cares about the people she has harmed.
So I will be strong, if not for my own sanity...at least for hers.
To see the amount of change in her life would completely shock anyone looking from the outside in. She is experiencing love and support she never knew exsisted up til now. We are her bridge to a new world, a world so much bigger and brighter than she ever had the oppurtunity to see before 3 weeks ago.
That is exactly what I have to keep in my mind when I start wading through all the mental games and incredible amounts of emotional stress that we are all going through when dealing with the one who started all the abuse she has been dealing with. Her pure need to be right and win blows me away. Its such an eye opener to see how little she truly cares about the people she has harmed.
So I will be strong, if not for my own sanity...at least for hers.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Day 11...And Day 12
Yesterday we went to visit her. She looks so content and peaceful. Walking around in her favorite kind of clothes. We are the loungewear queens her and I.
I stood there in my pajama pants just looking at her for a minute. The look on her face when my babies walked in was pure happiness. She misses them, I know how much she loves them. She loves like me, without limits and with a pure heart.
Seeing her freedom means so much to me. She is learning so much about herself. How much strength she has in her and how much more she can gain. How to control her emotions and own her life. I can not wait to see how she soars.
Today I got up and hugged my babies. They are growing so fast and lately all I can think about is keeping them safe and giving them the strength to be incredible people. Whether they want to be parents, doctors or garbage peoples...
I just want them happy.
I stood there in my pajama pants just looking at her for a minute. The look on her face when my babies walked in was pure happiness. She misses them, I know how much she loves them. She loves like me, without limits and with a pure heart.
Seeing her freedom means so much to me. She is learning so much about herself. How much strength she has in her and how much more she can gain. How to control her emotions and own her life. I can not wait to see how she soars.
Today I got up and hugged my babies. They are growing so fast and lately all I can think about is keeping them safe and giving them the strength to be incredible people. Whether they want to be parents, doctors or garbage peoples...
I just want them happy.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Day 10 Some peace in the war
I spent last night in the tub. Just me, the bubbles and my thoughts. It was exactly what I needed. Sometimes I get so much going on in my head, filling my thoughts and controling my heart.
I know we are doing what is right. I know she is safe and that god will help her heal. She has an amazing faith. Its a very strong bond that I have with, our faith. I have said so many times before that I am a strong believer in god and I have an incredible faith.
I believe in my heart that things will work out as they should be. That she will stay in the safe and healthy place that she is in and continue to grow in strength and love.
Faith can be so strong if you let it lead you.
I know we are doing what is right. I know she is safe and that god will help her heal. She has an amazing faith. Its a very strong bond that I have with, our faith. I have said so many times before that I am a strong believer in god and I have an incredible faith.
I believe in my heart that things will work out as they should be. That she will stay in the safe and healthy place that she is in and continue to grow in strength and love.
Faith can be so strong if you let it lead you.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Day 9...Extended angry edition
I am angry. So very very angry.
Why it is okay for you to lie and play games? Why can't you own what you have done to the people around you? The people you were suppose to protect and love. No, instead you turn everything around on everyone else and you own nothing.
I know you read my words. I know you spy on me and make accusations. I don't let those things bother me. I don't because I *know* you are wrong. You have been mean and hurtful for so long. You don't want to change, you want everyone around you to change into what and who you think they should be.
Your a sad person. A mean, hurtful, and coniving person.
A BAD PERSON.
Why it is okay for you to lie and play games? Why can't you own what you have done to the people around you? The people you were suppose to protect and love. No, instead you turn everything around on everyone else and you own nothing.
I know you read my words. I know you spy on me and make accusations. I don't let those things bother me. I don't because I *know* you are wrong. You have been mean and hurtful for so long. You don't want to change, you want everyone around you to change into what and who you think they should be.
Your a sad person. A mean, hurtful, and coniving person.
A BAD PERSON.
Day 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 and 9
The last week has been spent trying to put my life back in order.
I feel so much peace in knowing she is thriving so well. Now that she is truly starting to see the entire magnitude of the pain and hardship she was enduring. She is such an amazingly strong person inside and out. She knows she is loved and that we are doing everything we can to keep her safe and healthy.
Now I am trying to get my family healthy. We have all endured so much stress worrying about her and trying to make things work. Its all so worth it, so very worth it. That doesn't make it easy though.
Slowly, but surly we are making progress. Incredible progress that shows me how very worth everything we are going through is. I tell her everyday that 2010 is her year to shine and show everyone what she is made of and who she is. I know she will own it and prove it.
Yesterday was Bugs birthday. My little boy turned one and she was not here to see it because my home is not safe for her. I will fix that. I will change that. She was so very sad about missing it, but I assured her that he knows how much she loves him.
We all know.
I feel so much peace in knowing she is thriving so well. Now that she is truly starting to see the entire magnitude of the pain and hardship she was enduring. She is such an amazingly strong person inside and out. She knows she is loved and that we are doing everything we can to keep her safe and healthy.
Now I am trying to get my family healthy. We have all endured so much stress worrying about her and trying to make things work. Its all so worth it, so very worth it. That doesn't make it easy though.
Slowly, but surly we are making progress. Incredible progress that shows me how very worth everything we are going through is. I tell her everyday that 2010 is her year to shine and show everyone what she is made of and who she is. I know she will own it and prove it.
Yesterday was Bugs birthday. My little boy turned one and she was not here to see it because my home is not safe for her. I will fix that. I will change that. She was so very sad about missing it, but I assured her that he knows how much she loves him.
We all know.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Day 2: The proof
I saw her today. She looks so different. She is the same, but completely different all at the same time. Who knew that some love and attention could make your cheeks be fuller and you skin rosier.
I want for her to heal so badly. To feel like she is worth it and to see that she is amazing. She is so strong. So smart and just so freaking amazing. I see so much when I look at her.
In just 10 days she has grown. That means everything to me.
I want for her to heal so badly. To feel like she is worth it and to see that she is amazing. She is so strong. So smart and just so freaking amazing. I see so much when I look at her.
In just 10 days she has grown. That means everything to me.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Day 1
Its been 9 days since my life changed.
Its been such an eye opening experience for me. So many things that I just let be because I thought I could do nothing about them. Things I labeled as being "Just the way it is". Oh how wrong I was. Oh how much I didn't know, but I was not surprised. I knew better and I am so disappointed in myself for just standing by and doing nothing.
I know this process we are going through is nessecary. I know its whats fair. I don't FEEL like its right though. To question what you see and what you know is so hard for me. So I will be supportive. I will be strong and I will be right where I should be.
I started with 4. 3 left, and 3 came in. The end result is the same, but the equation is different. This will take some getting used to for everyone.
I am here for you honey. I will ALWAYS be here.
Its been such an eye opening experience for me. So many things that I just let be because I thought I could do nothing about them. Things I labeled as being "Just the way it is". Oh how wrong I was. Oh how much I didn't know, but I was not surprised. I knew better and I am so disappointed in myself for just standing by and doing nothing.
I know this process we are going through is nessecary. I know its whats fair. I don't FEEL like its right though. To question what you see and what you know is so hard for me. So I will be supportive. I will be strong and I will be right where I should be.
I started with 4. 3 left, and 3 came in. The end result is the same, but the equation is different. This will take some getting used to for everyone.
I am here for you honey. I will ALWAYS be here.
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