The one where I tell you all about how big of a wuss I am.

Did I ever tell you how afraid of dying I am? Oh yes, I know this is one of the things you should not fear, but how do you not? Even worse than my fear of dying is my fear of something happening to my children. Some days it consumes me and I can't breath. I so despise anxiety and what it does to me. I hate the feeling of having no control of things and not knowing what to expect.

How to I prepare for something that I don't know how to control? In my last post I talked about this crazy lady not taking her crazy pills at this time. Well those *magic pills* make this crazy lady more level headed. You know, no racing thoughts or inability to sleep due to fear or fretting. Well I can honestly tell you all this Swine Flu shit is going to be the death of the crazy lady!

I know we deal with the flu and all that comes from it all the time. I know we can treat the Swine Flu and I know we as a nation will get it under control very quickly. What I don't know is how to keep my family safe, I feel like there is nothing I can really do short of staying in the god damn house away from the world. My fear of RSV kept me away from 95% of the world for three months. We didn't really start leaving the house til April 15Th. That is how much anxiety I have about RSV.

I know I should not fear what I can not control, but can you truly control your fears? That to me is like saying you can actually be patient when you are not a patient person. Hence my lack of patience. I read a quote yesterday, Pray about everything, worry about nothing. I love the sound of it, but I can't make it work.

Oh, don't get me wrong I am a PRAYIN...But I am still a WORRIN.

What the heck happened in here?!

Since having Cree the weirdest thing has happened, I have started cleaning. I am talking dishes, floors and laundry. I know what you are thinking, what the heck happened? You have three kids and now you have started keeping up the house?

Well I can tell you that I am about 90% sure is the lack of crazy pills in my diet. These Bi-Polar mood swings are going to either kill me or make my family turn me into the nut house. Some days I can't stop cleaning and reoraginzing the house, other days I can't even manage to shower.

Oh and don't get me wrong, I don't think that I am above the meds by any means! I just can't take the Anti-Anxiety/Mood swing pills while nursing chubs. I do however take the happy pills, no wonder Cree is such a good baby! Luckily the happy pills make me more mellowed out for the most part.

Long story short, I have been having a rough one the last few days. It has definately been more on the side of not wanting to do anything. Its like being lathargic and having no energy. It sucks...The lows are really hard. I quite frankly don't care for the highs either honestly, which is weird since most Bi-Polar peeps love them. I hate the feeling of anxiety and being anxious. That is where the need to get everything as it should be comes from.

The hubs thinks the house cleaning is awesome of course, to bad I know its not the "real me". Cause anyone that TRULY knows me, knows this chick ain't a cleaner!

My life through Miley Cyrus eyes

I first heard this song on American Idol a week or two ago, I of course can't remember for sure since I have three kids and no memory at all. It seemed like such a powerful song, such an important message to share. It was not until last night that I got a chance to listen to it again and really pay attention to the words. I was reading a blog by Johnathon Jay, you can check him out here.

http://jonnandkate.blogspot.com/2009/04/musical-monday.html

A young man fighting against cancer with the most incredible outlook I have ever seen. He is choosing to LIVESTRONG and that is nothing short of amazing to me.



The song really speaks to me on so many levels, it really is all about how you get there.

Running on way to little patience

I woke up this morning with about 95% of my patience missing. This is not going to be a pleasant day. I have been snapping and yelling. All this before 10 in the morning, dear lord keep the casualties to a minimum.

Rylee is in full blown whine mode, not actually talking or crying. Right in the middle with whinning. OMG. She is hanging on me and pulling apart the last 5% I have in me. I don't want to yell, I don't want to scream. I want to be the calm and collected parent.

Does anymore know where I can order more patience online for cheap??

Faith

Tomorrow marks the first time this family of mine will walk into a church. Although its not a conventional church, I have a very strong feeling that it will be just the right fit for us.

When asked about religion I have always answered...We have faith, not religion. I honestly do not believe in organized religion. For the longest time I didn't think there was a way to worship or celebrate our faith with out having religion be involved. I think I may have found the way for us to do just that.

If you know me IRL you are probably asking why church, why now? I don't know that I honestly have a good answer for that question. I just know that things have changed and I am looking for stronger faith. My husband is skeptical, but oh so supportive. I could not ask for more than he is giving me.

So if the world suddenly blows up at 11:15 tomorrow, you will know it was because we walked right on in with an open mind and open heart...

Birthdays...

Am I the only person that thinks birthdays are special no matter how old you are? I mean seriously, in todays world shouldn't we make sure to celebrate the fact that we have survived yet another year?

My dad is such an amazing guy. He has a huge heart and a hard life. He deserves his day. I am going to make it special even if it kills me...

Right now I have jumbo carrot cake cupcakes cooling on the counter. I am going to slather them in cream cheese frosting and take them up to my dad at work. Dinner was planned for tonight, but plans have changed. I will take him a homemade dinner to go, cupcakes and a very good present. I will sing him happy birthday and even if for only a minute, I will make him feel special..

Because birthdays are special.

Faith, Family and Friends...

I am so sure that all the dear internets have thought I died...Well you know all 4 or 5 of you that is. However, I have just been enjoying my life. I am so completely happy and content at this moment. Cree is growing like a weed, weighing in around 16lbs already! He will be three months old tomorrow and it is completely killing me that I know I will never have another newborn baby to take care of. I am pretty sure I could have a million babies, but lord knows I can't handle anymore kids.

Today we got the kids pictures taken. I absolutely adore Sears Portrait studio...They ROCK! The photographers are amazing and the shots turned out absolutely amazing. I may be a little bias, but I am pretty sure I have the most B-E-A-UTIFUL children ever. They are each so amazing in their own way. Rainee is smart and loving, Rylee is full of spirit and fun, and Cree is so calm and cuddly. I just can't imagine my life any other way.

Did I mention that I have the most loving and caring husband ever? Oh I didn't tell you about the hot stud that I am married to? Oh yeah baby! Yesterday I shaved his head and this will be the haircut keeper from here on out. The hubs looks different, and we all know how I feel about hair so this will take some definately getting used to for me. We are not talking about a completely bald look, but the trimmer doesn't go any shorter! Now if I could just get him to grow a beard I could probably technically be sleeping with a new man everynight.

Oh and did I tell you I have me some super great friends? Oh yes...There is La, Crys, Deb and Shi...Names edited to keep those in hiding that don't want other people to know they are putting up with me on a regular basis. I am a tweeting facebookin fool and I love it! I have decided that life is what I make of it and I want it to be awesome.

Now about the faith...This is still a work in progress, but I am pretty sure I am headed in the right direction. I feel good about where I am going and where I have been. Will provide more EXCITING info on this topic soon...Cause I am sure you are all dying to know WTF is going on in my crazy head about now.....