They all said that I should go and get away. That I should leave my problems at the door and go be worry free. Don't think about the money issues and the stress your life holds right now. Just relax and enjoy.
****I TRIED****
I swear to god I tried. I went with a plan to have a wonderful time and to spend only a small set amount of money. The money that he worked so hard to get for our trip to California. The money that dwindled to damn near nothing by the beginning of our third day of a four day trip. We didn't blow money and we didn't go on a shopping spree. We didn't even do anything that extravagant or special.
What we DID DO was go to California where everything is expensive as hell. Everyone around us was there to spend money. Nobody was trying to save money like us. The front desk of our hotel kept referring to everything that was under $100 as being not that expensive. *Drops jaw*
We did our best to conserve and all the while I did nothing, but run the numbers and constantly think about what that money could do back home. I couldn't stop stressing about one thing or another. I couldn't stop checking my account online and waiting for my phone to ring in my hand. Waiting for a call about a job that I wanted that someone else was given.
***DAMN IT I WANTED THAT JOB***
Long story short...I probably should have just sold my airline tickets, hotel stay and park tickets to someone that could have gone and had the time of their life. While I have several good memories from my first trip with my love, I surely spent way to much of my time moping and stressing about things I can do nothing about from California.
Its a good thing he loves me...because I am pretty sure I would have told him to get the fuck over it a few times in the last four days. All he did was put his arms around me, kiss me and tell me that it was going to be okay. Yep, that's love.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Monday, October 3, 2011
The afterlife
Everyone wants to know what happened. Everyone wants the details of how the job I loved just disappeared.
Well guess what peeps, it just did.
Honestly, I just don't want to talk about it. Its like losing a loved one or an animal, it hurts to talk about it. For the first 3 days after I cried at the thought of not going back. I cried because for the first time in my 30 years I couldn't go back to a place that I love.
I know they say one door closes so another one can open, but does that door really have to smack you in the face when it closes? Its amazing to me how quickly someone can disregard you after you have basically given them your soul. And so, I am left with only what I have learned from this situation....
*Don't give more than you get in life
*Don't make someone or something important to you when you are not important to them
*COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS
*A job is just that, a job.
*You find out who your friends are, and quick
*Find the good in everything around you
*Be grateful and loving always
With that said....I bid you farewell...For now
Whew...Why don't I feel better?
Well guess what peeps, it just did.
Honestly, I just don't want to talk about it. Its like losing a loved one or an animal, it hurts to talk about it. For the first 3 days after I cried at the thought of not going back. I cried because for the first time in my 30 years I couldn't go back to a place that I love.
I know they say one door closes so another one can open, but does that door really have to smack you in the face when it closes? Its amazing to me how quickly someone can disregard you after you have basically given them your soul. And so, I am left with only what I have learned from this situation....
*Don't give more than you get in life
*Don't make someone or something important to you when you are not important to them
*COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS
*A job is just that, a job.
*You find out who your friends are, and quick
*Find the good in everything around you
*Be grateful and loving always
With that said....I bid you farewell...For now
Whew...Why don't I feel better?
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Deep down inside
You know that feeling you get when you know better? When you know that this place you stand is not the right place? I hate that feeling.
The feeling gives you so much uncertainity and such anxiety. Makes you doubt your choices and keeps your from following your gut. Why oh why do my emotions have to control me so much. I feel so powerless to them. Like I am simply just the host of this body and mind, but I have no control over what they do.
I want more. I want happiness. You know the happiness you feel for your life when you take a step back and look at it. I am still in such a place of Limbo that I feel like my feel are not planted on the ground. Days are good and bad as with any life. I'm simply looking for more good days than bad.
I know it will come in time, but did I mention that I am not a patient girl?
The feeling gives you so much uncertainity and such anxiety. Makes you doubt your choices and keeps your from following your gut. Why oh why do my emotions have to control me so much. I feel so powerless to them. Like I am simply just the host of this body and mind, but I have no control over what they do.
I want more. I want happiness. You know the happiness you feel for your life when you take a step back and look at it. I am still in such a place of Limbo that I feel like my feel are not planted on the ground. Days are good and bad as with any life. I'm simply looking for more good days than bad.
I know it will come in time, but did I mention that I am not a patient girl?
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Personality much?
I took a personality test today that a good friend at work gave me. It was interesting how easy it was to answer the questions. I wanted an honest judgement from the test. I answered 70 questions with the first thing that came to my mind. Here's what the test came up with.
Your personality type is ENFP
Extrovert, Intuition, Feeling, Perceiving
Where do you prefer to focus your attention? get your energy?
