Pride

In case you didn't know, I am a very proud person. I take pride in my family, my friends and especially myself.

But lately all that I can think about is how much pride I have in her. She is so much more than anyone even gave her the option to be. So much more than they said she could or would be. She is bright, talented, smart and beautiful. He maturity and kindness make me smile just thinking about it.

You see I know I am a big part of who she is. I have done everything in my power to nurture her, love her and be there for her since the day she was born. I know that she is not suppose to be my child, but she is. She is so much more my child than she should ever have been, but I would not change our relationship for anything in the world.

I love her and expect so much from her. I want her to be the best she can at everything she does. I worry for her and I do everything I can to care for her. She is mine and she always will be. I may not have given birth to her, but I have cared for her since the day she came home from the hospital.

She is a huge part of who I am and I could not be any more proud of that.

To the woman who should have loved me

To say I am disappointed in who you are would only be the tip of the iceburg.

To say that I think your selfish and downright mean would be turning it all in to something small.

This is not a small thing.

Growing up I always knew our family was different. I never thought it was wrong, but I knew it was not normal. My best friend had some interesting family dynamics, but I always, always felt loved when I was there. It never felt like love in our house. It felt like tension and evil. So thick that you could slice the air. Someone was always fighting or yelling. Someone was always doing something you didn't like. Its was always about you.

You would go from being so calm to blowing straight fire from your pores. It was draining just to be in our home. Nobody should have to feel like that. Willing and wanting to be anywhere, anywhere but their home. Feeling like you had to earn your attention and love. Love that I didnt know as a child, was never even there to begin with. We were property, slaves or even leverage. Never just your children.

Now I am a mother. I am who you should have been, but never were. I love my children unconditionally. I love them wholeheartily with everything I have. They are my life, they are all I will ever need or want. They will never be my excuse for being unhappy with myself or my reason to blame things on. No matter what they do in life I will love them and be proud of who they are inside and out. I may not agree with who they are, but that will never make me love them any less or treat them unkind.

I will show them what beauty is and how to respect themselves. How to hold their heads high and know that beauty is truly shown from the inside out. I will never make them believe they are not good enough or a burden on me. I will never show them that its okay to hurt others to get what I want. I will be everything you never were.

I will never be you.

A day in the life with a crazy lady

Its Friday and for the first time this week I don't have anything I "have" to do.

With that said, I love being busy. I love having so much to do that the day flies by and leaves my head spinning. I am pretty sure this comes from being so "stationed" in my childhood.

Don't get me wrong, we did things..But it was always the things she HAD to do. Paying bills and running into the store. Not that she ever did the running, thats what her children were for. It was our *job* to take care of her and make her life easier. Rarely was there a time we did something child friendly or just has a good time. It was more like we had to be there in everything to keep her company, keep her from being alone.

I think that because of the way I was raised I have the need to "go and see" all the time. To just think about it and do it. No need to plan it or find a reason to do it. I was so sheltered and kept from the world when I was young. I think its way more harmful to a child than she ever thought it would be. There was always a reason that I couldn't go or see.

You see, I get way more enjoyment out of running everyday errands than I will ever get out of watching a favorite tv show or just relaxing on the couch. I don't care for either of those things, I find them to just be wasting my life and time. Of course this drives my husband crazy, he is a sitter by nature.

I want my children to have the whole world at their fingertips. To "go and see". I want them to meet people and enjoy just playing outside and get excited to do those things they are interested in.

I want them to be *Children*

That seems like such a simple thing compared to how I grew up. But I don't think I would change my childhood in that department much, because if I did I am not sure I would be so *GO TEAM* on the "be a kid" front. And you know what? I think that is just the way it should be.

Day 1

Its been 9 days since my life changed.

Its been such an eye opening experience for me. So many things that I just let be because I thought I could do nothing about them. Things I labeled as being "Just the way it is". Oh how wrong I was. Oh how much I didn't know, but I was not surprised. I knew better and I am so disappointed in myself for just standing by and doing nothing.

