If I could video tape the workings of my mind at any given moment I am more than positive that it would look like a NASCAR race in the final lap. Every know and then the film would show major crashes or even cars out of service. My racing thoughts can consume me at any moment or for days at a time. Sure there is medication, but it only dulls the effects of the cycle.
I have been in my head for days. It feels like I have been consumed with thoughts, processes and feelings for years. I loose track of time and my place in a story. I start talking to someone about something out loud and suddenly I have branched off into something that has little to do with the point I am trying to make or whatever I am trying to explain. For most of the people in my life, this can be a very frustrating part of having a conversation with me.
The only way to slow the never ending race down is to empty the contents of my mind as much as possible. It takes adult conversation where I can just get it all out. However, I have to talk to a person who can listen, comment only when necessary and not ask questions. The reason I know this is because in the last 5 years that have suffered from my own mind so severely, I have come by less than a handful of people that could do it. If you have never experienced it, you can not even begin to understand the process and reasoning.
In this conversation I am not looking for your pity, your opinion or for you to FIX anything for me. I can't tell you any WHY's and I can't guarantee that I will even begin to stay on some type of track. What I can tell you is that if you also suffer from the same insanity that haunts my thoughts, then you are perfect.
You see, talking through my thoughts with someone who ACTUALLY experiences it, and lives with it everyday the way I do is so satisfying. Its one of the few times that I haven't felt crazy or ended up completely frustrated with the person I am talking to because they keep trying to tell me that they understand and can't imagine what it is like to have to deal with it. Its never that I think the person doesn't care or that they don't want to listen, its that they can't UNDERSTAND IT. They don't live it. They can't UNDERSTAND ME. Its not their fault, how can you even begin to comprehend something that I myself can't always keep up with and its happening to me?
So, in closing I would like to say a very heartfelt and loving Thank You to the amazing crazy person that has been a shining light in my thoughts lately. I appreciate who you are so much more than you will ever really know. I get you and you get me.
Its a crazy person happiness bubble and it rocks.