Extrovert
People who prefer extraversion like to focus on the outer world of people and activity. They direct their energy and attention outward and receive energy from interacting with people and from taking action.
How do you prefer to take in information?
Intuition
People who prefer intuition like to take in information by seeing the big picture, focusing on the relationships and connections between facts. They want to grasp patterns and are especially attuned to seeing new possibilities.
How do you make decisions?
Feeling
People who prefer to use feeling in decision making like to consider what is important to them and to others involved. They mentally place themselves into the situation to identify with everyone so they can make decisions based on their values about honoring people. They are energized by appreciating and supporting others. And look for qualities to praise. Their goal is to create harmony and treat each person as a unique individual.
How do you deal with the outer world?
Perceiving
People who prefer to use their perceiving process in the outer world like to live in a flexible, spontaneous way, seeing to experience and understand life, rather than control it. Detailed plans and final decisions feel confining to them; they prefer to stay open to new information and last-minute options. They are energized by their resourcefulness in adapting to the demands of the moment.
My friends response to my test was this.....
There is more to it, but that is the basic summary of your type. (and I must say it describes you to a T) :-p
Well Andrew...I think so too.
Your personality type is ENFP
Extrovert, Intuition, Feeling, Perceiving
Where do you prefer to focus your attention? get your energy?
Extrovert
People who prefer extraversion like to focus on the outer world of people and activity. They direct their energy and attention outward and receive energy from interacting with people and from taking action.
How do you prefer to take in information?
Intuition
People who prefer intuition like to take in information by seeing the big picture, focusing on the relationships and connections between facts. They want to grasp patterns and are especially attuned to seeing new possibilities.
How do you make decisions?
Feeling
People who prefer to use feeling in decision making like to consider what is important to them and to others involved. They mentally place themselves into the situation to identify with everyone so they can make decisions based on their values about honoring people. They are energized by appreciating and supporting others. And look for qualities to praise. Their goal is to create harmony and treat each person as a unique individual.
How do you deal with the outer world?
Perceiving
People who prefer to use their perceiving process in the outer world like to live in a flexible, spontaneous way, seeing to experience and understand life, rather than control it. Detailed plans and final decisions feel confining to them; they prefer to stay open to new information and last-minute options. They are energized by their resourcefulness in adapting to the demands of the moment.
My friends response to my test was this.....
There is more to it, but that is the basic summary of your type. (and I must say it describes you to a T) :-p
Well Andrew...I think so too.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Someone like me
I came across the blog of an incredibly open woman who speaks her mind and tells it like she feels it. She talks about the ups and downs of parenting, about how its not easy for all of us.
She swears and drinks. In most peoples eyes this would be considered foul or in the wrong, but to me it makes her human. It makes her honest. Her desire to be only herself, good or bad shines through in every post.
She talks about how parenting doesn't always come naturally to all of us and how much harder it can be to keep your head above water. Specifically, a post she wrote called wearer of many hats really spoke to me. You can take a look at the post by copying the link below.
http://nikkisblitheringblog.momswhodrinkandswear.com/2011/02/28/wearer-of-many-hats.aspx
She swears and drinks. In most peoples eyes this would be considered foul or in the wrong, but to me it makes her human. It makes her honest. Her desire to be only herself, good or bad shines through in every post.
She talks about how parenting doesn't always come naturally to all of us and how much harder it can be to keep your head above water. Specifically, a post she wrote called wearer of many hats really spoke to me. You can take a look at the post by copying the link below.
http://nikkisblitheringblog.momswhodrinkandswear.com/2011/02/28/wearer-of-many-hats.aspx
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Cleaning house
Well apparently its time to clean the house out.
Its clear I have people on my facebook page that are clearly not my friend anymore. They are busy judging me and being crude. People that choose to stay in my life so that they can have a good ole time judging me and pointing fingers.
Well my dear friends, this is about to change.
I am posting this as an open forum for you to speak your mind. If we shouldn't be any kind of "friends" then that is fine with me. I know who the people that love me are. And I know who I am. You don't have to like me or put up with me. I know I wouldn't put up with you if you were not being fake to my face and being honest instead.
So I am off to get my delete on.
Peace out!
Its clear I have people on my facebook page that are clearly not my friend anymore. They are busy judging me and being crude. People that choose to stay in my life so that they can have a good ole time judging me and pointing fingers.
Well my dear friends, this is about to change.
