Over the hill she goes....

Where did the last 3 years of my life go?

So much has changed, yet I feel so eerily the same. I don't feel like I look any different in the mirror, or that I am any older. My body is still the same, but it sure is slowing down.

This time three years ago I was going through the most overwhelming internal struggle I could ever imagine. I just felt like everything was so wrong, that I was not where I belonged. I tried to do what other moms I knew did, wrap myself up in my kids. But, that only made me feel worse. Made me feel more like I had lost me and was losing control of everything. There was medication and therapy, anything I could do to "feel" better.

Looking from the outside you would think I had it all. I didn't have to work, my husband didn't beat me or cheat on me, my kids were healthy and mostly happy. Some people knew what I was going through, but not many. No one know the depth of it. How dark and deep it was. How unhappy and lost I felt. Nobody would understand, nobody did. They all wanted me to get over it, to act nothing was wrong. Oh how I tried, tried so hard. So much was going on, I tried so hard to tell him that I needed him, that I wasn't happy and I wanted more. I felt like all the "hims" in my life had let me down.

My husband, my brother and my dad. I had lost all the men that I thought cared about me. No support, no friendship, no love. I felt like my mother was right. She had to be right. Men always let you down. I wanted her to be wrong so much.  I hated her way to much for her to be right about anything, but they were all proving her right. How could none of them not care about me? None of them spent any time with me? No matter how much I asked for the time and attention. I was just to much for them.  They all had their reasons, their own problems and struggles to deal with. It wasn't til a year later that I realized that you can't make someone fill something in you, you have to fill your own voids and take care of your own emotions.

Flash forward three years and things look pretty much the same. I still have a brother, that has no desire to actually be a brother, the only dad I ever had as a kid went back on every word he ever told me and I haven't seen him for years. I can't blame him to much, she brainwashed me for years too. Then there's that husband. Oh, he's still around and he's as frustrating as ever. But these days his role has changed, he's the father to my beautiful children and I couldn't imagine a day without him in my life. For some reason, he just never could give me the love and affection that I needed from him. He can give it to our children though, and I am thankfully daily that he does.

And the silver lining is coated in irony.......

That husband I had, well he's damn close to a brother to me. I love him and want to punch him at the same damn time. He's my family and his family is my family. I have a mom and a dad and I couldn't imagine my life without them. They give me more guidance and love than I ever imagined or felt I deserved. I have my two little boys, and their spirits amaze me everyday. I know I was meant to be there Momma. That brings me to "him". I never imagined that I could be loved without rules, without boundaries or limits. Being his wife can be such a struggle, but I know its once I was meant to go throw. He teaches me things about myself daily and makes me smile more than I ever remember doing before. He has pride in simply being my husband and honestly, that makes me feel like i'm worth a million dollars.  And that my friends, that is a first for me.

So to all the important people in my life, you know who you are....I love you without limits, without boundaries and without any rules. Thank you for giving me the life I never knew I needed.

Oh the agony...

It feels like I am in a job twilight zone. It's like a never ending loop of applications, with an occasional interview here or there.

The general conciseness is that I have an amazing resume and wonderful work history. And then, I don't get the job. How in gods name is this possible? Is it because they keep asking me how much money I made at my last position? Even though I tell them I am not looking to make anywhere near that. I know I was paid well, and I know I haven't worked in a year.

But seriously? This is Utah, home of the stay at home mother. So what if I took a year off from working, does that make me any less of a qualified applicant? Does it decrease my knowledge and experience? No!! I am an extremely hard worker and a very quick learner! I am only looking for enough income to justify putting my children in childcare. I mean honestly, if I am really only working to pay for childcare, is there a point in working AT ALL?

I have applied for every single job that I am qualified for. I have been hired on to several staffing agencies. All of who tell me that I am an amazing catch for any company and that I shouldn't work for anything less than  THIS certain amount. And then, they have no work for me in the that set amount area. SERIOUSLY??? I feel like I am in the job black hole and I can't get out.

Somebody, anybody.....PULL ME OUT!

Simplify

When your a child, you spend so much time waiting to grow up.  When your an adult, you spend all your time wishing you were a kid again.

Isn't it funny how much assuming we do in life? How much time we spend wanting something we really know nothing about? You know, it's that whole...the grass is always greener on the other side thing.  We think if we have money, we will have no bill problems. That if we have love, we can conquer anything. Well I am here to tell you that money causes problems and that love will only get you so far. What we really need in life is a nice balance of everything. We need love to sustain our hearts and money to keep us safe. To much of either tends to make your picture a little blurry, if you ask me anyway.

Why does it take us so much time, so much of our precious lives, to realize that we have to simply the way we look at things in order to feel at peace? Why must we fall straight on our face and lose everything before we understand that we were doing it wrong to begin with? I believe it is simply that we always think we need more, need to have better. And what does more get us?

It took me a long, very long time, to get where I am today. To look at things the way that I do and to know the things that I do. However, I still can't seem to keep my positive thoughts above my negative thoughts.  I am an extremely open minded person, I know this world is gray. I know that nothing is one side or the other. That things are never as they seem and nothing works out as we expect it to. 

So, I have decided to "Simplify"

I have decided to slow down, to look deeper and follow my instincts. To let go of all the complicated things around me. To let go of the people I try so hard to keep in my life and to give my attention to those that are trying to have me in theirs. To be the best mother and wife I can be, and let my life lead me as it should.  Laugh more than I cry, cuddle more than I think.  We are making breakfast more than we are eating cereal and enjoying more baked goodies than cheese sticks and yogurt. I walked away from Facebook and into conversations with the people IN my life.

