My diverse thoughts

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Being in my head is mostly compared to watching a hamster spinning on a wheel. It's all jumbled thoughts, racing words, and just plain rapid thinking. This generally leads to some craziness. Let's be honest, you all know I am bat shit crazy, so this is to be expected, right? M'kay.

With all that said, this current world craziness is overflowing my red solo cup. Its been so long since I sat down, and put my thoughts on (paper) if you will.  2020 is a giant Jumanji game, and someone needs to get this damn game over with.

I am in no way talking about the newest version of Jumanji, I'm talking about the old school Robin Williams original.  That is the only way I can describe how I feel. Literal shit is flying all around me. Man killing Pandemic viruses, earthquakes, home schooling, and just trying to manage normal life needs like all the shit isn't just flying in my face.

Everything is fine, just make dinner, change the diapers, feed the baby, and make sure you are giving your family the normalcy they need during these trying times so they can see an example of calm in all this chaos. Sure, I am doing that on the outside for the most part. However, inside I am a raging pile of emotions that are completely out of control. I can't keep my thoughts straight, keep my emotions at bay, or get all this new shit organized enough in my head to process it like I need to.

How are we supposed to just go about our day just schooling our children, making dinner, playing games, cleaning, and with a normal routine when we are socially distancing ourselves into a depression for the greater good, and we can find any god damn toilet paper?? So here I sit, drinking coffee that I had to order online, and staring off into the room in this limbo from hell.

Its fine....Everything is fine.

TheMrsMommy

Holiday shit show...

I know what your thinking...What the hell does that title mean?

Well I will tell you, and in extreme detail.

Growing up, holidays were huge. All of them. We decorated, we celebrated, and just plain enjoyed the shit out of them. I've always loved getting and giving presents, making special meals, and making those around me feel special and loved. For years I went out of my way to make everyone around me feel magical on the holidays, be it Christmas, or the 4th of July. Mother's Day, Father's Day, you name it, I did it up big!

However, over the years I've come to learn that just because people matter to me, doesn't mean that I mean shit to other people. Holidays have been the biggest proof of this in my life for me. I don't have any parents, and the ones I tried to "adopt" have made it very clear over the years that I don't mean enough to them to show they care. I don't talk to 2 of my 3 siblings, well because honestly the 2 are not good people. As you grow, you learn that just because someone is related to you, doesn't mean they are worth damaging your heart and soul for. I grew up without extended family, and grandparents. As you may imagine, this all makes for a bit of a broken person on the inside.

What I mean to say is, I don't really FIT anywhere. I have my mister, and the amount of grateful I am to have him can't be measured. I have my baby sister, who makes me smile every time I see her. I also have a very small circle of close friends, but even they seem far away lately. Don't get me wrong, I know I am not most peoples cup of tea. I'm loud, opinionated, picky, outspoken, bitchy, and pretty much swear like a drunk sailor. I left my first husband because I was very unhappy, not because he beat me or cheated on me. He's a great guys for the most part, he just never really cared about me. Oh he loved me, but he didn't know me, or want to make me happy.

My everyday life consists of my 4, soon to be 5, children, my mister, our two dogs, and our grumpy old kitty. My children are healthy, mostly happy, and the most important thing in my life. They bring me to tears, good and bad, more than they will ever know. My entire world revolves around them and
It always will. I've built my life around being the best mother and partner I can be, and I am pretty proud of where I stand. We raise our children in a "village" and most days it's hard as hell, but worth it for my kids. For a long time I thought I meant something to my other parenting half in the village, but I think it's more out of necessity for them than love. With time, I'm learning to live with that, even though it's not what the village meant to me. To me it was "our" family. Honestly, it was the only family I had outside my children and my mister.

