Friday, November 9, 2012
Happy Birthday to my beautiful daughter Rylee!
I can't believe it's been 6 years since that chubby little girl came out screaming. It was easily one of the hardest days of my life, followed by the longest weeks of my life. Who knew a baby weighing 8 lbs 14 oz would not be able to breath at all. I can honestly tell you that is the day that I looked at modern medicine and technology in a whole new way.
Once she learned to breath, they realized she had a heart condition. And naturally, like all things with Miss Rylee, no "normal" medicine for children would get it under control. No, this little girl was on ADULT medicine. I have never walked around with so much fear in my life. The first year of your life was filled with nothing, but love, doctors and meds.
But you know what? She kicked that breathing thing, then she kicked that heart thing. Today she is one hell of a little girl. She is stubborn, independent, full of fire, and love. She is extremely smart and knows exactly what she wants in everything. Except choices,(wonder where she got that) do not ask her to pick between two things. She loves to look her best and goes out of her way to look "pretty".
I love you baby girl. More than you know and I can't wait to see the person you become. Even if I am a little scared. :)
All my love,
Your mommy
Friday, August 24, 2012
All in my head
If I could video tape the workings of my mind at any given moment I am more than positive that it would look like a NASCAR race in the final lap. Every know and then the film would show major crashes or even cars out of service. My racing thoughts can consume me at any moment or for days at a time. Sure there is medication, but it only dulls the effects of the cycle.
I have been in my head for days. It feels like I have been consumed with thoughts, processes and feelings for years. I loose track of time and my place in a story. I start talking to someone about something out loud and suddenly I have branched off into something that has little to do with the point I am trying to make or whatever I am trying to explain. For most of the people in my life, this can be a very frustrating part of having a conversation with me.
The only way to slow the never ending race down is to empty the contents of my mind as much as possible. It takes adult conversation where I can just get it all out. However, I have to talk to a person who can listen, comment only when necessary and not ask questions. The reason I know this is because in the last 5 years that have suffered from my own mind so severely, I have come by less than a handful of people that could do it. If you have never experienced it, you can not even begin to understand the process and reasoning.
In this conversation I am not looking for your pity, your opinion or for you to FIX anything for me. I can't tell you any WHY's and I can't guarantee that I will even begin to stay on some type of track. What I can tell you is that if you also suffer from the same insanity that haunts my thoughts, then you are perfect.
You see, talking through my thoughts with someone who ACTUALLY experiences it, and lives with it everyday the way I do is so satisfying. Its one of the few times that I haven't felt crazy or ended up completely frustrated with the person I am talking to because they keep trying to tell me that they understand and can't imagine what it is like to have to deal with it. Its never that I think the person doesn't care or that they don't want to listen, its that they can't UNDERSTAND IT. They don't live it. They can't UNDERSTAND ME. Its not their fault, how can you even begin to comprehend something that I myself can't always keep up with and its happening to me?
So, in closing I would like to say a very heartfelt and loving Thank You to the amazing crazy person that has been a shining light in my thoughts lately. I appreciate who you are so much more than you will ever really know. I get you and you get me.
Its a crazy person happiness bubble and it rocks.
I have been in my head for days. It feels like I have been consumed with thoughts, processes and feelings for years. I loose track of time and my place in a story. I start talking to someone about something out loud and suddenly I have branched off into something that has little to do with the point I am trying to make or whatever I am trying to explain. For most of the people in my life, this can be a very frustrating part of having a conversation with me.
The only way to slow the never ending race down is to empty the contents of my mind as much as possible. It takes adult conversation where I can just get it all out. However, I have to talk to a person who can listen, comment only when necessary and not ask questions. The reason I know this is because in the last 5 years that have suffered from my own mind so severely, I have come by less than a handful of people that could do it. If you have never experienced it, you can not even begin to understand the process and reasoning.
In this conversation I am not looking for your pity, your opinion or for you to FIX anything for me. I can't tell you any WHY's and I can't guarantee that I will even begin to stay on some type of track. What I can tell you is that if you also suffer from the same insanity that haunts my thoughts, then you are perfect.
