I am feeling so damn defeated lately. I feel like my head is just below the water and I can only bring it above water long enough to take a breath of air.
I need strong shoulders and a caring passionate person to hold me up. I can accept my flaws and I know my faults. Why does everyone else try so hard to not own who they are and embrace it? Why not strive to be better and stronger? More loving and more passionate?
I tell you now if you don't have something supportive to say to me, don't bother saying a damn thing to me. I don't need anymore negative in my life. I quite literally can't take another blow. Life is hard enough without all the extra stress put upon us by others.
I need your support. I need your love and I want your respect.
Showing posts with label In my head. Show all posts
Showing posts with label In my head. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Monday, April 12, 2010
Inside
Some days there seems to be so much to say, other days I can't think of a single thing. Most days my brain is like a tornado. Its spins and spins and the direction changes on a whim. To say I am scatterbrained would be a complete lack of description.
As someone very close to me once said "If she is eating an orange and an apple rolls by, she will put down the orange and pickup the apple. Forgetting all about the orange until she comes back to it." Its like I constantly see shinny things or get big ideas that pop into my head and I can't remember where I am going or what I am doing.
I say this because I can honestly only take so much before I start dropping the orange so to speak. Me desire to help and nurture takes over before I even realize what I am doing. I make promises, overbook myself and get my priorities mixed up. I don't do this because I don't care. I do it because I am the crazy lady.
And I ain't kiddin on the CAH-RAY-ZEE part.
Now I may make light of my problem, but I do take it very seriously and I know myself inside and out. I can tell when I am falling, when I am soaring and when I am failing. The problem is that I can't tell til it has already begun. I can't tell I am letting people down and dropping the ball until I have already done it. I can't tell I am swinging into the sadness and self consciousness until I am crying. I know how to pick myself up, dust myself off and turn the tide.
If you know me well then you understand me. You accept me for all my flaws and you love me for exactly what and who I am. Because I am not willing to be anything but me. A strong woman who knows who she is and what she wants.
So enjoy the show.
As someone very close to me once said "If she is eating an orange and an apple rolls by, she will put down the orange and pickup the apple. Forgetting all about the orange until she comes back to it." Its like I constantly see shinny things or get big ideas that pop into my head and I can't remember where I am going or what I am doing.
I say this because I can honestly only take so much before I start dropping the orange so to speak. Me desire to help and nurture takes over before I even realize what I am doing. I make promises, overbook myself and get my priorities mixed up. I don't do this because I don't care. I do it because I am the crazy lady.
And I ain't kiddin on the CAH-RAY-ZEE part.
Now I may make light of my problem, but I do take it very seriously and I know myself inside and out. I can tell when I am falling, when I am soaring and when I am failing. The problem is that I can't tell til it has already begun. I can't tell I am letting people down and dropping the ball until I have already done it. I can't tell I am swinging into the sadness and self consciousness until I am crying. I know how to pick myself up, dust myself off and turn the tide.
If you know me well then you understand me. You accept me for all my flaws and you love me for exactly what and who I am. Because I am not willing to be anything but me. A strong woman who knows who she is and what she wants.
So enjoy the show.
Friday, April 9, 2010
Whats in a friend?
Friendship means many things to many people, but to me it means being a friend.
When I am your friend, I am your friend for life. I jump in with both feet and don't look back. Its all or nothing and honey I am in ALL THE WAY. If you feel like our friendship is not strong anymore, maybe its because we have grown apart. But I will always be your friend.
Life changes. Things get harder and easier to different degrees and angles. We keep those around us that make us feel secure and strong in what we are trying to achieve at that time. I can always be what you need me to be. I can do that because I am your friend and friendship is serious business to me.
Do you need a cheerleader?
Maybe you need a conscience?
Would you like a shoulder to cry on?
Or maybe, just maybe you want to give me what I want to give to you.
That is the kind of friends I need. I choose to be in the presence of people that bring out the best in me. People that support the way I choose to live and the things I hold dear to my heart. I truly can't take ANYMORE negativity in my life. If I don't bring it to your life, please don't put it in mine.