My point is....life is never what you think it is. I'm sad, I'm orphaned, and I'm broken. Having no kind of extended family around me always makes me sad at the holidays. I always cry threw making stuffing on Thanksgiving. Mother's Day and Fathers Day always remind me I'm alone. Birthdays remind me who doesn't really care. It's a vicious cycle that causes me to have a hard Love/hate relationship with the holidays I've always loved so much. I've always wanted to have those parents that loved and supported me. Those parents who were so spoiling and loving to my children. The parents that wanted to spend time with you and didn't consider you an inconvenience. Brothers and sisters that wanted to be around me and my kids.

Ironically in life, you don't get what you want. You get what you need, and a sprinkle of what you hope for. I love everyday trying to remind myself that I am a very lucky woman, with children and a mister that love me very very much. Our sweet newest member of our family will be here in two weeks, and I'm going to continue to raise my children with all the love, support, pride, and understanding that I can. I just have to remind myself that's all I need.

The Mrs Mommy

Friendship

Long time, no post much?

It's funny how I need to blog when something dramatic happens in my life. I tend to need somewhere to put the words rolling around in my mind. So here I sit, drinking a slurpee, and smoking a cigarette.

My world is made up of many relationships. Most of them seem to be friendships as I have very little family, not including my village. With that said, I hold those people in my friendships very close to me. So close that when something happens to one of my friendships, it tends to rip off several layers of my heart.

Today I feel both broken and bruised. Someone extremely close to me decided I wasn't a friend they wanted to have anymore. Out of nowhere they stopped returning my calls and texts. So suddenly that I thought this person was hurt somewhere. I went looking for them, calling several times and tracking down their family, all to be slapped with a text saying "leave me alone, I don't want to be your friend anymore".

Honestly, that shit stung. It hurt deep. What have I done to deserve this I asked?  No answer has been given. Until my mister asked that is, then it all came out. I'm mean. That's the bold point answer. I am mean. Umm, can't everyone be mean? Don't get me wrong, if you attempt to hurt or harm those I love you will suffer, and suffer good.

What happened next you ask? What does one do when they are told their dearest friend wants nothing to do with them because they are "mean"? Well this chick started asking anyone who would answer the golden question. Am I mean? Do I treat people bad? Have I been mean to you? And you know what happened? Not one person close to me agreed with her. They told me this was all her, and not on me. It took a few days of doubt to pull my head out of my ass, but I did emerge.

And you know what, I'm happier now with who I am then I ever have been. I know who I am, and what I want. I'm kind, loving, giving, and just down right awesome. So take that old friend. You can't steal my shine.

The Mrs Mommy

Its a love thing

If I have learned anything in the last two years of my life, I have learned that the only way to truly be happy in life is that you have to live with love.

Love yourself, love others and everything in between.

Learn from your mistakes, and from others. Don't hold onto things and definitely don't let others lack of love and logic damage you. I spent the first 28 years of my life letting myself be damaged by someones lack of love and caring.  I internalized it and made unspeakable excuses for it, but in all honesty I am the one that enabled the relationships for so long.  I didn't love myself, so why should it matter if someone else truly loved me?  It never ceases to amaze me what we as people will put our selves through in the "name of love",  "because they love me", or "because I love them".

Be it staying in a marriage, in a friendship, or in a family relationship, you will never be happy until you learn how important love and caring is in a relationship. Not just saying or hearing "I love you", but living with love. If you are not treated with respect, and your feelings are not cared for, you are not being treated with love. If you are not providing the same of your "partner" in the relationship, well them you are not living with love.

My point is, it took me a long time to figure out that I wasn't living with love in my life and you can bet your ass that I will not let that important detail fall from my life. No matter what pain and obstacles come my way, I can still choose to live with love. I can choose to rise above the hurt, and heal while I move forward.

After all, life is about the dance. I could have missed the pain, but I would've had to miss the dance.

Doubt

Sometimes I come here and I have no idea what to write,

Other times I have so much to say, and absolutely no time to write it down.

Then there is times like tonight, where I have a million things running through my head, and all the time I could want to get it all "down on paper" so to speak.

