I know what your thinking...What the hell does that title mean?
Well I will tell you, and in extreme detail.
Growing up, holidays were huge. All of them. We decorated, we celebrated, and just plain enjoyed the shit out of them. I've always loved getting and giving presents, making special meals, and making those around me feel special and loved. For years I went out of my way to make everyone around me feel magical on the holidays, be it Christmas, or the 4th of July. Mother's Day, Father's Day, you name it, I did it up big!
However, over the years I've come to learn that just because people matter to me, doesn't mean that I mean shit to other people. Holidays have been the biggest proof of this in my life for me. I don't have any parents, and the ones I tried to "adopt" have made it very clear over the years that I don't mean enough to them to show they care. I don't talk to 2 of my 3 siblings, well because honestly the 2 are not good people. As you grow, you learn that just because someone is related to you, doesn't mean they are worth damaging your heart and soul for. I grew up without extended family, and grandparents. As you may imagine, this all makes for a bit of a broken person on the inside.
What I mean to say is, I don't really FIT anywhere. I have my mister, and the amount of grateful I am to have him can't be measured. I have my baby sister, who makes me smile every time I see her. I also have a very small circle of close friends, but even they seem far away lately. Don't get me wrong, I know I am not most peoples cup of tea. I'm loud, opinionated, picky, outspoken, bitchy, and pretty much swear like a drunk sailor. I left my first husband because I was very unhappy, not because he beat me or cheated on me. He's a great guys for the most part, he just never really cared about me. Oh he loved me, but he didn't know me, or want to make me happy.
My everyday life consists of my 4, soon to be 5, children, my mister, our two dogs, and our grumpy old kitty. My children are healthy, mostly happy, and the most important thing in my life. They bring me to tears, good and bad, more than they will ever know. My entire world revolves around them and
It always will. I've built my life around being the best mother and partner I can be, and I am pretty proud of where I stand. We raise our children in a "village" and most days it's hard as hell, but worth it for my kids. For a long time I thought I meant something to my other parenting half in the village, but I think it's more out of necessity for them than love. With time, I'm learning to live with that, even though it's not what the village meant to me. To me it was "our" family. Honestly, it was the only family I had outside my children and my mister.
My point is....life is never what you think it is. I'm sad, I'm orphaned, and I'm broken. Having no kind of extended family around me always makes me sad at the holidays. I always cry threw making stuffing on Thanksgiving. Mother's Day and Fathers Day always remind me I'm alone. Birthdays remind me who doesn't really care. It's a vicious cycle that causes me to have a hard Love/hate relationship with the holidays I've always loved so much. I've always wanted to have those parents that loved and supported me. Those parents who were so spoiling and loving to my children. The parents that wanted to spend time with you and didn't consider you an inconvenience. Brothers and sisters that wanted to be around me and my kids.
Ironically in life, you don't get what you want. You get what you need, and a sprinkle of what you hope for. I love everyday trying to remind myself that I am a very lucky woman, with children and a mister that love me very very much. Our sweet newest member of our family will be here in two weeks, and I'm going to continue to raise my children with all the love, support, pride, and understanding that I can. I just have to remind myself that's all I need.
The Mrs Mommy