My life is full of love and strength. I share that with the people I care about and if we are friends I care about you. You matter to me and I will ALWAYS be here for you.
When I am your friend, I am your friend for life. I jump in with both feet and don't look back. Its all or nothing and honey I am in ALL THE WAY. If you feel like our friendship is not strong anymore, maybe its because we have grown apart. But I will always be your friend.
Life changes. Things get harder and easier to different degrees and angles. We keep those around us that make us feel secure and strong in what we are trying to achieve at that time. I can always be what you need me to be. I can do that because I am your friend and friendship is serious business to me.
Do you need a cheerleader?
Maybe you need a conscience?
Would you like a shoulder to cry on?
Or maybe, just maybe you want to give me what I want to give to you.
That is the kind of friends I need. I choose to be in the presence of people that bring out the best in me. People that support the way I choose to live and the things I hold dear to my heart. I truly can't take ANYMORE negativity in my life. If I don't bring it to your life, please don't put it in mine.
My life is full of love and strength. I share that with the people I care about and if we are friends I care about you. You matter to me and I will ALWAYS be here for you.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Day 11...And Day 12
Yesterday we went to visit her. She looks so content and peaceful. Walking around in her favorite kind of clothes. We are the loungewear queens her and I.
I stood there in my pajama pants just looking at her for a minute. The look on her face when my babies walked in was pure happiness. She misses them, I know how much she loves them. She loves like me, without limits and with a pure heart.
Seeing her freedom means so much to me. She is learning so much about herself. How much strength she has in her and how much more she can gain. How to control her emotions and own her life. I can not wait to see how she soars.
Today I got up and hugged my babies. They are growing so fast and lately all I can think about is keeping them safe and giving them the strength to be incredible people. Whether they want to be parents, doctors or garbage peoples...
I just want them happy.
I stood there in my pajama pants just looking at her for a minute. The look on her face when my babies walked in was pure happiness. She misses them, I know how much she loves them. She loves like me, without limits and with a pure heart.
Seeing her freedom means so much to me. She is learning so much about herself. How much strength she has in her and how much more she can gain. How to control her emotions and own her life. I can not wait to see how she soars.
Today I got up and hugged my babies. They are growing so fast and lately all I can think about is keeping them safe and giving them the strength to be incredible people. Whether they want to be parents, doctors or garbage peoples...
I just want them happy.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
The Angry one
This is not a happy post. This one will not be funny and it will not be light. You have been warned.
I am so fucking tired of shit right now. I mean seriously, why in gods name does shit have to flow so fast and furious some times? My husband currently has no respect for me. My two year old is slowly trying to kill me and I have not slept for more than three hours at a time in almost a fucking year. The only thing keeping me from downing more alcohol is Debbie, my sweet baby boy and my incredible fear of dying. No worries peeps, I am not going to off myself. That would just be so depressing and whatnot.
However, should you feel the need to come and whisk me away to some far away place where everyone is sweet and nice and loves you for just you....
I PROMISE I WILL DRIVE!!!
I am so fucking tired of shit right now. I mean seriously, why in gods name does shit have to flow so fast and furious some times? My husband currently has no respect for me. My two year old is slowly trying to kill me and I have not slept for more than three hours at a time in almost a fucking year. The only thing keeping me from downing more alcohol is Debbie, my sweet baby boy and my incredible fear of dying. No worries peeps, I am not going to off myself. That would just be so depressing and whatnot.
However, should you feel the need to come and whisk me away to some far away place where everyone is sweet and nice and loves you for just you....
I PROMISE I WILL DRIVE!!!
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
D-O-N-E
You read that right. I am just straight done.
Done being the person that tries to perk you up and make you feel better. Done being the optomistic person that tells you everything will be fine and done trying to help you be happy.
For the record, this letter will not be mailed.
I tend to be the supportive person. I will help you with whatever you need whenever you need it. Pick you up when you are down and pat your back when you deserve it. But you know what? I am just straight fucking tired of being that person. I can't take the negative shit I have to trudge through to do it.