At any given moment in my head its like a very spunky hamster is running on a wheel after an extremely shinny object. The worst part of being me is easily living in my head. Second, would be having my heart to carry around. Lets not even get into how easily I am controlled by my emotions, and just work with how many times this big heart has been cracked into pieces.

I couldn't even begin to count how often someone tells me how strong they think I am.  Truth is, I am not really that strong at all by my own standards.  Being strong to me means that you can handle anything with your head held high. Honestly, each time I break I come back together with more pieces of me numb then before. I am sure that under a hi-tech x-ray my heart is fused in places like a quilt.  When I fall down, I fall all the way down. There is no doing anything half ass with this chick. Face down in the mud, eyes full of tears, and feet out from under me.

My point is, I have fallen more times in the last 5 years than I would like to admit.  Now, I am not talking about having a bad day and throwing your big girl panties back on after a good cry. No, I am talking about the world as you know it falling apart around you. I have moved 9 times in that 5 years and have changed by leaps and bounds. I am no where NEAR the girl I was November 2009. By the end of 2010 I was starting over and scared of doing everything wrong.

Flash forward 5 years and you will see a woman who may not be as strong as she would like, but she will not back down without a fight, She stands up for what she believes in, and has passion running through her veins with every breath she takes. She is raising strong and beautiful children, who know who they are.  She has faith in who she is, and what she can do in this world. She lets her heart lead her and her head guide her.

And you can bet your sweet ass I won't let myself down. I got this, and no one can make me feel or think any differently.

TheMrsMommy

As the wind blows

Its been a year.

Actually, its been one year and 5 days.

That was the day my entire world shattered. It broke like glass, something along the lines of that scene in the ballroom in Labyrinth. Just that morning I was listening to 90's country songs telling myself how lucky I was. Good job, loving and supporting husband, healthy kids, and a home that I loved. And then, just like that, it completely fell apart like it was only a dream to begin with.

The following weeks were a complete blur. Moving, selling things, crying til I couldn't breathe. I remember telling myself, you can do this, you can beat this. Then the next minute I was on the floor in a ball crying, saying I couldn't do it, couldn't handle the pain, the loss, and the hopelessness. I was broken, completely broken. I started functioning like a zombie, completely on autopilot.

I owe my survival to two people. Two people that hugged me, told me they loved me, and made sure I didn't jump off any cliffs during "The Great Devastation of 2013". My Sister Mamma and my Baby Daddy. I didn't leave their home for a month. I wasn't brave enough, wasn't strong enough. They covered me with blankets, dried my tears, and told me everything would be okay one day. I specifically remember one night, as I laid on the couch crying myself to the most amazing golf ball sized eyes I would every see, my Baby Daddy walking out of the room and turning off the light, then he says, "I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but it will be okay". It probably didn't mean a thing to him when he said it, but my respect for him had me grabbing those words for dear life.

I needed to believe in something. I needed to have something to have faith in. And if you know me, god isn't on that list. I took me months to return to my normal happy and fun loving self. Even when I did finally return to myself, it wasn't the woman I had been before. The confident woman with a smile on her face. No, it was a very humbled and grounded woman. A woman who will never ever take anything for granted every again. Who will never look at her life and say this isn't good enough or this isn't what I want. No, I will be grateful for every damn thing that ever sets its foot in my path. For every person that brings joy and love into my life. I will give more to others than I ever expect to receive and I will love unconditionally and strong.

Because even though I was broken, it doesn't mean I was defeated. That was only a battle in the war of life. And I can bring all the strength and determination to this life that I choose to.

-The Mrs Mommy

Over the hill she goes....

Where did the last 3 years of my life go?

So much has changed, yet I feel so eerily the same. I don't feel like I look any different in the mirror, or that I am any older. My body is still the same, but it sure is slowing down.