You see, talking through my thoughts with someone who ACTUALLY experiences it, and lives with it everyday the way I do is so satisfying. Its one of the few times that I haven't felt crazy or ended up completely frustrated with the person I am talking to because they keep trying to tell me that they understand and can't imagine what it is like to have to deal with it. Its never that I think the person doesn't care or that they don't want to listen, its that they can't UNDERSTAND IT. They don't live it. They can't UNDERSTAND ME. Its not their fault, how can you even begin to comprehend something that I myself can't always keep up with and its happening to me?
So, in closing I would like to say a very heartfelt and loving Thank You to the amazing crazy person that has been a shining light in my thoughts lately. I appreciate who you are so much more than you will ever really know. I get you and you get me.
Its a crazy person happiness bubble and it rocks.
Friday, May 25, 2012
What's in the words
Recent events have got me thinking, do words really mean anything?
Does telling someone you love them mean anything, if you don't show them that you love them?
Does making a promise matter, if you can't keep it?
Does telling someone you want them in your life, or need them in your life for that matter, mean anything, if you don't at least try to have them in your life?
Now, no one should take this post personal, as I am very much just talking in general. I am trying to find out how people personally look at these things. Not the way that you would defend yourself against someone saying that you are not "showing" them how you feel. I know we all have our reasons for the things that we do, or excuses for that matter.
However, reasons just become excuses for why we don't keep promises or make time for someone and their feelings in the grand scheme of things really. Am I wrong in thinking this way? Now when I ask you that, I am asking you to take yourself (regarding your friendships and loved ones) out of the equation. I am asking you to look at the situation with common sense and open mindedness in how our actions really truly show who we are.
So, what say you my readers? Do words really mean anything?
Does telling someone you love them mean anything, if you don't show them that you love them?
Does making a promise matter, if you can't keep it?
Does telling someone you want them in your life, or need them in your life for that matter, mean anything, if you don't at least try to have them in your life?
Now, no one should take this post personal, as I am very much just talking in general. I am trying to find out how people personally look at these things. Not the way that you would defend yourself against someone saying that you are not "showing" them how you feel. I know we all have our reasons for the things that we do, or excuses for that matter.
However, reasons just become excuses for why we don't keep promises or make time for someone and their feelings in the grand scheme of things really. Am I wrong in thinking this way? Now when I ask you that, I am asking you to take yourself (regarding your friendships and loved ones) out of the equation. I am asking you to look at the situation with common sense and open mindedness in how our actions really truly show who we are.
So, what say you my readers? Do words really mean anything?
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Quiet your mind
Its a well know fact to those that know me and love me that I am a woman of many moods. You could say I am crazy, hell you could say a lot of things about me. Mostly, I think its due to the fact that I spend an awful lot of time in my own head thinking about all the things that don't really mean shit in the importance department, but they seem to encompass me.
I have always been a very honest person. Like what I have to say or not, I don't have the desire to please people by lying to them. Most of the people close to me know that I suffer from Bi-polar disorder and depending on the therapist, also PTSD. I have control issues and had what some would call a pretty fucked up childhood. I was molested repeatedly for the span of what I can remember to be close to a year and was raised to generally believe men are useless unless given power from a woman. I have trust issues, and usually feel more secure when I am being treated like shit. I have very little family, and the family that I do have is no where near "in" my life. I have never felt "at home" anywhere I have lived. I am more comfortable in other peoples homes than I have ever been in a home that I have actually lived in or owned. I take medication daily, better yet I take medication 8 out of 10 days and even then I usually don't "feel" any better. I have more bad days then good ones and I feel lonely even when I am surrounded by people.
*Whew*
With that said, I strive everyday to not let those things define who I am. I know who I want to be. I want to be a strong woman. The best mother I can possibly be and a loving an supportive wife, friend and person in general. I try to take care of myself and at least act like nothing is "wrong" if there is really nothing that should be "wrong". Honestly, most days I want to crawl out of my own skin because my mind won't shut up and just let me be. I keep as busy as possible with my children, with my books, with the things I like to do. I constantly remind myself how lucky I am to have healthy, happy children, a best friend that knows my flaws well. even if she doesn't understand them, a husband that loves me unconditionally even if he doesn't understand me and a "brother" in the form of an ex husband that understands me even if he can't emotionally be there for me. I have a handful of close friends that know who they are and what they mean to me.
