Holiday shit show...

I know what your thinking...What the hell does that title mean?

Well I will tell you, and in extreme detail.

Growing up, holidays were huge. All of them. We decorated, we celebrated, and just plain enjoyed the shit out of them. I've always loved getting and giving presents, making special meals, and making those around me feel special and loved. For years I went out of my way to make everyone around me feel magical on the holidays, be it Christmas, or the 4th of July. Mother's Day, Father's Day, you name it, I did it up big!

However, over the years I've come to learn that just because people matter to me, doesn't mean that I mean shit to other people. Holidays have been the biggest proof of this in my life for me. I don't have any parents, and the ones I tried to "adopt" have made it very clear over the years that I don't mean enough to them to show they care. I don't talk to 2 of my 3 siblings, well because honestly the 2 are not good people. As you grow, you learn that just because someone is related to you, doesn't mean they are worth damaging your heart and soul for. I grew up without extended family, and grandparents. As you may imagine, this all makes for a bit of a broken person on the inside.

What I mean to say is, I don't really FIT anywhere. I have my mister, and the amount of grateful I am to have him can't be measured. I have my baby sister, who makes me smile every time I see her. I also have a very small circle of close friends, but even they seem far away lately. Don't get me wrong, I know I am not most peoples cup of tea. I'm loud, opinionated, picky, outspoken, bitchy, and pretty much swear like a drunk sailor. I left my first husband because I was very unhappy, not because he beat me or cheated on me. He's a great guys for the most part, he just never really cared about me. Oh he loved me, but he didn't know me, or want to make me happy.

My everyday life consists of my 4, soon to be 5, children, my mister, our two dogs, and our grumpy old kitty. My children are healthy, mostly happy, and the most important thing in my life. They bring me to tears, good and bad, more than they will ever know. My entire world revolves around them and
It always will. I've built my life around being the best mother and partner I can be, and I am pretty proud of where I stand. We raise our children in a "village" and most days it's hard as hell, but worth it for my kids. For a long time I thought I meant something to my other parenting half in the village, but I think it's more out of necessity for them than love. With time, I'm learning to live with that, even though it's not what the village meant to me. To me it was "our" family. Honestly, it was the only family I had outside my children and my mister.

My point is....life is never what you think it is. I'm sad, I'm orphaned, and I'm broken. Having no kind of extended family around me always makes me sad at the holidays. I always cry threw making stuffing on Thanksgiving. Mother's Day and Fathers Day always remind me I'm alone. Birthdays remind me who doesn't really care. It's a vicious cycle that causes me to have a hard Love/hate relationship with the holidays I've always loved so much. I've always wanted to have those parents that loved and supported me. Those parents who were so spoiling and loving to my children. The parents that wanted to spend time with you and didn't consider you an inconvenience. Brothers and sisters that wanted to be around me and my kids.

Ironically in life, you don't get what you want. You get what you need, and a sprinkle of what you hope for. I love everyday trying to remind myself that I am a very lucky woman, with children and a mister that love me very very much. Our sweet newest member of our family will be here in two weeks, and I'm going to continue to raise my children with all the love, support, pride, and understanding that I can. I just have to remind myself that's all I need.

The Mrs Mommy

Friendship

Long time, no post much?

It's funny how I need to blog when something dramatic happens in my life. I tend to need somewhere to put the words rolling around in my mind. So here I sit, drinking a slurpee, and smoking a cigarette.

My world is made up of many relationships. Most of them seem to be friendships as I have very little family, not including my village. With that said, I hold those people in my friendships very close to me. So close that when something happens to one of my friendships, it tends to rip off several layers of my heart.

Today I feel both broken and bruised. Someone extremely close to me decided I wasn't a friend they wanted to have anymore. Out of nowhere they stopped returning my calls and texts. So suddenly that I thought this person was hurt somewhere. I went looking for them, calling several times and tracking down their family, all to be slapped with a text saying "leave me alone, I don't want to be your friend anymore".

Honestly, that shit stung. It hurt deep. What have I done to deserve this I asked?  No answer has been given. Until my mister asked that is, then it all came out. I'm mean. That's the bold point answer. I am mean. Umm, can't everyone be mean? Don't get me wrong, if you attempt to hurt or harm those I love you will suffer, and suffer good.

What happened next you ask? What does one do when they are told their dearest friend wants nothing to do with them because they are "mean"? Well this chick started asking anyone who would answer the golden question. Am I mean? Do I treat people bad? Have I been mean to you? And you know what happened? Not one person close to me agreed with her. They told me this was all her, and not on me. It took a few days of doubt to pull my head out of my ass, but I did emerge.