I am posting this as an open forum for you to speak your mind. If we shouldn't be any kind of "friends" then that is fine with me. I know who the people that love me are. And I know who I am. You don't have to like me or put up with me. I know I wouldn't put up with you if you were not being fake to my face and being honest instead.
So I am off to get my delete on.
Peace out!
Monday, March 28, 2011
Dear Anonymous
Well hello there my dearest coward.
I see you have finally opted to saying something to my online face. I could not be any more proud of the ability you have apparently gathered to speak up for yourself. You are such a big girl waith your big bad words trying to tell me how bad of a person I am, all the while making yourself look like an incredible ass.
Maybe you didn't get a chance to read my entire post. Did you happen to see the part where I told you that you could kiss my ass? Maybe you didn't see the part where I pointed out that I will no longer stand for people judging my life? The part where I said that I have been punished long enough and will no longer stand for negative people around me?
Well incase you missed it, and just stopped by to slay your verbal vomit about me, let me make a few things clear. I don't lie. You may not like my opinion and you may not care to hear what I have say, but that is where the you can kiss my ass part comes in. I speak from what I have seen or heard. Also, I do not ever set out to hurt or harm anyone. I make mistakes, and from your spelling I see that you do as well.
With that said, I'll take this time to let you know that you can remove yourself from my life because I don't wish to have pieces of shit in it. And you my "friend" are a complete Piece Of Shit. This is my space, don't bring your presence here just to try and bring me down. You will not get that from me, you will only give me more strength.
Sincerely,
The honest person, who makes mistakes.
I see you have finally opted to saying something to my online face. I could not be any more proud of the ability you have apparently gathered to speak up for yourself. You are such a big girl waith your big bad words trying to tell me how bad of a person I am, all the while making yourself look like an incredible ass.
Maybe you didn't get a chance to read my entire post. Did you happen to see the part where I told you that you could kiss my ass? Maybe you didn't see the part where I pointed out that I will no longer stand for people judging my life? The part where I said that I have been punished long enough and will no longer stand for negative people around me?
Well incase you missed it, and just stopped by to slay your verbal vomit about me, let me make a few things clear. I don't lie. You may not like my opinion and you may not care to hear what I have say, but that is where the you can kiss my ass part comes in. I speak from what I have seen or heard. Also, I do not ever set out to hurt or harm anyone. I make mistakes, and from your spelling I see that you do as well.
With that said, I'll take this time to let you know that you can remove yourself from my life because I don't wish to have pieces of shit in it. And you my "friend" are a complete Piece Of Shit. This is my space, don't bring your presence here just to try and bring me down. You will not get that from me, you will only give me more strength.
Sincerely,
The honest person, who makes mistakes.
Lost and found
It feels like a switch was flipped, like something changed almost overnight.
I feel stronger, more confident and more "me".
It took a "talk" from two different men in my life that mean a lot from me. One is my very good friend and one owns my heart. What was said, I am sure you are wondering. "Mainly, who the hell are you and what did you do with Rachel? I want her back". Where's the girl who loved herself and didn't give a shit what anyone else thought as long as she knew she believed in what she was doing and where she was going? The woman who would stand her ground and speak her mind. The woman who got mad and you knew it.
Honestly, I don't know how I got away from her. All I know at this moment is that I am way past done keeping her quiet. I was shaken, I was bruised and I was scared. And you know what, I am straight done with it.
I am a good mother and an incredible friend. I fight for those I love and stand up for what I believe. I may feel as though I stand alone more times than not, but I am strong enough to stand and that is all that matters. I have been holding so much in for fear of judgement and people not liking who I am.
Well you know what, if you don't like my life or my choices then you can just kiss my ass. This is who I am and you know what, that's okay with me.
Sincerely,
Big,bad Rachel
I feel stronger, more confident and more "me".
It took a "talk" from two different men in my life that mean a lot from me. One is my very good friend and one owns my heart. What was said, I am sure you are wondering. "Mainly, who the hell are you and what did you do with Rachel? I want her back". Where's the girl who loved herself and didn't give a shit what anyone else thought as long as she knew she believed in what she was doing and where she was going? The woman who would stand her ground and speak her mind. The woman who got mad and you knew it.
Honestly, I don't know how I got away from her. All I know at this moment is that I am way past done keeping her quiet. I was shaken, I was bruised and I was scared. And you know what, I am straight done with it.
I am a good mother and an incredible friend. I fight for those I love and stand up for what I believe. I may feel as though I stand alone more times than not, but I am strong enough to stand and that is all that matters. I have been holding so much in for fear of judgement and people not liking who I am.