*CLOCKINGOUTNOW*
Much Love,
Mrs. Mommy
P.S. Please don't call me about this post. I blog to say what I feel, not to have a conversation about it. Feel free to comment, cause hey thats what the post a comment section is for. But don't ask me to talk about it. I would have if I thought for one second that I needed to drag it on anymore.
Done being the person that tries to perk you up and make you feel better. Done being the optomistic person that tells you everything will be fine and done trying to help you be happy.
For the record, this letter will not be mailed.
I tend to be the supportive person. I will help you with whatever you need whenever you need it. Pick you up when you are down and pat your back when you deserve it. But you know what? I am just straight fucking tired of being that person. I can't take the negative shit I have to trudge through to do it.
*CLOCKINGOUTNOW*
Much Love,
Mrs. Mommy
P.S. Please don't call me about this post. I blog to say what I feel, not to have a conversation about it. Feel free to comment, cause hey thats what the post a comment section is for. But don't ask me to talk about it. I would have if I thought for one second that I needed to drag it on anymore.
Friday, August 7, 2009
Shabby state of affairs
This house is in chaos. There is so many things I want and need to do.
1. We finally got the fence done, but since have done not a damn thing in the yard and its shabby out there. I mean BAD. The weeds are winning the grass in the war to take over the yard. Between the kids and the dog, it *MAY* look like the definition of white trash trailer yard out there.
2. I am sure you understand why I sit inside the house at the computer now.
T3. he house inside needs to be organized. I say that loosely because I don't know what I can organize. We live in a house that we occupy every single bit of space in. There are not any closets or shelves. What shelves we have added in are completely full with kitchen things as I am a big time cooker.
4. The walls are white. *ENOUGHSAID*
5. Nothing really matches. Its all kind of thrown together. I am not really bother by it, it just feels like nothing really meshes.
6. I MUST HAVE CHANGE. This is not an options peeps, its a *MUSTHAVE* I rearrange the furniture, the kitchen gadgets and the things on the bathroom shelf. Its the only way I can *FEELLIKE* I am doing something about the way the house feels. Unorganized and skattered around.
Now while the previously listed things all bother me in one way or another, they are not listed in degree of saverity or anything like that. They are just the things that I know I would like to *CHANGE* We will be painting the house in September. THANK GOD! We are going to get our butt in gear out in the yard, cause by god it doesn't look like anyone gives to shits about this property!
Other than that...I think I need a different house and some money to fix the rest. Since the will not be happening for a while, I suppose I will just keep plugging away at trying to make it feel more like a home instead of a house.
Anyone have any suggestions for the crazy lady today? What do you do for change?
1. We finally got the fence done, but since have done not a damn thing in the yard and its shabby out there. I mean BAD. The weeds are winning the grass in the war to take over the yard. Between the kids and the dog, it *MAY* look like the definition of white trash trailer yard out there.
2. I am sure you understand why I sit inside the house at the computer now.
T3. he house inside needs to be organized. I say that loosely because I don't know what I can organize. We live in a house that we occupy every single bit of space in. There are not any closets or shelves. What shelves we have added in are completely full with kitchen things as I am a big time cooker.
4. The walls are white. *ENOUGHSAID*
5. Nothing really matches. Its all kind of thrown together. I am not really bother by it, it just feels like nothing really meshes.
6. I MUST HAVE CHANGE. This is not an options peeps, its a *MUSTHAVE* I rearrange the furniture, the kitchen gadgets and the things on the bathroom shelf. Its the only way I can *FEELLIKE* I am doing something about the way the house feels. Unorganized and skattered around.
Now while the previously listed things all bother me in one way or another, they are not listed in degree of saverity or anything like that. They are just the things that I know I would like to *CHANGE* We will be painting the house in September. THANK GOD! We are going to get our butt in gear out in the yard, cause by god it doesn't look like anyone gives to shits about this property!
Other than that...I think I need a different house and some money to fix the rest. Since the will not be happening for a while, I suppose I will just keep plugging away at trying to make it feel more like a home instead of a house.