This time three years ago I was going through the most overwhelming internal struggle I could ever imagine. I just felt like everything was so wrong, that I was not where I belonged. I tried to do what other moms I knew did, wrap myself up in my kids. But, that only made me feel worse. Made me feel more like I had lost me and was losing control of everything. There was medication and therapy, anything I could do to "feel" better.

Looking from the outside you would think I had it all. I didn't have to work, my husband didn't beat me or cheat on me, my kids were healthy and mostly happy. Some people knew what I was going through, but not many. No one know the depth of it. How dark and deep it was. How unhappy and lost I felt. Nobody would understand, nobody did. They all wanted me to get over it, to act nothing was wrong. Oh how I tried, tried so hard. So much was going on, I tried so hard to tell him that I needed him, that I wasn't happy and I wanted more. I felt like all the "hims" in my life had let me down.

My husband, my brother and my dad. I had lost all the men that I thought cared about me. No support, no friendship, no love. I felt like my mother was right. She had to be right. Men always let you down. I wanted her to be wrong so much.  I hated her way to much for her to be right about anything, but they were all proving her right. How could none of them not care about me? None of them spent any time with me? No matter how much I asked for the time and attention. I was just to much for them.  They all had their reasons, their own problems and struggles to deal with. It wasn't til a year later that I realized that you can't make someone fill something in you, you have to fill your own voids and take care of your own emotions.

Flash forward three years and things look pretty much the same. I still have a brother, that has no desire to actually be a brother, the only dad I ever had as a kid went back on every word he ever told me and I haven't seen him for years. I can't blame him to much, she brainwashed me for years too. Then there's that husband. Oh, he's still around and he's as frustrating as ever. But these days his role has changed, he's the father to my beautiful children and I couldn't imagine a day without him in my life. For some reason, he just never could give me the love and affection that I needed from him. He can give it to our children though, and I am thankfully daily that he does.

And the silver lining is coated in irony.......

That husband I had, well he's damn close to a brother to me. I love him and want to punch him at the same damn time. He's my family and his family is my family. I have a mom and a dad and I couldn't imagine my life without them. They give me more guidance and love than I ever imagined or felt I deserved. I have my two little boys, and their spirits amaze me everyday. I know I was meant to be there Momma. That brings me to "him". I never imagined that I could be loved without rules, without boundaries or limits. Being his wife can be such a struggle, but I know its once I was meant to go throw. He teaches me things about myself daily and makes me smile more than I ever remember doing before. He has pride in simply being my husband and honestly, that makes me feel like i'm worth a million dollars.  And that my friends, that is a first for me.

So to all the important people in my life, you know who you are....I love you without limits, without boundaries and without any rules. Thank you for giving me the life I never knew I needed.

Oh the agony...

It feels like I am in a job twilight zone. It's like a never ending loop of applications, with an occasional interview here or there.

The general conciseness is that I have an amazing resume and wonderful work history. And then, I don't get the job. How in gods name is this possible? Is it because they keep asking me how much money I made at my last position? Even though I tell them I am not looking to make anywhere near that. I know I was paid well, and I know I haven't worked in a year.

But seriously? This is Utah, home of the stay at home mother. So what if I took a year off from working, does that make me any less of a qualified applicant? Does it decrease my knowledge and experience? No!! I am an extremely hard worker and a very quick learner! I am only looking for enough income to justify putting my children in childcare. I mean honestly, if I am really only working to pay for childcare, is there a point in working AT ALL?

I have applied for every single job that I am qualified for. I have been hired on to several staffing agencies. All of who tell me that I am an amazing catch for any company and that I shouldn't work for anything less than  THIS certain amount. And then, they have no work for me in the that set amount area. SERIOUSLY??? I feel like I am in the job black hole and I can't get out.

Somebody, anybody.....PULL ME OUT!

Simplify

When your a child, you spend so much time waiting to grow up.  When your an adult, you spend all your time wishing you were a kid again.