Well you know what, if you don't like my life or my choices then you can just kiss my ass. This is who I am and you know what, that's okay with me.
Sincerely,
Big,bad Rachel
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Strength
Has anyone seen my strength?
I have looked high and low, in and out. Still I waiver. Still I feel so easily defeated. Some days I just feel like I can't get where I want to be. That everything and everyone around me are pushing against me.
Its time to rally up and jump. To hold strong in my faith that I can do this. I tell myself this daily, but I don't know that I truly believe myself. I need to believe myself. I can make my life what I want, and have what I deserve.
Tonight I am making that jump.
Here's to believing in myself.
I have looked high and low, in and out. Still I waiver. Still I feel so easily defeated. Some days I just feel like I can't get where I want to be. That everything and everyone around me are pushing against me.
Its time to rally up and jump. To hold strong in my faith that I can do this. I tell myself this daily, but I don't know that I truly believe myself. I need to believe myself. I can make my life what I want, and have what I deserve.
Tonight I am making that jump.
Here's to believing in myself.
Monday, March 7, 2011
What is happiness??
Happiness to me is the feeling of pure joy. Now I know I will not have this feeling constantly and will still be happy. My point is that, the more moments we have that overwhelm us with Joy the happier we will be in the long run. I seek out these moments. I surround myself with those people that make me happy, that bring me joy.
Drama is so draining, so completly depleating. It takes your energy and brings out the worst in you. So, why do people thrive off of it so much? Why do people push to bring it to a head and jump in it? The only answer that I can come up with after this day from hell is simply because they need to start shit to cover up what they really don't want to say.
Now don't get me wrong, I am so far from perfect that it scares me to say the word outloud. The difference is I don't walk around pretending to be just that. To never own any of the problems or consequences is just no where near possible. I have spent months saying it was all my fault, owning every bit of the hurt that was caused and the lives that were changed. But still I am punished, still I am treated like trash?
Damn it can't you see that I just wanted to be happy? That I only want to be loved and cared for, the way I love and care for others. I know I've made mistakes and I know that I will make more in the future, but right now I want the happiness. I want the joy that I deserve after a year of straight sadness and tears.
Drama is so draining, so completly depleating. It takes your energy and brings out the worst in you. So, why do people thrive off of it so much? Why do people push to bring it to a head and jump in it? The only answer that I can come up with after this day from hell is simply because they need to start shit to cover up what they really don't want to say.
Now don't get me wrong, I am so far from perfect that it scares me to say the word outloud. The difference is I don't walk around pretending to be just that. To never own any of the problems or consequences is just no where near possible. I have spent months saying it was all my fault, owning every bit of the hurt that was caused and the lives that were changed. But still I am punished, still I am treated like trash?
Damn it can't you see that I just wanted to be happy? That I only want to be loved and cared for, the way I love and care for others. I know I've made mistakes and I know that I will make more in the future, but right now I want the happiness. I want the joy that I deserve after a year of straight sadness and tears.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
The Promising Happy Sunday
It started out the best of Sunday, on a wonderful happy note....
Last night was the cake tasting party that I never ended up tasting cake at. It was good times spent with one of my favorite people who has been missed horribly. It was giggles and laughs, wine and food. All things that should be involved in a good weekend if you ask me.
I still have all of today and if I had to go back to work today I could say that I had a fabulous weekend. Friends, for me, make the world turn. They are the family you choose, the family you want around. They make you smile without trying and cry for no reason. I am lucky to have people that love me, even if I have to keep reminding myself that I do.
And it ended up taking a turn for the worst....
She screwed me, a woman that was suppose to be my friend straight up screwed me and left me in a horrible spot. She was selfish and hurtful, all for no reason. Confused my children and purposfully hurting me. She will get what is coming to her, and I won't have to do a thing. I hope she enjoys the choice she made.
I was so not happy with my post ending that way, even though it was truly the note my Sunday ended on... Until....
I picked up my phone and called up my Sche. I called her confused and hurt. I called her sad and hopeless. And you know what she did. She took me and picked me up. Dusted me off and showed me that one bad friendship does not mean that my friends are failing me. She told me what to do even though I already knew. She gave me the pep talk and the direction that I needed to get out of sadville and jump into action.
I truly believe that friendships are what makes my life turn on its axle. What makes me shine or be cloudy. I need them to survive and to thrive.
To those of you out there loving me cause you choose to...
Thank you.
Last night was the cake tasting party that I never ended up tasting cake at. It was good times spent with one of my favorite people who has been missed horribly. It was giggles and laughs, wine and food. All things that should be involved in a good weekend if you ask me.
