About a year ago I *lost* my BFF. She was a great listener, always on my side and incredibly understanding. She always knew what to say because, well because she knew me INSIDE AND OUT. The kind of knowing that comes from growing up together and being by each others side for 15+ years. Since this loss I feel lost. I am so insecure in my friendships is unbarable. Its like I was broken so bad I don't feel like anyone will ever want a true one on one friendship with me. Sure I have friends, but not a GOOD BFF.
I know I was spoiled. I was told daily that those kinds of friendships don't exsist and hell it sure seems like people were right since that friendship blew straight apart the day her husband tried to ruin my marriage with *INFO* that he said she gave him. Information that he went to my husband with and caused incredible hurt and sorrow for no reason. Some of it true, most of it completely wrong and hurtful. All I can say is WOW, that was so not what I thought it was.
I have not talked to her for even one second since that day. Not a word. She still lives in the same house, we still live in the same house. I don't know anything about her life and she knows nothing of mine, well I don't think she does. Some days all I can do is think about her and how our friendship was. I want to pout and scream. I want to understand the "why".
Some days I come close to talking myself into calling her or stopping by her house to just start over, to pretend nothing happened or that it was all just one big mistake. Then I get incredibly angry at myself. How could I think for even on minute that is okay? That it can be forgiven?
The hard days in my life are the worst. I mean don't get me wrong, I am one lucky woman. I have a WONDERFUL husband, 3 healthy/happy children and all the things I truly need in life. For 95% of the time I am incredibly happy with my life and feel so blessed, but oh god that 5% kicks my ass. Its like being thrown down a hill that I just keep rolling down. I know I have a need.
I need someone to understand. I need someone to *get me*. To love me inside and out because they can't live without me. Now I know what you are thinking, I have the wonderful hubs. This is true, but oh how he doesn't get the shit flying around in my head. Its to much for him and I totally understand that. Fuck, its to much for me most days. I don't talk to him about it because I already know what he will say and its not what I need.
He will tell me to get over it. Because to him its just that plain and simple. Have a problem, deal with it. Fix it and move on. He takes everything with a grain of salt and I really wish I had that quality. For me its not that simple. I need more and I can't for the life of me figure out where to get it. I was lucky before and it fell in my lap during 3 grade. I know I won't get that gift again.
So what now?
3 comments:
Well Rachel ya know friendships like that are hard to find. I mean I don't think you ever have that one perfect friend. I was really close to someone so close that we all called her "aunt Karlene" She was a friend of my moms for a long time and as I got older we also became really good friends. I went to her with EVERYTHING. I don't think there was much she didn't know. Then I was dating this guy and we broke up - I was so heart broken and someone told him some crap about me and 95% of it was untrue. I was so upset... I called her and told her what was going on and she told me to just "wait and the truth and who did it will come out" come to find out it was her and some other guy she talked to! That hurt more then anything and I cut her out of my life totally.
Like 2 years later I decided that I needed to forgive her. I know she hurt me and I don't know why she did it. I tried to get in touch with her but didn't get a lot of response back then she got really sick. She was on life support and ended up dying. We never got to make up- I waited to long and held on to something that really should have been let go of.
No one is perfect, Who knows why our friends did this to us... But if it was the first time you should probably give her a second chance.
You will know in your heart of hearts wether or not she deserves a second chance and if you will be able to truly trust her again. I DO KNOW HOW YOU ARE FEELING ABOUT ALL THIS. However, I don't have any words to offer to make it easier. I do however have a shoulder if you need one to cry on. XOXO
Hey Hun! K, I'm a bad friend and hadn't had the chance to read your blog for a LONG time. Let me tell ya, this one made my heart hurt for you.
I can't believe a "true friend" would ever do something like this. But I also believe as we grow and change, so do our friendships. You change, friends change. Priorites and lives change. Some people just don't value things as much as they did when they were younger. But as an adult, the friendships you make fill different parts of your life. One is a good listener, one is your shopping friend, one is your mommy friend, ones your gym friend...etc. What I'm trying to say, is that when someone hurts you the way your "former BFF" did, you have to let go of the hurt and focus on you and what you do have.
Holding on to the hurt, only continues to "hurt" you. Look to the friends and relationships you have now and see how each one of those fills a need in your life. I love ya and know that even though I am in another state, I am always here!!! ♥ HUGS!! ♥
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