And you know what.....I FEEL BETTER

I no longer feel like something is missing. That someone is ignoring me or doesn't want me around anymore. I no longer feel like the people close to me are just coming and going. I feel like cuddling up to my husband on the couch way more than I used to.  Like baking cookies, just to see the smiles on my children's faces. And I'll be damned if I don't feel lucky as hell.

Now....If only we could pay the bills. 

Told ya.

The reasons

I remember the day just like it was yesterday.

She taunted me, she pushed me and pushed me until I snapped. I walked out that door at 17 years old and except for a short stint back at 18, so that I could see my sisters, I never really went back. Sure, when I went back for that stint she did let me have my clothes and eventually she did give me my dresser, but nothing else. I didn't get to keep those things that were mine.

Everything I own I have acquired on my own. Yes, some have been presents and some have been given to me from friends that didn't need them anymore. But, the point is, they are MY things. With that said, I know the way I am about my possessions can be very hard for those around me. I don't like to share the things I have. Granted, if I no longer want or need something I give it away to someone else that needs it. Do you know why? Because I have been there. I have had absolutely nothing. I have been without food, without a home and without clothes to wear. I have been taken advantage of and I have been made to feel like I am less without things.

So yes, this may be why I don't like to share things that I have. Why I don't like people in my stuff.  I wish it didn't bother me so much, but isn't a person entitled to their own things? Things that they don't have to share?  This is what I teach my children, I tell that they are entitled to have things that we can put away for later if they don't want to share them. That they are entitled to have things that their siblings can't play with. Why is this any different for adults? Why are we made to feel like we are unkind or selfish because we don't like people getting into our things?

I think it is healthy for us each to have our own time, our own things and our own space when needed. I believe the problem lies in the fact that I am much more in tune with my thoughts then most people. That I don't just look at something and do it. I think things through constantly. So when I tell someone that I want or need something a certain way, it is because I very much so WANT it that way. I want that way because I have processed this information a MILLION times and I NEED it that way.

Happy Birthday to my beautiful daughter Rylee!

I can't believe it's been 6 years since that chubby little girl came out screaming. It was easily one of the hardest days of my life, followed by the longest weeks of my life. Who knew a baby weighing 8 lbs 14 oz would not be able to breath at all. I can honestly tell you that is the day that I looked at modern medicine and technology in a whole new way.

Once she learned to breath, they realized she had a heart condition. And naturally, like all things with Miss Rylee, no "normal" medicine for children would get it under control. No, this little girl was on ADULT medicine. I have never walked around with so much fear in my life.  The first year of your life was filled with nothing, but love, doctors and meds.

But you know what? She kicked that breathing thing, then she kicked that heart thing. Today she is one hell of a little girl. She is stubborn, independent, full of fire, and love. She is extremely smart and knows exactly what she wants in everything. Except choices,(wonder where she got that) do not ask her to pick between two things. She loves to look her best and goes out of her way to look "pretty".

I love you baby girl. More than you know and I can't wait to see the person you become. Even if I am a little scared. :)

All my love,

Your mommy

All in my head

If I could video tape the workings of my mind at any given moment I am more than positive that it would look like a NASCAR race in the final lap. Every know and then the film would show major crashes or even cars out of service. My racing thoughts can consume me at any moment or for days at a time. Sure there is medication, but it only dulls the effects of the cycle.

I have been in my head for days. It feels like I have been consumed with thoughts, processes and feelings for years. I loose track of time and my place in a story. I start talking to someone about something out loud and suddenly I have branched off into something that has little to do with the point I am trying to make or whatever I am trying to explain. For most of the people in my life, this can be a very frustrating part of having a conversation with me.

The only way to slow the never ending race down is to empty the contents of my mind as much as possible. It takes adult conversation where I can just get it all out. However, I have to talk to a person who can listen, comment only when necessary and not ask questions. The reason I know this is because in the last 5 years that have suffered from my own mind so severely, I have come by less than a handful of people that could do it. If you have never experienced it, you can not even begin to understand the process and reasoning.

In this conversation I am not looking for your pity, your opinion or for you to FIX anything for me. I can't tell you any WHY's and I can't guarantee that I will even begin to stay on some type of track. What I can tell you is that if you also suffer from the same insanity that haunts my thoughts, then you are perfect.

You see, talking through my thoughts with someone who ACTUALLY experiences it, and lives with it everyday the way I do is so satisfying. Its one of the few times that I haven't felt crazy or ended up completely frustrated with the person I am talking to because they keep trying to tell me that they understand and can't imagine what it is like to have to deal with it. Its never that I think the person doesn't care or that they don't want to listen, its that they can't UNDERSTAND IT. They don't live it. They can't UNDERSTAND ME. Its not their fault, how can you even begin to comprehend something that I myself can't always keep up with and its happening to me?

So, in closing I would like to say a very heartfelt and loving Thank You to the amazing crazy person that has been a shining light in my thoughts lately. I appreciate who you are so much more than you will ever really know. I get you and you get me.

Its a crazy person happiness bubble and it rocks.
 

What's in the words

Recent events have got me thinking, do words really mean anything?

Does telling someone you love them mean anything, if you don't show them that you love them?

Does making a promise matter, if you can't keep it?

Does telling someone you want them in your life, or need them in your life for that matter, mean anything, if you don't at least try to have them in your life?

Now, no one should take this post personal, as I am very much just talking in general. I am trying to find out how people personally look at these things. Not the way that you would defend yourself against someone saying that you are not "showing" them how you feel. I know we all have our reasons for the things that we do, or excuses for that matter.

However, reasons just become excuses for why we don't keep promises or make time for someone and their feelings in the grand scheme of things really. Am I wrong in thinking this way? Now when I ask you that, I am asking you to take yourself (regarding your friendships and loved ones) out of the equation.  I am asking you to look at the situation with common sense and open mindedness in how our actions really truly show who we are.

So, what say you my readers? Do words really mean anything?