Sometimes I come here and I have no idea what to write,
Other times I have so much to say, and absolutely no time to write it down.
Then there is times like tonight, where I have a million things running through my head, and all the time I could want to get it all "down on paper" so to speak.
At any given moment in my head its like a very spunky hamster is running on a wheel after an extremely shinny object. The worst part of being me is easily living in my head. Second, would be having my heart to carry around. Lets not even get into how easily I am controlled by my emotions, and just work with how many times this big heart has been cracked into pieces.
I couldn't even begin to count how often someone tells me how strong they think I am. Truth is, I am not really that strong at all by my own standards. Being strong to me means that you can handle anything with your head held high. Honestly, each time I break I come back together with more pieces of me numb then before. I am sure that under a hi-tech x-ray my heart is fused in places like a quilt. When I fall down, I fall all the way down. There is no doing anything half ass with this chick. Face down in the mud, eyes full of tears, and feet out from under me.
My point is, I have fallen more times in the last 5 years than I would like to admit. Now, I am not talking about having a bad day and throwing your big girl panties back on after a good cry. No, I am talking about the world as you know it falling apart around you. I have moved 9 times in that 5 years and have changed by leaps and bounds. I am no where NEAR the girl I was November 2009. By the end of 2010 I was starting over and scared of doing everything wrong.
Flash forward 5 years and you will see a woman who may not be as strong as she would like, but she will not back down without a fight, She stands up for what she believes in, and has passion running through her veins with every breath she takes. She is raising strong and beautiful children, who know who they are. She has faith in who she is, and what she can do in this world. She lets her heart lead her and her head guide her.
And you can bet your sweet ass I won't let myself down. I got this, and no one can make me feel or think any differently.
TheMrsMommy
Wednesday, February 18, 2015
Monday, September 15, 2014
As the wind blows
Its been a year.
Actually, its been one year and 5 days.
That was the day my entire world shattered. It broke like glass, something along the lines of that scene in the ballroom in Labyrinth. Just that morning I was listening to 90's country songs telling myself how lucky I was. Good job, loving and supporting husband, healthy kids, and a home that I loved. And then, just like that, it completely fell apart like it was only a dream to begin with.
The following weeks were a complete blur. Moving, selling things, crying til I couldn't breathe. I remember telling myself, you can do this, you can beat this. Then the next minute I was on the floor in a ball crying, saying I couldn't do it, couldn't handle the pain, the loss, and the hopelessness. I was broken, completely broken. I started functioning like a zombie, completely on autopilot.
I owe my survival to two people. Two people that hugged me, told me they loved me, and made sure I didn't jump off any cliffs during "The Great Devastation of 2013". My Sister Mamma and my Baby Daddy. I didn't leave their home for a month. I wasn't brave enough, wasn't strong enough. They covered me with blankets, dried my tears, and told me everything would be okay one day. I specifically remember one night, as I laid on the couch crying myself to the most amazing golf ball sized eyes I would every see, my Baby Daddy walking out of the room and turning off the light, then he says, "I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but it will be okay". It probably didn't mean a thing to him when he said it, but my respect for him had me grabbing those words for dear life.
I needed to believe in something. I needed to have something to have faith in. And if you know me, god isn't on that list. I took me months to return to my normal happy and fun loving self. Even when I did finally return to myself, it wasn't the woman I had been before. The confident woman with a smile on her face. No, it was a very humbled and grounded woman. A woman who will never ever take anything for granted every again. Who will never look at her life and say this isn't good enough or this isn't what I want. No, I will be grateful for every damn thing that ever sets its foot in my path. For every person that brings joy and love into my life. I will give more to others than I ever expect to receive and I will love unconditionally and strong.
Because even though I was broken, it doesn't mean I was defeated. That was only a battle in the war of life. And I can bring all the strength and determination to this life that I choose to.
-The Mrs Mommy
Actually, its been one year and 5 days.
That was the day my entire world shattered. It broke like glass, something along the lines of that scene in the ballroom in Labyrinth. Just that morning I was listening to 90's country songs telling myself how lucky I was. Good job, loving and supporting husband, healthy kids, and a home that I loved. And then, just like that, it completely fell apart like it was only a dream to begin with.
The following weeks were a complete blur. Moving, selling things, crying til I couldn't breathe. I remember telling myself, you can do this, you can beat this. Then the next minute I was on the floor in a ball crying, saying I couldn't do it, couldn't handle the pain, the loss, and the hopelessness. I was broken, completely broken. I started functioning like a zombie, completely on autopilot.