I also have unrealistic expectations that I hate beyond measure and mood swings that probably should probably have me committed. I have a craving for family that I can't seem to let go and an unwavering need for constant change. I am emotionally driven and get my feelings hurt very easily. I loathe all of these things about myself. I wish I could change them, not let them take up so much space in my heart and my mind. But, unfortunately I will never be able to.
Each day I will just go where my moods take me and where my heart leads me. I will continue to put everything I am into everything that I want to be. To make tomorrow better than today and to push on even when I feel like crawling into the back of the closet. I'll do this because I want more than what was dealt to me, and I deserve more than I have been burdened with.
I am worth it.
I have always been a very honest person. Like what I have to say or not, I don't have the desire to please people by lying to them. Most of the people close to me know that I suffer from Bi-polar disorder and depending on the therapist, also PTSD. I have control issues and had what some would call a pretty fucked up childhood. I was molested repeatedly for the span of what I can remember to be close to a year and was raised to generally believe men are useless unless given power from a woman. I have trust issues, and usually feel more secure when I am being treated like shit. I have very little family, and the family that I do have is no where near "in" my life. I have never felt "at home" anywhere I have lived. I am more comfortable in other peoples homes than I have ever been in a home that I have actually lived in or owned. I take medication daily, better yet I take medication 8 out of 10 days and even then I usually don't "feel" any better. I have more bad days then good ones and I feel lonely even when I am surrounded by people.
*Whew*
With that said, I strive everyday to not let those things define who I am. I know who I want to be. I want to be a strong woman. The best mother I can possibly be and a loving an supportive wife, friend and person in general. I try to take care of myself and at least act like nothing is "wrong" if there is really nothing that should be "wrong". Honestly, most days I want to crawl out of my own skin because my mind won't shut up and just let me be. I keep as busy as possible with my children, with my books, with the things I like to do. I constantly remind myself how lucky I am to have healthy, happy children, a best friend that knows my flaws well. even if she doesn't understand them, a husband that loves me unconditionally even if he doesn't understand me and a "brother" in the form of an ex husband that understands me even if he can't emotionally be there for me. I have a handful of close friends that know who they are and what they mean to me.
I also have unrealistic expectations that I hate beyond measure and mood swings that probably should probably have me committed. I have a craving for family that I can't seem to let go and an unwavering need for constant change. I am emotionally driven and get my feelings hurt very easily. I loathe all of these things about myself. I wish I could change them, not let them take up so much space in my heart and my mind. But, unfortunately I will never be able to.
Each day I will just go where my moods take me and where my heart leads me. I will continue to put everything I am into everything that I want to be. To make tomorrow better than today and to push on even when I feel like crawling into the back of the closet. I'll do this because I want more than what was dealt to me, and I deserve more than I have been burdened with.
I am worth it.
Friday, October 14, 2011
The trip
They all said that I should go and get away. That I should leave my problems at the door and go be worry free. Don't think about the money issues and the stress your life holds right now. Just relax and enjoy.
****I TRIED****
I swear to god I tried. I went with a plan to have a wonderful time and to spend only a small set amount of money. The money that he worked so hard to get for our trip to California. The money that dwindled to damn near nothing by the beginning of our third day of a four day trip. We didn't blow money and we didn't go on a shopping spree. We didn't even do anything that extravagant or special.
What we DID DO was go to California where everything is expensive as hell. Everyone around us was there to spend money. Nobody was trying to save money like us. The front desk of our hotel kept referring to everything that was under $100 as being not that expensive. *Drops jaw*
We did our best to conserve and all the while I did nothing, but run the numbers and constantly think about what that money could do back home. I couldn't stop stressing about one thing or another. I couldn't stop checking my account online and waiting for my phone to ring in my hand. Waiting for a call about a job that I wanted that someone else was given.
***DAMN IT I WANTED THAT JOB***
Long story short...I probably should have just sold my airline tickets, hotel stay and park tickets to someone that could have gone and had the time of their life. While I have several good memories from my first trip with my love, I surely spent way to much of my time moping and stressing about things I can do nothing about from California.