And you know what, I'm happier now with who I am then I ever have been. I know who I am, and what I want. I'm kind, loving, giving, and just down right awesome. So take that old friend. You can't steal my shine.

The Mrs Mommy

Its a love thing

If I have learned anything in the last two years of my life, I have learned that the only way to truly be happy in life is that you have to live with love.

Love yourself, love others and everything in between.

Learn from your mistakes, and from others. Don't hold onto things and definitely don't let others lack of love and logic damage you. I spent the first 28 years of my life letting myself be damaged by someones lack of love and caring.  I internalized it and made unspeakable excuses for it, but in all honesty I am the one that enabled the relationships for so long.  I didn't love myself, so why should it matter if someone else truly loved me?  It never ceases to amaze me what we as people will put our selves through in the "name of love",  "because they love me", or "because I love them".

Be it staying in a marriage, in a friendship, or in a family relationship, you will never be happy until you learn how important love and caring is in a relationship. Not just saying or hearing "I love you", but living with love. If you are not treated with respect, and your feelings are not cared for, you are not being treated with love. If you are not providing the same of your "partner" in the relationship, well them you are not living with love.

My point is, it took me a long time to figure out that I wasn't living with love in my life and you can bet your ass that I will not let that important detail fall from my life. No matter what pain and obstacles come my way, I can still choose to live with love. I can choose to rise above the hurt, and heal while I move forward.

After all, life is about the dance. I could have missed the pain, but I would've had to miss the dance.

Doubt

Sometimes I come here and I have no idea what to write,

Other times I have so much to say, and absolutely no time to write it down.

Then there is times like tonight, where I have a million things running through my head, and all the time I could want to get it all "down on paper" so to speak.

At any given moment in my head its like a very spunky hamster is running on a wheel after an extremely shinny object. The worst part of being me is easily living in my head. Second, would be having my heart to carry around. Lets not even get into how easily I am controlled by my emotions, and just work with how many times this big heart has been cracked into pieces.

I couldn't even begin to count how often someone tells me how strong they think I am.  Truth is, I am not really that strong at all by my own standards.  Being strong to me means that you can handle anything with your head held high. Honestly, each time I break I come back together with more pieces of me numb then before. I am sure that under a hi-tech x-ray my heart is fused in places like a quilt.  When I fall down, I fall all the way down. There is no doing anything half ass with this chick. Face down in the mud, eyes full of tears, and feet out from under me.

My point is, I have fallen more times in the last 5 years than I would like to admit.  Now, I am not talking about having a bad day and throwing your big girl panties back on after a good cry. No, I am talking about the world as you know it falling apart around you. I have moved 9 times in that 5 years and have changed by leaps and bounds. I am no where NEAR the girl I was November 2009. By the end of 2010 I was starting over and scared of doing everything wrong.

Flash forward 5 years and you will see a woman who may not be as strong as she would like, but she will not back down without a fight, She stands up for what she believes in, and has passion running through her veins with every breath she takes. She is raising strong and beautiful children, who know who they are.  She has faith in who she is, and what she can do in this world. She lets her heart lead her and her head guide her.

And you can bet your sweet ass I won't let myself down. I got this, and no one can make me feel or think any differently.

TheMrsMommy

As the wind blows

Its been a year.

Actually, its been one year and 5 days.

That was the day my entire world shattered. It broke like glass, something along the lines of that scene in the ballroom in Labyrinth. Just that morning I was listening to 90's country songs telling myself how lucky I was. Good job, loving and supporting husband, healthy kids, and a home that I loved. And then, just like that, it completely fell apart like it was only a dream to begin with.

The following weeks were a complete blur. Moving, selling things, crying til I couldn't breathe. I remember telling myself, you can do this, you can beat this. Then the next minute I was on the floor in a ball crying, saying I couldn't do it, couldn't handle the pain, the loss, and the hopelessness. I was broken, completely broken. I started functioning like a zombie, completely on autopilot.

I owe my survival to two people. Two people that hugged me, told me they loved me, and made sure I didn't jump off any cliffs during "The Great Devastation of 2013". My Sister Mamma and my Baby Daddy. I didn't leave their home for a month. I wasn't brave enough, wasn't strong enough. They covered me with blankets, dried my tears, and told me everything would be okay one day. I specifically remember one night, as I laid on the couch crying myself to the most amazing golf ball sized eyes I would every see, my Baby Daddy walking out of the room and turning off the light, then he says, "I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but it will be okay". It probably didn't mean a thing to him when he said it, but my respect for him had me grabbing those words for dear life.