Isn't it funny how much assuming we do in life? How much time we spend wanting something we really know nothing about? You know, it's that whole...the grass is always greener on the other side thing.  We think if we have money, we will have no bill problems. That if we have love, we can conquer anything. Well I am here to tell you that money causes problems and that love will only get you so far. What we really need in life is a nice balance of everything. We need love to sustain our hearts and money to keep us safe. To much of either tends to make your picture a little blurry, if you ask me anyway.

Why does it take us so much time, so much of our precious lives, to realize that we have to simply the way we look at things in order to feel at peace? Why must we fall straight on our face and lose everything before we understand that we were doing it wrong to begin with? I believe it is simply that we always think we need more, need to have better. And what does more get us?

It took me a long, very long time, to get where I am today. To look at things the way that I do and to know the things that I do. However, I still can't seem to keep my positive thoughts above my negative thoughts.  I am an extremely open minded person, I know this world is gray. I know that nothing is one side or the other. That things are never as they seem and nothing works out as we expect it to. 

So, I have decided to "Simplify"

I have decided to slow down, to look deeper and follow my instincts. To let go of all the complicated things around me. To let go of the people I try so hard to keep in my life and to give my attention to those that are trying to have me in theirs. To be the best mother and wife I can be, and let my life lead me as it should.  Laugh more than I cry, cuddle more than I think.  We are making breakfast more than we are eating cereal and enjoying more baked goodies than cheese sticks and yogurt. I walked away from Facebook and into conversations with the people IN my life.

And you know what.....I FEEL BETTER

I no longer feel like something is missing. That someone is ignoring me or doesn't want me around anymore. I no longer feel like the people close to me are just coming and going. I feel like cuddling up to my husband on the couch way more than I used to.  Like baking cookies, just to see the smiles on my children's faces. And I'll be damned if I don't feel lucky as hell.

Now....If only we could pay the bills. 

Told ya.

The reasons

I remember the day just like it was yesterday.

She taunted me, she pushed me and pushed me until I snapped. I walked out that door at 17 years old and except for a short stint back at 18, so that I could see my sisters, I never really went back. Sure, when I went back for that stint she did let me have my clothes and eventually she did give me my dresser, but nothing else. I didn't get to keep those things that were mine.

Everything I own I have acquired on my own. Yes, some have been presents and some have been given to me from friends that didn't need them anymore. But, the point is, they are MY things. With that said, I know the way I am about my possessions can be very hard for those around me. I don't like to share the things I have. Granted, if I no longer want or need something I give it away to someone else that needs it. Do you know why? Because I have been there. I have had absolutely nothing. I have been without food, without a home and without clothes to wear. I have been taken advantage of and I have been made to feel like I am less without things.

So yes, this may be why I don't like to share things that I have. Why I don't like people in my stuff.  I wish it didn't bother me so much, but isn't a person entitled to their own things? Things that they don't have to share?  This is what I teach my children, I tell that they are entitled to have things that we can put away for later if they don't want to share them. That they are entitled to have things that their siblings can't play with. Why is this any different for adults? Why are we made to feel like we are unkind or selfish because we don't like people getting into our things?

I think it is healthy for us each to have our own time, our own things and our own space when needed. I believe the problem lies in the fact that I am much more in tune with my thoughts then most people. That I don't just look at something and do it. I think things through constantly. So when I tell someone that I want or need something a certain way, it is because I very much so WANT it that way. I want that way because I have processed this information a MILLION times and I NEED it that way.

Happy Birthday to my beautiful daughter Rylee!

I can't believe it's been 6 years since that chubby little girl came out screaming. It was easily one of the hardest days of my life, followed by the longest weeks of my life. Who knew a baby weighing 8 lbs 14 oz would not be able to breath at all. I can honestly tell you that is the day that I looked at modern medicine and technology in a whole new way.