I still have all of today and if I had to go back to work today I could say that I had a fabulous weekend. Friends, for me, make the world turn. They are the family you choose, the family you want around. They make you smile without trying and cry for no reason. I am lucky to have people that love me, even if I have to keep reminding myself that I do.
And it ended up taking a turn for the worst....
She screwed me, a woman that was suppose to be my friend straight up screwed me and left me in a horrible spot. She was selfish and hurtful, all for no reason. Confused my children and purposfully hurting me. She will get what is coming to her, and I won't have to do a thing. I hope she enjoys the choice she made.
I was so not happy with my post ending that way, even though it was truly the note my Sunday ended on... Until....
I picked up my phone and called up my Sche. I called her confused and hurt. I called her sad and hopeless. And you know what she did. She took me and picked me up. Dusted me off and showed me that one bad friendship does not mean that my friends are failing me. She told me what to do even though I already knew. She gave me the pep talk and the direction that I needed to get out of sadville and jump into action.
I truly believe that friendships are what makes my life turn on its axle. What makes me shine or be cloudy. I need them to survive and to thrive.
To those of you out there loving me cause you choose to...
Thank you.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Whats the deal??
Why do people act like they can't hang out without there children? Am I the only woman who loves her children, but doesn't need to be around them ever second of every day? Yes I miss them, yes I love them, yes I need them. But you know what? I need ME too.
I need to be a woman, I need to be Rachel. If I don't take time for me, what happens when my children are gone and grown? I'll tell ya what will happen. I won't know what to do with myself when there is no noise, when there is no one to take care of, but me.
I love spending time alone with friends, I need time alone and I adore spending time with my babies. And you know what....I need all of those things to be me.
I need to be a woman, I need to be Rachel. If I don't take time for me, what happens when my children are gone and grown? I'll tell ya what will happen. I won't know what to do with myself when there is no noise, when there is no one to take care of, but me.
I love spending time alone with friends, I need time alone and I adore spending time with my babies. And you know what....I need all of those things to be me.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
As the time passes.....
It's funny how time moves forward even when your not ready for it. How things change even when you don't want them to. Even the weather doesn't do what it is suppose to do.
My point is, we truly have no control over most of the changes in our life. We do our best to steer the change or make the best of it, but most changes happened whether we want them to or not.
Everything has a cycle, we move through it and then move on to the next change. Family, friends, work...It all cycles through. Sometimes we need more from our friends or family than we do at other times. Sometimes our jobs need more from us than they do at other times.
You can fear change or will it away, but eventually it will process through. Personally, I believe that change is amazing. It refreshes us and makes us stronger. It gives us the courage to be more and do better. It makes us who we are.
So embrass it. Give in and process it. Let it help you open your eyes to more possibilities and let it give you strength.
Love,
Me.
My point is, we truly have no control over most of the changes in our life. We do our best to steer the change or make the best of it, but most changes happened whether we want them to or not.
Everything has a cycle, we move through it and then move on to the next change. Family, friends, work...It all cycles through. Sometimes we need more from our friends or family than we do at other times. Sometimes our jobs need more from us than they do at other times.
You can fear change or will it away, but eventually it will process through. Personally, I believe that change is amazing. It refreshes us and makes us stronger. It gives us the courage to be more and do better. It makes us who we are.
So embrass it. Give in and process it. Let it help you open your eyes to more possibilities and let it give you strength.
Love,
Me.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Cycles of change
If you have ever spent more than 5 minutes in my company, I am sure you have noticed that I am a very emotionally driven person. I cry at the drop of a hat and I laugh over pretty much anything. For the most part, I wouldn't change it for anything.
I am just me. I have my bad days and my good days. I would like to believe that lately I am having more good days then bad days, but honestly that change is based on my mood. And I am anything, if not a woman of moods.
I am passionate and I am strong, but I also struggle with seeing those things in myself some days. Some days I feel like nothing but a failure. Nothing but a shell of the person I want to be. A person who shines even when nobody is looking.
I want to SEE, I want to DO and I want to BE.
This is my time. this is my change.
I am just me. I have my bad days and my good days. I would like to believe that lately I am having more good days then bad days, but honestly that change is based on my mood. And I am anything, if not a woman of moods.
I am passionate and I am strong, but I also struggle with seeing those things in myself some days. Some days I feel like nothing but a failure. Nothing but a shell of the person I want to be. A person who shines even when nobody is looking.
I want to SEE, I want to DO and I want to BE.
This is my time. this is my change.
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