I owe my survival to two people. Two people that hugged me, told me they loved me, and made sure I didn't jump off any cliffs during "The Great Devastation of 2013". My Sister Mamma and my Baby Daddy. I didn't leave their home for a month. I wasn't brave enough, wasn't strong enough. They covered me with blankets, dried my tears, and told me everything would be okay one day. I specifically remember one night, as I laid on the couch crying myself to the most amazing golf ball sized eyes I would every see, my Baby Daddy walking out of the room and turning off the light, then he says, "I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but it will be okay". It probably didn't mean a thing to him when he said it, but my respect for him had me grabbing those words for dear life.
I needed to believe in something. I needed to have something to have faith in. And if you know me, god isn't on that list. I took me months to return to my normal happy and fun loving self. Even when I did finally return to myself, it wasn't the woman I had been before. The confident woman with a smile on her face. No, it was a very humbled and grounded woman. A woman who will never ever take anything for granted every again. Who will never look at her life and say this isn't good enough or this isn't what I want. No, I will be grateful for every damn thing that ever sets its foot in my path. For every person that brings joy and love into my life. I will give more to others than I ever expect to receive and I will love unconditionally and strong.
Because even though I was broken, it doesn't mean I was defeated. That was only a battle in the war of life. And I can bring all the strength and determination to this life that I choose to.
-The Mrs Mommy
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Over the hill she goes....
Where did the last 3 years of my life go?
So much has changed, yet I feel so eerily the same. I don't feel like I look any different in the mirror, or that I am any older. My body is still the same, but it sure is slowing down.
This time three years ago I was going through the most overwhelming internal struggle I could ever imagine. I just felt like everything was so wrong, that I was not where I belonged. I tried to do what other moms I knew did, wrap myself up in my kids. But, that only made me feel worse. Made me feel more like I had lost me and was losing control of everything. There was medication and therapy, anything I could do to "feel" better.
Looking from the outside you would think I had it all. I didn't have to work, my husband didn't beat me or cheat on me, my kids were healthy and mostly happy. Some people knew what I was going through, but not many. No one know the depth of it. How dark and deep it was. How unhappy and lost I felt. Nobody would understand, nobody did. They all wanted me to get over it, to act nothing was wrong. Oh how I tried, tried so hard. So much was going on, I tried so hard to tell him that I needed him, that I wasn't happy and I wanted more. I felt like all the "hims" in my life had let me down.
My husband, my brother and my dad. I had lost all the men that I thought cared about me. No support, no friendship, no love. I felt like my mother was right. She had to be right. Men always let you down. I wanted her to be wrong so much. I hated her way to much for her to be right about anything, but they were all proving her right. How could none of them not care about me? None of them spent any time with me? No matter how much I asked for the time and attention. I was just to much for them. They all had their reasons, their own problems and struggles to deal with. It wasn't til a year later that I realized that you can't make someone fill something in you, you have to fill your own voids and take care of your own emotions.
Flash forward three years and things look pretty much the same. I still have a brother, that has no desire to actually be a brother, the only dad I ever had as a kid went back on every word he ever told me and I haven't seen him for years. I can't blame him to much, she brainwashed me for years too. Then there's that husband. Oh, he's still around and he's as frustrating as ever. But these days his role has changed, he's the father to my beautiful children and I couldn't imagine a day without him in my life. For some reason, he just never could give me the love and affection that I needed from him. He can give it to our children though, and I am thankfully daily that he does.
And the silver lining is coated in irony.......
That husband I had, well he's damn close to a brother to me. I love him and want to punch him at the same damn time. He's my family and his family is my family. I have a mom and a dad and I couldn't imagine my life without them. They give me more guidance and love than I ever imagined or felt I deserved. I have my two little boys, and their spirits amaze me everyday. I know I was meant to be there Momma. That brings me to "him". I never imagined that I could be loved without rules, without boundaries or limits. Being his wife can be such a struggle, but I know its once I was meant to go throw. He teaches me things about myself daily and makes me smile more than I ever remember doing before. He has pride in simply being my husband and honestly, that makes me feel like i'm worth a million dollars. And that my friends, that is a first for me.
So to all the important people in my life, you know who you are....I love you without limits, without boundaries and without any rules. Thank you for giving me the life I never knew I needed.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Oh the agony...
It feels like I am in a job twilight zone. It's like a never ending loop of applications, with an occasional interview here or there.
The general conciseness is that I have an amazing resume and wonderful work history. And then, I don't get the job. How in gods name is this possible? Is it because they keep asking me how much money I made at my last position? Even though I tell them I am not looking to make anywhere near that. I know I was paid well, and I know I haven't worked in a year.
But seriously? This is Utah, home of the stay at home mother. So what if I took a year off from working, does that make me any less of a qualified applicant? Does it decrease my knowledge and experience? No!! I am an extremely hard worker and a very quick learner! I am only looking for enough income to justify putting my children in childcare. I mean honestly, if I am really only working to pay for childcare, is there a point in working AT ALL?