Once she learned to breath, they realized she had a heart condition. And naturally, like all things with Miss Rylee, no "normal" medicine for children would get it under control. No, this little girl was on ADULT medicine. I have never walked around with so much fear in my life.  The first year of your life was filled with nothing, but love, doctors and meds.

But you know what? She kicked that breathing thing, then she kicked that heart thing. Today she is one hell of a little girl. She is stubborn, independent, full of fire, and love. She is extremely smart and knows exactly what she wants in everything. Except choices,(wonder where she got that) do not ask her to pick between two things. She loves to look her best and goes out of her way to look "pretty".

I love you baby girl. More than you know and I can't wait to see the person you become. Even if I am a little scared. :)

All my love,

Your mommy

All in my head

If I could video tape the workings of my mind at any given moment I am more than positive that it would look like a NASCAR race in the final lap. Every know and then the film would show major crashes or even cars out of service. My racing thoughts can consume me at any moment or for days at a time. Sure there is medication, but it only dulls the effects of the cycle.

I have been in my head for days. It feels like I have been consumed with thoughts, processes and feelings for years. I loose track of time and my place in a story. I start talking to someone about something out loud and suddenly I have branched off into something that has little to do with the point I am trying to make or whatever I am trying to explain. For most of the people in my life, this can be a very frustrating part of having a conversation with me.

The only way to slow the never ending race down is to empty the contents of my mind as much as possible. It takes adult conversation where I can just get it all out. However, I have to talk to a person who can listen, comment only when necessary and not ask questions. The reason I know this is because in the last 5 years that have suffered from my own mind so severely, I have come by less than a handful of people that could do it. If you have never experienced it, you can not even begin to understand the process and reasoning.

In this conversation I am not looking for your pity, your opinion or for you to FIX anything for me. I can't tell you any WHY's and I can't guarantee that I will even begin to stay on some type of track. What I can tell you is that if you also suffer from the same insanity that haunts my thoughts, then you are perfect.

You see, talking through my thoughts with someone who ACTUALLY experiences it, and lives with it everyday the way I do is so satisfying. Its one of the few times that I haven't felt crazy or ended up completely frustrated with the person I am talking to because they keep trying to tell me that they understand and can't imagine what it is like to have to deal with it. Its never that I think the person doesn't care or that they don't want to listen, its that they can't UNDERSTAND IT. They don't live it. They can't UNDERSTAND ME. Its not their fault, how can you even begin to comprehend something that I myself can't always keep up with and its happening to me?

So, in closing I would like to say a very heartfelt and loving Thank You to the amazing crazy person that has been a shining light in my thoughts lately. I appreciate who you are so much more than you will ever really know. I get you and you get me.

Its a crazy person happiness bubble and it rocks.
 

What's in the words

Recent events have got me thinking, do words really mean anything?

Does telling someone you love them mean anything, if you don't show them that you love them?

Does making a promise matter, if you can't keep it?

Does telling someone you want them in your life, or need them in your life for that matter, mean anything, if you don't at least try to have them in your life?

Now, no one should take this post personal, as I am very much just talking in general. I am trying to find out how people personally look at these things. Not the way that you would defend yourself against someone saying that you are not "showing" them how you feel. I know we all have our reasons for the things that we do, or excuses for that matter.

However, reasons just become excuses for why we don't keep promises or make time for someone and their feelings in the grand scheme of things really. Am I wrong in thinking this way? Now when I ask you that, I am asking you to take yourself (regarding your friendships and loved ones) out of the equation.  I am asking you to look at the situation with common sense and open mindedness in how our actions really truly show who we are.

So, what say you my readers? Do words really mean anything?

Quiet your mind

Its a well know fact to those that know me and love me that I am a woman of many moods. You could say I am crazy, hell you could say a lot of things about me. Mostly, I think its due to the fact that I spend an awful lot of time in my own head thinking about all the things that don't really mean shit in the importance department, but they seem to encompass me.

