Its been a year.
Actually, its been one year and 5 days.
That was the day my entire world shattered. It broke like glass, something along the lines of that scene in the ballroom in Labyrinth. Just that morning I was listening to 90's country songs telling myself how lucky I was. Good job, loving and supporting husband, healthy kids, and a home that I loved. And then, just like that, it completely fell apart like it was only a dream to begin with.
The following weeks were a complete blur. Moving, selling things, crying til I couldn't breathe. I remember telling myself, you can do this, you can beat this. Then the next minute I was on the floor in a ball crying, saying I couldn't do it, couldn't handle the pain, the loss, and the hopelessness. I was broken, completely broken. I started functioning like a zombie, completely on autopilot.
I owe my survival to two people. Two people that hugged me, told me they loved me, and made sure I didn't jump off any cliffs during "The Great Devastation of 2013". My Sister Mamma and my Baby Daddy. I didn't leave their home for a month. I wasn't brave enough, wasn't strong enough. They covered me with blankets, dried my tears, and told me everything would be okay one day. I specifically remember one night, as I laid on the couch crying myself to the most amazing golf ball sized eyes I would every see, my Baby Daddy walking out of the room and turning off the light, then he says, "I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but it will be okay". It probably didn't mean a thing to him when he said it, but my respect for him had me grabbing those words for dear life.
I needed to believe in something. I needed to have something to have faith in. And if you know me, god isn't on that list. I took me months to return to my normal happy and fun loving self. Even when I did finally return to myself, it wasn't the woman I had been before. The confident woman with a smile on her face. No, it was a very humbled and grounded woman. A woman who will never ever take anything for granted every again. Who will never look at her life and say this isn't good enough or this isn't what I want. No, I will be grateful for every damn thing that ever sets its foot in my path. For every person that brings joy and love into my life. I will give more to others than I ever expect to receive and I will love unconditionally and strong.
Because even though I was broken, it doesn't mean I was defeated. That was only a battle in the war of life. And I can bring all the strength and determination to this life that I choose to.
-The Mrs Mommy