I know this process we are going through is nessecary. I know its whats fair. I don't FEEL like its right though. To question what you see and what you know is so hard for me. So I will be supportive. I will be strong and I will be right where I should be.

I started with 4. 3 left, and 3 came in. The end result is the same, but the equation is different. This will take some getting used to for everyone.

I am here for you honey. I will ALWAYS be here.

Forgiveness

I have always forgiven easy. I don't like to be mad, I hate the way you feel and how you behave when you are. Or I guess I should say when I am.

When I fight with the hubs it rarely last more than 20 minutes. I don't like the uncomfortable air in the house when we do. We haven't always been this way, but I like to believe that as we have gotten older we have grown to be smarter and stronger.

Long story, short? Since I had Cree I have become a forgiven machine. Ask for it and you will get it. I am done bein mad peeps. I don't want to hold on to anger the way my family does. I don't want to be resentful and cold. I WILL NOT BE.

4 people down and 1 of them doesn't even know it yet cause he won't talk to me. Sad, but true. I wish he was in my life, but in my heart of hearts I really don't see it happening. He is not there yet and I don't know if he ever will be. I have tried to talk to him, but he is unresponsive on all attempts.

I miss you Shawn

With all this forgiveness comes such contentment. I feel better in my head and heart in the last two weeks than I have in years. I wouldn't say I am any less nuts, but if you have been readin for a while I am sure you know the story.

So hows about we show some comment love to the forgiver in the house??

Birthdays...

Am I the only person that thinks birthdays are special no matter how old you are? I mean seriously, in todays world shouldn't we make sure to celebrate the fact that we have survived yet another year?

My dad is such an amazing guy. He has a huge heart and a hard life. He deserves his day. I am going to make it special even if it kills me...

Right now I have jumbo carrot cake cupcakes cooling on the counter. I am going to slather them in cream cheese frosting and take them up to my dad at work. Dinner was planned for tonight, but plans have changed. I will take him a homemade dinner to go, cupcakes and a very good present. I will sing him happy birthday and even if for only a minute, I will make him feel special..

Because birthdays are special.

Faith, Family and Friends...

I am so sure that all the dear internets have thought I died...Well you know all 4 or 5 of you that is. However, I have just been enjoying my life. I am so completely happy and content at this moment. Cree is growing like a weed, weighing in around 16lbs already! He will be three months old tomorrow and it is completely killing me that I know I will never have another newborn baby to take care of. I am pretty sure I could have a million babies, but lord knows I can't handle anymore kids.

Today we got the kids pictures taken. I absolutely adore Sears Portrait studio...They ROCK! The photographers are amazing and the shots turned out absolutely amazing. I may be a little bias, but I am pretty sure I have the most B-E-A-UTIFUL children ever. They are each so amazing in their own way. Rainee is smart and loving, Rylee is full of spirit and fun, and Cree is so calm and cuddly. I just can't imagine my life any other way.

Did I mention that I have the most loving and caring husband ever? Oh I didn't tell you about the hot stud that I am married to? Oh yeah baby! Yesterday I shaved his head and this will be the haircut keeper from here on out. The hubs looks different, and we all know how I feel about hair so this will take some definately getting used to for me. We are not talking about a completely bald look, but the trimmer doesn't go any shorter! Now if I could just get him to grow a beard I could probably technically be sleeping with a new man everynight.

Oh and did I tell you I have me some super great friends? Oh yes...There is La, Crys, Deb and Shi...Names edited to keep those in hiding that don't want other people to know they are putting up with me on a regular basis. I am a tweeting facebookin fool and I love it! I have decided that life is what I make of it and I want it to be awesome.

Now about the faith...This is still a work in progress, but I am pretty sure I am headed in the right direction. I feel good about where I am going and where I have been. Will provide more EXCITING info on this topic soon...Cause I am sure you are all dying to know WTF is going on in my crazy head about now.....