I have always been a very honest person. Like what I have to say or not, I don't have the desire to please people by lying to them. Most of the people close to me know that I suffer from Bi-polar disorder and depending on the therapist, also PTSD. I have control issues and had what some would call a pretty fucked up childhood. I was molested repeatedly for the span of what I can remember to be close to a year and was raised to generally believe men are useless unless given power from a woman. I have trust issues, and usually feel more secure when I am being treated like shit. I have very little family, and the family that I do have is no where near "in" my life. I have never felt "at home" anywhere I have lived. I am more comfortable in other peoples homes than I have ever been in a home that I have actually lived in or owned. I take medication daily, better yet I take medication 8 out of 10 days and even then I usually don't "feel" any better. I have more bad days then good ones and I feel lonely even when I am surrounded by people.

*Whew*

With that said, I strive everyday to not let those things define who I am. I know who I want to be. I want to be a strong woman. The best mother I can possibly be and a loving an supportive wife, friend and person in general. I try to take care of myself and at least act like nothing is "wrong" if there is really nothing that should be "wrong". Honestly, most days I want to crawl out of my own skin because my mind won't shut up and just let me be. I keep as busy as possible with my children, with my books, with the things I like to do. I constantly remind myself how lucky I am to have healthy, happy children, a best friend that knows my flaws well. even if she doesn't understand them, a husband that loves me unconditionally even if he doesn't understand me and a "brother" in the form of an ex husband that understands me even if he can't emotionally be there for me. I have a handful of close friends that know who they are and what they mean to me.

I also have unrealistic expectations that I hate beyond measure and mood swings that probably should probably have me committed. I have a craving for family that I can't seem to let go and an unwavering need for constant change. I am emotionally driven and get my feelings hurt very easily. I loathe all of these things about myself. I wish I could change them, not let them take up so much space in my heart and my mind. But, unfortunately I will never be able to.

Each day I will just go where my moods take me and where my heart leads me. I will continue to put everything I am into everything that I want to be. To make tomorrow better than today and to push on even when I feel like crawling into the back of the closet. I'll do this because I want more than what was dealt to me, and I deserve more than I have been burdened with.

I am worth it.

The trip

They all said that I should go and get away. That I should leave my problems at the door and go be worry free. Don't think about the money issues and the stress your life holds right now. Just relax and enjoy.

****I TRIED****

I swear to god I tried. I went with a plan to have a wonderful time and to spend only a small set amount of money. The money that he worked so hard to get for our trip to California. The money that dwindled to damn near nothing by the beginning of our third day of a four day trip. We didn't blow money and we didn't go on a shopping spree. We didn't even do anything that extravagant or special.

What we DID DO was go to California where everything is expensive as hell. Everyone around us was there to spend money. Nobody was trying to save money like us. The front desk of our hotel kept referring to everything that was under $100 as being not that expensive. *Drops jaw*

We did our best to conserve and all the while I did nothing, but run the numbers and constantly think about what that money could do back home. I couldn't stop stressing about one thing or another. I couldn't stop checking my account online and waiting for my phone to ring in my hand. Waiting for a call about a job that I wanted that someone else was given.

***DAMN IT I WANTED THAT JOB***

Long story short...I probably should have just sold my airline tickets, hotel stay and park tickets to someone that could have gone and had the time of their life. While I have several good memories from my first trip with my love, I surely spent way to much of my time moping and stressing about things I can do nothing about from California.

Its a good thing he loves me...because I am pretty sure I would have told him to get the fuck over it a few times in the last four days. All he did was put his arms around me, kiss me and tell me that it was going to be okay. Yep, that's love.

The afterlife

Everyone wants to know what happened. Everyone wants the details of how the job I loved just disappeared.

Well guess what peeps, it just did.

Honestly, I just don't want to talk about it. Its like losing a loved one or an animal, it hurts to talk about it. For the first 3 days after I cried at the thought of not going back. I cried because for the first time in my 30 years I couldn't go back to a place that I love.