I have applied for every single job that I am qualified for. I have been hired on to several staffing agencies. All of who tell me that I am an amazing catch for any company and that I shouldn't work for anything less than THIS certain amount. And then, they have no work for me in the that set amount area. SERIOUSLY??? I feel like I am in the job black hole and I can't get out.
Somebody, anybody.....PULL ME OUT!
The general conciseness is that I have an amazing resume and wonderful work history. And then, I don't get the job. How in gods name is this possible? Is it because they keep asking me how much money I made at my last position? Even though I tell them I am not looking to make anywhere near that. I know I was paid well, and I know I haven't worked in a year.
But seriously? This is Utah, home of the stay at home mother. So what if I took a year off from working, does that make me any less of a qualified applicant? Does it decrease my knowledge and experience? No!! I am an extremely hard worker and a very quick learner! I am only looking for enough income to justify putting my children in childcare. I mean honestly, if I am really only working to pay for childcare, is there a point in working AT ALL?
I have applied for every single job that I am qualified for. I have been hired on to several staffing agencies. All of who tell me that I am an amazing catch for any company and that I shouldn't work for anything less than THIS certain amount. And then, they have no work for me in the that set amount area. SERIOUSLY??? I feel like I am in the job black hole and I can't get out.
Somebody, anybody.....PULL ME OUT!
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Simplify
When your a child, you spend so much time waiting to grow up. When your an adult, you spend all your time wishing you were a kid again.
Isn't it funny how much assuming we do in life? How much time we spend wanting something we really know nothing about? You know, it's that whole...the grass is always greener on the other side thing. We think if we have money, we will have no bill problems. That if we have love, we can conquer anything. Well I am here to tell you that money causes problems and that love will only get you so far. What we really need in life is a nice balance of everything. We need love to sustain our hearts and money to keep us safe. To much of either tends to make your picture a little blurry, if you ask me anyway.
Why does it take us so much time, so much of our precious lives, to realize that we have to simply the way we look at things in order to feel at peace? Why must we fall straight on our face and lose everything before we understand that we were doing it wrong to begin with? I believe it is simply that we always think we need more, need to have better. And what does more get us?
It took me a long, very long time, to get where I am today. To look at things the way that I do and to know the things that I do. However, I still can't seem to keep my positive thoughts above my negative thoughts. I am an extremely open minded person, I know this world is gray. I know that nothing is one side or the other. That things are never as they seem and nothing works out as we expect it to.
So, I have decided to "Simplify"
I have decided to slow down, to look deeper and follow my instincts. To let go of all the complicated things around me. To let go of the people I try so hard to keep in my life and to give my attention to those that are trying to have me in theirs. To be the best mother and wife I can be, and let my life lead me as it should. Laugh more than I cry, cuddle more than I think. We are making breakfast more than we are eating cereal and enjoying more baked goodies than cheese sticks and yogurt. I walked away from Facebook and into conversations with the people IN my life.
And you know what.....I FEEL BETTER
I no longer feel like something is missing. That someone is ignoring me or doesn't want me around anymore. I no longer feel like the people close to me are just coming and going. I feel like cuddling up to my husband on the couch way more than I used to. Like baking cookies, just to see the smiles on my children's faces. And I'll be damned if I don't feel lucky as hell.
Now....If only we could pay the bills.
Told ya.
Isn't it funny how much assuming we do in life? How much time we spend wanting something we really know nothing about? You know, it's that whole...the grass is always greener on the other side thing. We think if we have money, we will have no bill problems. That if we have love, we can conquer anything. Well I am here to tell you that money causes problems and that love will only get you so far. What we really need in life is a nice balance of everything. We need love to sustain our hearts and money to keep us safe. To much of either tends to make your picture a little blurry, if you ask me anyway.
Why does it take us so much time, so much of our precious lives, to realize that we have to simply the way we look at things in order to feel at peace? Why must we fall straight on our face and lose everything before we understand that we were doing it wrong to begin with? I believe it is simply that we always think we need more, need to have better. And what does more get us?
It took me a long, very long time, to get where I am today. To look at things the way that I do and to know the things that I do. However, I still can't seem to keep my positive thoughts above my negative thoughts. I am an extremely open minded person, I know this world is gray. I know that nothing is one side or the other. That things are never as they seem and nothing works out as we expect it to.
So, I have decided to "Simplify"
I have decided to slow down, to look deeper and follow my instincts. To let go of all the complicated things around me. To let go of the people I try so hard to keep in my life and to give my attention to those that are trying to have me in theirs. To be the best mother and wife I can be, and let my life lead me as it should. Laugh more than I cry, cuddle more than I think. We are making breakfast more than we are eating cereal and enjoying more baked goodies than cheese sticks and yogurt. I walked away from Facebook and into conversations with the people IN my life.