Anyone have any suggestions for the crazy lady today? What do you do for change?
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Oh the insanity!
I really hate being unsure.
I don't like feeling lost and not sure where to go or what to do. Double guessing myself and being full of anxiety. I know it's normal for me. I know it's part of all the craziness that is me. My problem is most of the time I don't know I am in it til I start taking it out on people. I hate that most. I don't want to be that person. That person that makes everything everyone else's problem or fault. That is just straight ridiculous.
I am an adult. I am grown woman who makes mistakes and bad choices. I am a yeller by nature. I was raised in a screamin demon home. I hate that I have no patience and I hate that I can take things out on people that did nothing wrong or at least nothing wrong that even pertains to what I am upset about or have on my mind. I don't want to be the raving mad woman that people don't want to talk to or be honest with.
Being open minded and honest is very important to me. If you do something I don't like I am going to tell you. Because quite frankly, I think you should know its not attractive. Kind of like telling someone they have lipstick on their teeth or a booger in their nose. Hell I would want to know!
My point is this, I know I am back and forth. I know I am up and down and usually side to side as well. For this I am sorry. It's not fair to the people around me that love me and actually want to be around me. It will get better because I want it to. And I can make that happen if I try.
Much Love,
Mrs Mommy
I don't like feeling lost and not sure where to go or what to do. Double guessing myself and being full of anxiety. I know it's normal for me. I know it's part of all the craziness that is me. My problem is most of the time I don't know I am in it til I start taking it out on people. I hate that most. I don't want to be that person. That person that makes everything everyone else's problem or fault. That is just straight ridiculous.
I am an adult. I am grown woman who makes mistakes and bad choices. I am a yeller by nature. I was raised in a screamin demon home. I hate that I have no patience and I hate that I can take things out on people that did nothing wrong or at least nothing wrong that even pertains to what I am upset about or have on my mind. I don't want to be the raving mad woman that people don't want to talk to or be honest with.
Being open minded and honest is very important to me. If you do something I don't like I am going to tell you. Because quite frankly, I think you should know its not attractive. Kind of like telling someone they have lipstick on their teeth or a booger in their nose. Hell I would want to know!
My point is this, I know I am back and forth. I know I am up and down and usually side to side as well. For this I am sorry. It's not fair to the people around me that love me and actually want to be around me. It will get better because I want it to. And I can make that happen if I try.
Much Love,
Mrs Mommy
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Me and food are TIGHT!
You could say I have a LOVE/LOVE relationship with food. I love how it feels to cook it, bake it and eat it. The memories associated with food are amazing. I never regret eating something I put in my mouth and there is not much I won't eat.
I tell you this not cause I want you to know why I have the chubs, but because I think people should really stop looking at food like its the enemy. Why not just appreciate it and enjoy it in moderation? Does it not taste oh so good? Should we not just accept and incorporate?
I love to create new food, try new recipes and all around just get my food on. Comfort food is amazing. I love to share my food and give it as gifts. I truly appreciate how it brings people together in good and bad times. Different textures and smells, oh I tell you its just FREAKING AWESOME!
But do you know that the best part of food is for me?
Cooking for my family and friends. Making them things that you can enjoy and appreciate. The look on their faces when they are enjoying themselves or just hearing about how good it smells or tastes. Oh yes peeps, this is my FAVORITE PART!
P.S.I don't mind grocery shopping or puttin the groceries away either! Boy do I love having a big old house full of food. Being able to pick what you want to eat out of so many choices..That is DA BOMB!
So go now my peeps...Get your food on and enjoy yourselves!!
I tell you this not cause I want you to know why I have the chubs, but because I think people should really stop looking at food like its the enemy. Why not just appreciate it and enjoy it in moderation? Does it not taste oh so good? Should we not just accept and incorporate?
I love to create new food, try new recipes and all around just get my food on. Comfort food is amazing. I love to share my food and give it as gifts. I truly appreciate how it brings people together in good and bad times. Different textures and smells, oh I tell you its just FREAKING AWESOME!
But do you know that the best part of food is for me?