I know they say one door closes so another one can open, but does that door really have to smack you in the face when it closes? Its amazing to me how quickly someone can disregard you after you have basically given them your soul. And so, I am left with only what I have learned from this situation....

*Don't give more than you get in life
*Don't make someone or something important to you when you are not important to them
*COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS
*A job is just that, a job.
*You find out who your friends are, and quick
*Find the good in everything around you
*Be grateful and loving always

With that said....I bid you farewell...For now

Whew...Why don't I feel better?

Deep down inside

You know that feeling you get when you know better? When you know that this place you stand is not the right place? I hate that feeling.

The feeling gives you so much uncertainity and such anxiety. Makes you doubt your choices and keeps your from following your gut. Why oh why do my emotions have to control me so much. I feel so powerless to them. Like I am simply just the host of this body and mind, but I have no control over what they do.

I want more. I want happiness. You know the happiness you feel for your life when you take a step back and look at it. I am still in such a place of Limbo that I feel like my feel are not planted on the ground. Days are good and bad as with any life. I'm simply looking for more good days than bad.

I know it will come in time, but did I mention that I am not a patient girl?

Personality much?

I took a personality test today that a good friend at work gave me. It was interesting how easy it was to answer the questions. I wanted an honest judgement from the test. I answered 70 questions with the first thing that came to my mind. Here's what the test came up with.

Your personality type is ENFP

Extrovert, Intuition, Feeling, Perceiving

Where do you prefer to focus your attention? get your energy?

Extrovert

People who prefer extraversion like to focus on the outer world of people and activity. They direct their energy and attention outward and receive energy from interacting with people and from taking action.

How do you prefer to take in information?

Intuition

People who prefer intuition like to take in information by seeing the big picture, focusing on the relationships and connections between facts. They want to grasp patterns and are especially attuned to seeing new possibilities.

How do you make decisions?

Feeling

People who prefer to use feeling in decision making like to consider what is important to them and to others involved. They mentally place themselves into the situation to identify with everyone so they can make decisions based on their values about honoring people. They are energized by appreciating and supporting others. And look for qualities to praise. Their goal is to create harmony and treat each person as a unique individual.

How do you deal with the outer world?

Perceiving

People who prefer to use their perceiving process in the outer world like to live in a flexible, spontaneous way, seeing to experience and understand life, rather than control it. Detailed plans and final decisions feel confining to them; they prefer to stay open to new information and last-minute options. They are energized by their resourcefulness in adapting to the demands of the moment.

My friends response to my test was this.....

There is more to it, but that is the basic summary of your type. (and I must say it describes you to a T) :-p

Well Andrew...I think so too.

Someone like me

I came across the blog of an incredibly open woman who speaks her mind and tells it like she feels it. She talks about the ups and downs of parenting, about how its not easy for all of us.

She swears and drinks. In most peoples eyes this would be considered foul or in the wrong, but to me it makes her human. It makes her honest. Her desire to be only herself, good or bad shines through in every post.

She talks about how parenting doesn't always come naturally to all of us and how much harder it can be to keep your head above water. Specifically, a post she wrote called wearer of many hats really spoke to me. You can take a look at the post by copying the link below.

http://nikkisblitheringblog.momswhodrinkandswear.com/2011/02/28/wearer-of-many-hats.aspx

Cleaning house

Well apparently its time to clean the house out.

Its clear I have people on my facebook page that are clearly not my friend anymore. They are busy judging me and being crude. People that choose to stay in my life so that they can have a good ole time judging me and pointing fingers.

Well my dear friends, this is about to change.

I am posting this as an open forum for you to speak your mind. If we shouldn't be any kind of "friends" then that is fine with me. I know who the people that love me are. And I know who I am. You don't have to like me or put up with me. I know I wouldn't put up with you if you were not being fake to my face and being honest instead.

So I am off to get my delete on.

Peace out!