I needed to believe in something. I needed to have something to have faith in. And if you know me, god isn't on that list. I took me months to return to my normal happy and fun loving self. Even when I did finally return to myself, it wasn't the woman I had been before. The confident woman with a smile on her face. No, it was a very humbled and grounded woman. A woman who will never ever take anything for granted every again. Who will never look at her life and say this isn't good enough or this isn't what I want. No, I will be grateful for every damn thing that ever sets its foot in my path. For every person that brings joy and love into my life. I will give more to others than I ever expect to receive and I will love unconditionally and strong.

Because even though I was broken, it doesn't mean I was defeated. That was only a battle in the war of life. And I can bring all the strength and determination to this life that I choose to.

-The Mrs Mommy

Over the hill she goes....

Where did the last 3 years of my life go?

So much has changed, yet I feel so eerily the same. I don't feel like I look any different in the mirror, or that I am any older. My body is still the same, but it sure is slowing down.

This time three years ago I was going through the most overwhelming internal struggle I could ever imagine. I just felt like everything was so wrong, that I was not where I belonged. I tried to do what other moms I knew did, wrap myself up in my kids. But, that only made me feel worse. Made me feel more like I had lost me and was losing control of everything. There was medication and therapy, anything I could do to "feel" better.

Looking from the outside you would think I had it all. I didn't have to work, my husband didn't beat me or cheat on me, my kids were healthy and mostly happy. Some people knew what I was going through, but not many. No one know the depth of it. How dark and deep it was. How unhappy and lost I felt. Nobody would understand, nobody did. They all wanted me to get over it, to act nothing was wrong. Oh how I tried, tried so hard. So much was going on, I tried so hard to tell him that I needed him, that I wasn't happy and I wanted more. I felt like all the "hims" in my life had let me down.

My husband, my brother and my dad. I had lost all the men that I thought cared about me. No support, no friendship, no love. I felt like my mother was right. She had to be right. Men always let you down. I wanted her to be wrong so much.  I hated her way to much for her to be right about anything, but they were all proving her right. How could none of them not care about me? None of them spent any time with me? No matter how much I asked for the time and attention. I was just to much for them.  They all had their reasons, their own problems and struggles to deal with. It wasn't til a year later that I realized that you can't make someone fill something in you, you have to fill your own voids and take care of your own emotions.

Flash forward three years and things look pretty much the same. I still have a brother, that has no desire to actually be a brother, the only dad I ever had as a kid went back on every word he ever told me and I haven't seen him for years. I can't blame him to much, she brainwashed me for years too. Then there's that husband. Oh, he's still around and he's as frustrating as ever. But these days his role has changed, he's the father to my beautiful children and I couldn't imagine a day without him in my life. For some reason, he just never could give me the love and affection that I needed from him. He can give it to our children though, and I am thankfully daily that he does.

And the silver lining is coated in irony.......

That husband I had, well he's damn close to a brother to me. I love him and want to punch him at the same damn time. He's my family and his family is my family. I have a mom and a dad and I couldn't imagine my life without them. They give me more guidance and love than I ever imagined or felt I deserved. I have my two little boys, and their spirits amaze me everyday. I know I was meant to be there Momma. That brings me to "him". I never imagined that I could be loved without rules, without boundaries or limits. Being his wife can be such a struggle, but I know its once I was meant to go throw. He teaches me things about myself daily and makes me smile more than I ever remember doing before. He has pride in simply being my husband and honestly, that makes me feel like i'm worth a million dollars.  And that my friends, that is a first for me.

So to all the important people in my life, you know who you are....I love you without limits, without boundaries and without any rules. Thank you for giving me the life I never knew I needed.

Oh the agony...

It feels like I am in a job twilight zone. It's like a never ending loop of applications, with an occasional interview here or there.

The general conciseness is that I have an amazing resume and wonderful work history. And then, I don't get the job. How in gods name is this possible? Is it because they keep asking me how much money I made at my last position? Even though I tell them I am not looking to make anywhere near that. I know I was paid well, and I know I haven't worked in a year.

But seriously? This is Utah, home of the stay at home mother. So what if I took a year off from working, does that make me any less of a qualified applicant? Does it decrease my knowledge and experience? No!! I am an extremely hard worker and a very quick learner! I am only looking for enough income to justify putting my children in childcare. I mean honestly, if I am really only working to pay for childcare, is there a point in working AT ALL?

I have applied for every single job that I am qualified for. I have been hired on to several staffing agencies. All of who tell me that I am an amazing catch for any company and that I shouldn't work for anything less than  THIS certain amount. And then, they have no work for me in the that set amount area. SERIOUSLY??? I feel like I am in the job black hole and I can't get out.

Somebody, anybody.....PULL ME OUT!