Cooking for my family and friends. Making them things that you can enjoy and appreciate. The look on their faces when they are enjoying themselves or just hearing about how good it smells or tastes. Oh yes peeps, this is my FAVORITE PART!
P.S.I don't mind grocery shopping or puttin the groceries away either! Boy do I love having a big old house full of food. Being able to pick what you want to eat out of so many choices..That is DA BOMB!
So go now my peeps...Get your food on and enjoy yourselves!!
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Why does it have to be so hard?
I need the answer to just that peeps. I can't take another god damn fucking minute of this rollercoaster. One thing works out another breaks. Why can't everything just fall in to place for once?
If I make piece with one, it creates war with another. Do I choose one over the other or an I just as bad as her? So much in my head and by god it needs to fucking go elsewhere! I am mad, I am sad and just way to fucking overwhelmed!
Do I choose to start this? Put everything I have into it and see where it goes. I want nothing to do with both at the same time. I will not put myself in that position ever again. To trust is hard enough with just one, but both...That would probably off me.
So I try to think about it. What would I do, would I have done. I really don't know. So then I think, just let it go. But I can't, I will always wonder and want to know what is truly none of my business. Add to that, he doesn't get it either. He wants it to be over and I understand that. I wish I could understand it all myself. I don't want to be in it anymore either.
I want peace.
If I make piece with one, it creates war with another. Do I choose one over the other or an I just as bad as her? So much in my head and by god it needs to fucking go elsewhere! I am mad, I am sad and just way to fucking overwhelmed!
Do I choose to start this? Put everything I have into it and see where it goes. I want nothing to do with both at the same time. I will not put myself in that position ever again. To trust is hard enough with just one, but both...That would probably off me.
So I try to think about it. What would I do, would I have done. I really don't know. So then I think, just let it go. But I can't, I will always wonder and want to know what is truly none of my business. Add to that, he doesn't get it either. He wants it to be over and I understand that. I wish I could understand it all myself. I don't want to be in it anymore either.
I want peace.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Thank god for sun!
Oh yes peeps it has been sunny for two, count um 1, 2 days! WOOT WOOT!
You have no idea with natural sunlight can do for this flower. Its amazing how much it helps me to brighten my life. Today I woke up and opened the blinds baby! Bring on the sun. I had a cup of coffee (duh), fruit and some yogurt. Not only did it feel good, but it gave me the peace I needed to start the day. Just sitting at the counter checking email and such while drinking a cup of coffee with breakfast. Oh I think that it will be a new daily staple for me.
Some days I am in my own head way to much. I could drowned in there if I let myself. I have been so overwhelmed lately. I love routine and getting things done and I think that is where I need to focus right now to keep myself level headed. You would not believe how therapeutic it is for me to keep the kitchen clean. You *heard* that right my friends. I am cleanin' that bad boy daily, some times more! Watch out world, I kick ass with soap!
I am still forgetful, I still freakout. I am a total sailor in the swearing department and I am comfortably on the chubby side...But you know what? I am TOTALLY just me and I fine with that.
You have no idea with natural sunlight can do for this flower. Its amazing how much it helps me to brighten my life. Today I woke up and opened the blinds baby! Bring on the sun. I had a cup of coffee (duh), fruit and some yogurt. Not only did it feel good, but it gave me the peace I needed to start the day. Just sitting at the counter checking email and such while drinking a cup of coffee with breakfast. Oh I think that it will be a new daily staple for me.
Some days I am in my own head way to much. I could drowned in there if I let myself. I have been so overwhelmed lately. I love routine and getting things done and I think that is where I need to focus right now to keep myself level headed. You would not believe how therapeutic it is for me to keep the kitchen clean. You *heard* that right my friends. I am cleanin' that bad boy daily, some times more! Watch out world, I kick ass with soap!