Its a good thing he loves me...because I am pretty sure I would have told him to get the fuck over it a few times in the last four days. All he did was put his arms around me, kiss me and tell me that it was going to be okay. Yep, that's love.
****I TRIED****
I swear to god I tried. I went with a plan to have a wonderful time and to spend only a small set amount of money. The money that he worked so hard to get for our trip to California. The money that dwindled to damn near nothing by the beginning of our third day of a four day trip. We didn't blow money and we didn't go on a shopping spree. We didn't even do anything that extravagant or special.
What we DID DO was go to California where everything is expensive as hell. Everyone around us was there to spend money. Nobody was trying to save money like us. The front desk of our hotel kept referring to everything that was under $100 as being not that expensive. *Drops jaw*
We did our best to conserve and all the while I did nothing, but run the numbers and constantly think about what that money could do back home. I couldn't stop stressing about one thing or another. I couldn't stop checking my account online and waiting for my phone to ring in my hand. Waiting for a call about a job that I wanted that someone else was given.
***DAMN IT I WANTED THAT JOB***
Long story short...I probably should have just sold my airline tickets, hotel stay and park tickets to someone that could have gone and had the time of their life. While I have several good memories from my first trip with my love, I surely spent way to much of my time moping and stressing about things I can do nothing about from California.
Its a good thing he loves me...because I am pretty sure I would have told him to get the fuck over it a few times in the last four days. All he did was put his arms around me, kiss me and tell me that it was going to be okay. Yep, that's love.
Monday, October 3, 2011
The afterlife
Everyone wants to know what happened. Everyone wants the details of how the job I loved just disappeared.
Well guess what peeps, it just did.
Honestly, I just don't want to talk about it. Its like losing a loved one or an animal, it hurts to talk about it. For the first 3 days after I cried at the thought of not going back. I cried because for the first time in my 30 years I couldn't go back to a place that I love.
I know they say one door closes so another one can open, but does that door really have to smack you in the face when it closes? Its amazing to me how quickly someone can disregard you after you have basically given them your soul. And so, I am left with only what I have learned from this situation....
*Don't give more than you get in life
*Don't make someone or something important to you when you are not important to them
*COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS
*A job is just that, a job.
*You find out who your friends are, and quick
*Find the good in everything around you
*Be grateful and loving always
With that said....I bid you farewell...For now
Whew...Why don't I feel better?
Well guess what peeps, it just did.
Honestly, I just don't want to talk about it. Its like losing a loved one or an animal, it hurts to talk about it. For the first 3 days after I cried at the thought of not going back. I cried because for the first time in my 30 years I couldn't go back to a place that I love.
I know they say one door closes so another one can open, but does that door really have to smack you in the face when it closes? Its amazing to me how quickly someone can disregard you after you have basically given them your soul. And so, I am left with only what I have learned from this situation....
*Don't give more than you get in life
*Don't make someone or something important to you when you are not important to them
*COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS
*A job is just that, a job.
*You find out who your friends are, and quick
*Find the good in everything around you
*Be grateful and loving always
With that said....I bid you farewell...For now
Whew...Why don't I feel better?
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Deep down inside
You know that feeling you get when you know better? When you know that this place you stand is not the right place? I hate that feeling.
The feeling gives you so much uncertainity and such anxiety. Makes you doubt your choices and keeps your from following your gut. Why oh why do my emotions have to control me so much. I feel so powerless to them. Like I am simply just the host of this body and mind, but I have no control over what they do.
I want more. I want happiness. You know the happiness you feel for your life when you take a step back and look at it. I am still in such a place of Limbo that I feel like my feel are not planted on the ground. Days are good and bad as with any life. I'm simply looking for more good days than bad.
I know it will come in time, but did I mention that I am not a patient girl?
The feeling gives you so much uncertainity and such anxiety. Makes you doubt your choices and keeps your from following your gut. Why oh why do my emotions have to control me so much. I feel so powerless to them. Like I am simply just the host of this body and mind, but I have no control over what they do.
I want more. I want happiness. You know the happiness you feel for your life when you take a step back and look at it. I am still in such a place of Limbo that I feel like my feel are not planted on the ground. Days are good and bad as with any life. I'm simply looking for more good days than bad.
I know it will come in time, but did I mention that I am not a patient girl?
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