And you know what.....I FEEL BETTER
I no longer feel like something is missing. That someone is ignoring me or doesn't want me around anymore. I no longer feel like the people close to me are just coming and going. I feel like cuddling up to my husband on the couch way more than I used to. Like baking cookies, just to see the smiles on my children's faces. And I'll be damned if I don't feel lucky as hell.
Now....If only we could pay the bills.
Told ya.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
The reasons
I remember the day just like it was yesterday.
She taunted me, she pushed me and pushed me until I snapped. I walked out that door at 17 years old and except for a short stint back at 18, so that I could see my sisters, I never really went back. Sure, when I went back for that stint she did let me have my clothes and eventually she did give me my dresser, but nothing else. I didn't get to keep those things that were mine.
Everything I own I have acquired on my own. Yes, some have been presents and some have been given to me from friends that didn't need them anymore. But, the point is, they are MY things. With that said, I know the way I am about my possessions can be very hard for those around me. I don't like to share the things I have. Granted, if I no longer want or need something I give it away to someone else that needs it. Do you know why? Because I have been there. I have had absolutely nothing. I have been without food, without a home and without clothes to wear. I have been taken advantage of and I have been made to feel like I am less without things.
So yes, this may be why I don't like to share things that I have. Why I don't like people in my stuff. I wish it didn't bother me so much, but isn't a person entitled to their own things? Things that they don't have to share? This is what I teach my children, I tell that they are entitled to have things that we can put away for later if they don't want to share them. That they are entitled to have things that their siblings can't play with. Why is this any different for adults? Why are we made to feel like we are unkind or selfish because we don't like people getting into our things?
I think it is healthy for us each to have our own time, our own things and our own space when needed. I believe the problem lies in the fact that I am much more in tune with my thoughts then most people. That I don't just look at something and do it. I think things through constantly. So when I tell someone that I want or need something a certain way, it is because I very much so WANT it that way. I want that way because I have processed this information a MILLION times and I NEED it that way.
She taunted me, she pushed me and pushed me until I snapped. I walked out that door at 17 years old and except for a short stint back at 18, so that I could see my sisters, I never really went back. Sure, when I went back for that stint she did let me have my clothes and eventually she did give me my dresser, but nothing else. I didn't get to keep those things that were mine.
Everything I own I have acquired on my own. Yes, some have been presents and some have been given to me from friends that didn't need them anymore. But, the point is, they are MY things. With that said, I know the way I am about my possessions can be very hard for those around me. I don't like to share the things I have. Granted, if I no longer want or need something I give it away to someone else that needs it. Do you know why? Because I have been there. I have had absolutely nothing. I have been without food, without a home and without clothes to wear. I have been taken advantage of and I have been made to feel like I am less without things.
So yes, this may be why I don't like to share things that I have. Why I don't like people in my stuff. I wish it didn't bother me so much, but isn't a person entitled to their own things? Things that they don't have to share? This is what I teach my children, I tell that they are entitled to have things that we can put away for later if they don't want to share them. That they are entitled to have things that their siblings can't play with. Why is this any different for adults? Why are we made to feel like we are unkind or selfish because we don't like people getting into our things?
I think it is healthy for us each to have our own time, our own things and our own space when needed. I believe the problem lies in the fact that I am much more in tune with my thoughts then most people. That I don't just look at something and do it. I think things through constantly. So when I tell someone that I want or need something a certain way, it is because I very much so WANT it that way. I want that way because I have processed this information a MILLION times and I NEED it that way.
Friday, November 9, 2012
Happy Birthday to my beautiful daughter Rylee!
I can't believe it's been 6 years since that chubby little girl came out screaming. It was easily one of the hardest days of my life, followed by the longest weeks of my life. Who knew a baby weighing 8 lbs 14 oz would not be able to breath at all. I can honestly tell you that is the day that I looked at modern medicine and technology in a whole new way.
Once she learned to breath, they realized she had a heart condition. And naturally, like all things with Miss Rylee, no "normal" medicine for children would get it under control. No, this little girl was on ADULT medicine. I have never walked around with so much fear in my life. The first year of your life was filled with nothing, but love, doctors and meds.
But you know what? She kicked that breathing thing, then she kicked that heart thing. Today she is one hell of a little girl. She is stubborn, independent, full of fire, and love. She is extremely smart and knows exactly what she wants in everything. Except choices,(wonder where she got that) do not ask her to pick between two things. She loves to look her best and goes out of her way to look "pretty".
I love you baby girl. More than you know and I can't wait to see the person you become. Even if I am a little scared. :)
All my love,
Your mommy
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