I am still forgetful, I still freakout. I am a total sailor in the swearing department and I am comfortably on the chubby side...But you know what? I am TOTALLY just me and I fine with that.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
A BFF and a need
About a year ago I *lost* my BFF. She was a great listener, always on my side and incredibly understanding. She always knew what to say because, well because she knew me INSIDE AND OUT. The kind of knowing that comes from growing up together and being by each others side for 15+ years. Since this loss I feel lost. I am so insecure in my friendships is unbarable. Its like I was broken so bad I don't feel like anyone will ever want a true one on one friendship with me. Sure I have friends, but not a GOOD BFF.
I know I was spoiled. I was told daily that those kinds of friendships don't exsist and hell it sure seems like people were right since that friendship blew straight apart the day her husband tried to ruin my marriage with *INFO* that he said she gave him. Information that he went to my husband with and caused incredible hurt and sorrow for no reason. Some of it true, most of it completely wrong and hurtful. All I can say is WOW, that was so not what I thought it was.
I have not talked to her for even one second since that day. Not a word. She still lives in the same house, we still live in the same house. I don't know anything about her life and she knows nothing of mine, well I don't think she does. Some days all I can do is think about her and how our friendship was. I want to pout and scream. I want to understand the "why".
Some days I come close to talking myself into calling her or stopping by her house to just start over, to pretend nothing happened or that it was all just one big mistake. Then I get incredibly angry at myself. How could I think for even on minute that is okay? That it can be forgiven?
The hard days in my life are the worst. I mean don't get me wrong, I am one lucky woman. I have a WONDERFUL husband, 3 healthy/happy children and all the things I truly need in life. For 95% of the time I am incredibly happy with my life and feel so blessed, but oh god that 5% kicks my ass. Its like being thrown down a hill that I just keep rolling down. I know I have a need.
I need someone to understand. I need someone to *get me*. To love me inside and out because they can't live without me. Now I know what you are thinking, I have the wonderful hubs. This is true, but oh how he doesn't get the shit flying around in my head. Its to much for him and I totally understand that. Fuck, its to much for me most days. I don't talk to him about it because I already know what he will say and its not what I need.
He will tell me to get over it. Because to him its just that plain and simple. Have a problem, deal with it. Fix it and move on. He takes everything with a grain of salt and I really wish I had that quality. For me its not that simple. I need more and I can't for the life of me figure out where to get it. I was lucky before and it fell in my lap during 3 grade. I know I won't get that gift again.
So what now?
I know I was spoiled. I was told daily that those kinds of friendships don't exsist and hell it sure seems like people were right since that friendship blew straight apart the day her husband tried to ruin my marriage with *INFO* that he said she gave him. Information that he went to my husband with and caused incredible hurt and sorrow for no reason. Some of it true, most of it completely wrong and hurtful. All I can say is WOW, that was so not what I thought it was.
I have not talked to her for even one second since that day. Not a word. She still lives in the same house, we still live in the same house. I don't know anything about her life and she knows nothing of mine, well I don't think she does. Some days all I can do is think about her and how our friendship was. I want to pout and scream. I want to understand the "why".
Some days I come close to talking myself into calling her or stopping by her house to just start over, to pretend nothing happened or that it was all just one big mistake. Then I get incredibly angry at myself. How could I think for even on minute that is okay? That it can be forgiven?
The hard days in my life are the worst. I mean don't get me wrong, I am one lucky woman. I have a WONDERFUL husband, 3 healthy/happy children and all the things I truly need in life. For 95% of the time I am incredibly happy with my life and feel so blessed, but oh god that 5% kicks my ass. Its like being thrown down a hill that I just keep rolling down. I know I have a need.
I need someone to understand. I need someone to *get me*. To love me inside and out because they can't live without me. Now I know what you are thinking, I have the wonderful hubs. This is true, but oh how he doesn't get the shit flying around in my head. Its to much for him and I totally understand that. Fuck, its to much for me most days. I don't talk to him about it because I already know what he will say and its not what I need.
He will tell me to get over it. Because to him its just that plain and simple. Have a problem, deal with it. Fix it and move on. He takes everything with a grain of salt and I really wish I had that quality. For me its not that simple. I need more and I can't for the life of me figure out where to get it. I was lucky before and it fell in my lap during 3 grade. I know I won't get that gift again.
So what now?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)