Pride

In case you didn't know, I am a very proud person. I take pride in my family, my friends and especially myself.

But lately all that I can think about is how much pride I have in her. She is so much more than anyone even gave her the option to be. So much more than they said she could or would be. She is bright, talented, smart and beautiful. He maturity and kindness make me smile just thinking about it.

You see I know I am a big part of who she is. I have done everything in my power to nurture her, love her and be there for her since the day she was born. I know that she is not suppose to be my child, but she is. She is so much more my child than she should ever have been, but I would not change our relationship for anything in the world.

I love her and expect so much from her. I want her to be the best she can at everything she does. I worry for her and I do everything I can to care for her. She is mine and she always will be. I may not have given birth to her, but I have cared for her since the day she came home from the hospital.

She is a huge part of who I am and I could not be any more proud of that.

Inside

Some days there seems to be so much to say, other days I can't think of a single thing. Most days my brain is like a tornado. Its spins and spins and the direction changes on a whim. To say I am scatterbrained would be a complete lack of description.

As someone very close to me once said "If she is eating an orange and an apple rolls by, she will put down the orange and pickup the apple. Forgetting all about the orange until she comes back to it." Its like I constantly see shinny things or get big ideas that pop into my head and I can't remember where I am going or what I am doing.

I say this because I can honestly only take so much before I start dropping the orange so to speak. Me desire to help and nurture takes over before I even realize what I am doing. I make promises, overbook myself and get my priorities mixed up. I don't do this because I don't care. I do it because I am the crazy lady.

And I ain't kiddin on the CAH-RAY-ZEE part.

Now I may make light of my problem, but I do take it very seriously and I know myself inside and out. I can tell when I am falling, when I am soaring and when I am failing. The problem is that I can't tell til it has already begun. I can't tell I am letting people down and dropping the ball until I have already done it. I can't tell I am swinging into the sadness and self consciousness until I am crying. I know how to pick myself up, dust myself off and turn the tide.

If you know me well then you understand me. You accept me for all my flaws and you love me for exactly what and who I am. Because I am not willing to be anything but me. A strong woman who knows who she is and what she wants.

So enjoy the show.

Whats in a friend?

Friendship means many things to many people, but to me it means being a friend.

When I am your friend, I am your friend for life. I jump in with both feet and don't look back. Its all or nothing and honey I am in ALL THE WAY. If you feel like our friendship is not strong anymore, maybe its because we have grown apart. But I will always be your friend.

Life changes. Things get harder and easier to different degrees and angles. We keep those around us that make us feel secure and strong in what we are trying to achieve at that time. I can always be what you need me to be. I can do that because I am your friend and friendship is serious business to me.

Do you need a cheerleader?

Maybe you need a conscience?

Would you like a shoulder to cry on?

Or maybe, just maybe you want to give me what I want to give to you.

That is the kind of friends I need. I choose to be in the presence of people that bring out the best in me. People that support the way I choose to live and the things I hold dear to my heart. I truly can't take ANYMORE negativity in my life. If I don't bring it to your life, please don't put it in mine.

My life is full of love and strength. I share that with the people I care about and if we are friends I care about you. You matter to me and I will ALWAYS be here for you.

Beauty

It is truly sad the way the world looks at beauty.

Why must everything be about the way we fit in clothes or color our face? Is it to much to focus on the way we make each other feel or how we feel inside?

I have always been a bigger girl. I am not a little girl trapped in a bigger body or a chubby girl. I am a Rachel. I am the mother to three beautiful children that know your face and heart are what make you beautiful. I am the wife of a man who thinks I am sexy and strong. I am the friend of several beautiful women who I feel constantly bring themselves down to a level that they believe they are at.

As we grow and change through life our body changes. Our minds evolve and our hearts swell. I see women putting themselves down because they are not who they thought they would be or the size that they "should be".

It amazes me everyday what a journey life is, the ups and downs alone can be draining. The most important thing should be doing what we can to be happy in life. Not to be skinny, or to achieve all that we had set in our minds when started the journey.

Just enjoy the ride.

To the woman who should have loved me

To say I am disappointed in who you are would only be the tip of the iceburg.

To say that I think your selfish and downright mean would be turning it all in to something small.

This is not a small thing.

Growing up I always knew our family was different. I never thought it was wrong, but I knew it was not normal. My best friend had some interesting family dynamics, but I always, always felt loved when I was there. It never felt like love in our house. It felt like tension and evil. So thick that you could slice the air. Someone was always fighting or yelling. Someone was always doing something you didn't like. Its was always about you.

You would go from being so calm to blowing straight fire from your pores. It was draining just to be in our home. Nobody should have to feel like that. Willing and wanting to be anywhere, anywhere but their home. Feeling like you had to earn your attention and love. Love that I didnt know as a child, was never even there to begin with. We were property, slaves or even leverage. Never just your children.

Now I am a mother. I am who you should have been, but never were. I love my children unconditionally. I love them wholeheartily with everything I have. They are my life, they are all I will ever need or want. They will never be my excuse for being unhappy with myself or my reason to blame things on. No matter what they do in life I will love them and be proud of who they are inside and out. I may not agree with who they are, but that will never make me love them any less or treat them unkind.

I will show them what beauty is and how to respect themselves. How to hold their heads high and know that beauty is truly shown from the inside out. I will never make them believe they are not good enough or a burden on me. I will never show them that its okay to hurt others to get what I want. I will be everything you never were.

I will never be you.