Yesterday we went to visit her. She looks so content and peaceful. Walking around in her favorite kind of clothes. We are the loungewear queens her and I.
I stood there in my pajama pants just looking at her for a minute. The look on her face when my babies walked in was pure happiness. She misses them, I know how much she loves them. She loves like me, without limits and with a pure heart.
Seeing her freedom means so much to me. She is learning so much about herself. How much strength she has in her and how much more she can gain. How to control her emotions and own her life. I can not wait to see how she soars.
Today I got up and hugged my babies. They are growing so fast and lately all I can think about is keeping them safe and giving them the strength to be incredible people. Whether they want to be parents, doctors or garbage peoples...
I just want them happy.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Friday, January 22, 2010
Day 10 Some peace in the war
I spent last night in the tub. Just me, the bubbles and my thoughts. It was exactly what I needed. Sometimes I get so much going on in my head, filling my thoughts and controling my heart.
I know we are doing what is right. I know she is safe and that god will help her heal. She has an amazing faith. Its a very strong bond that I have with, our faith. I have said so many times before that I am a strong believer in god and I have an incredible faith.
I believe in my heart that things will work out as they should be. That she will stay in the safe and healthy place that she is in and continue to grow in strength and love.
Faith can be so strong if you let it lead you.
I know we are doing what is right. I know she is safe and that god will help her heal. She has an amazing faith. Its a very strong bond that I have with, our faith. I have said so many times before that I am a strong believer in god and I have an incredible faith.
I believe in my heart that things will work out as they should be. That she will stay in the safe and healthy place that she is in and continue to grow in strength and love.
Faith can be so strong if you let it lead you.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Day 9...Extended angry edition
I am angry. So very very angry.
Why it is okay for you to lie and play games? Why can't you own what you have done to the people around you? The people you were suppose to protect and love. No, instead you turn everything around on everyone else and you own nothing.
I know you read my words. I know you spy on me and make accusations. I don't let those things bother me. I don't because I *know* you are wrong. You have been mean and hurtful for so long. You don't want to change, you want everyone around you to change into what and who you think they should be.
Your a sad person. A mean, hurtful, and coniving person.
A BAD PERSON.
Why it is okay for you to lie and play games? Why can't you own what you have done to the people around you? The people you were suppose to protect and love. No, instead you turn everything around on everyone else and you own nothing.
I know you read my words. I know you spy on me and make accusations. I don't let those things bother me. I don't because I *know* you are wrong. You have been mean and hurtful for so long. You don't want to change, you want everyone around you to change into what and who you think they should be.
Your a sad person. A mean, hurtful, and coniving person.
A BAD PERSON.
Day 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 and 9
The last week has been spent trying to put my life back in order.
I feel so much peace in knowing she is thriving so well. Now that she is truly starting to see the entire magnitude of the pain and hardship she was enduring. She is such an amazingly strong person inside and out. She knows she is loved and that we are doing everything we can to keep her safe and healthy.
Now I am trying to get my family healthy. We have all endured so much stress worrying about her and trying to make things work. Its all so worth it, so very worth it. That doesn't make it easy though.
Slowly, but surly we are making progress. Incredible progress that shows me how very worth everything we are going through is. I tell her everyday that 2010 is her year to shine and show everyone what she is made of and who she is. I know she will own it and prove it.
Yesterday was Bugs birthday. My little boy turned one and she was not here to see it because my home is not safe for her. I will fix that. I will change that. She was so very sad about missing it, but I assured her that he knows how much she loves him.
We all know.
I feel so much peace in knowing she is thriving so well. Now that she is truly starting to see the entire magnitude of the pain and hardship she was enduring. She is such an amazingly strong person inside and out. She knows she is loved and that we are doing everything we can to keep her safe and healthy.
Now I am trying to get my family healthy. We have all endured so much stress worrying about her and trying to make things work. Its all so worth it, so very worth it. That doesn't make it easy though.
Slowly, but surly we are making progress. Incredible progress that shows me how very worth everything we are going through is. I tell her everyday that 2010 is her year to shine and show everyone what she is made of and who she is. I know she will own it and prove it.
Yesterday was Bugs birthday. My little boy turned one and she was not here to see it because my home is not safe for her. I will fix that. I will change that. She was so very sad about missing it, but I assured her that he knows how much she loves him.
We all know.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Day 2: The proof
I saw her today. She looks so different. She is the same, but completely different all at the same time. Who knew that some love and attention could make your cheeks be fuller and you skin rosier.
I want for her to heal so badly. To feel like she is worth it and to see that she is amazing. She is so strong. So smart and just so freaking amazing. I see so much when I look at her.
In just 10 days she has grown. That means everything to me.
I want for her to heal so badly. To feel like she is worth it and to see that she is amazing. She is so strong. So smart and just so freaking amazing. I see so much when I look at her.
In just 10 days she has grown. That means everything to me.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Day 1
Its been 9 days since my life changed.
Its been such an eye opening experience for me. So many things that I just let be because I thought I could do nothing about them. Things I labeled as being "Just the way it is". Oh how wrong I was. Oh how much I didn't know, but I was not surprised. I knew better and I am so disappointed in myself for just standing by and doing nothing.
I know this process we are going through is nessecary. I know its whats fair. I don't FEEL like its right though. To question what you see and what you know is so hard for me. So I will be supportive. I will be strong and I will be right where I should be.
I started with 4. 3 left, and 3 came in. The end result is the same, but the equation is different. This will take some getting used to for everyone.
I am here for you honey. I will ALWAYS be here.
Its been such an eye opening experience for me. So many things that I just let be because I thought I could do nothing about them. Things I labeled as being "Just the way it is". Oh how wrong I was. Oh how much I didn't know, but I was not surprised. I knew better and I am so disappointed in myself for just standing by and doing nothing.
I know this process we are going through is nessecary. I know its whats fair. I don't FEEL like its right though. To question what you see and what you know is so hard for me. So I will be supportive. I will be strong and I will be right where I should be.
I started with 4. 3 left, and 3 came in. The end result is the same, but the equation is different. This will take some getting used to for everyone.
I am here for you honey. I will ALWAYS be here.
Friday, December 18, 2009
Is this thing on?
What? You want to know where the hell I have been for the last three months? OY VAY!
I can tell you that I have rarely sat still in the last year. With three kids, two arms and a hell of a busy schedule I can't believe Christmas is a week from today and that my little boy will be 1 in a little over a month. Where did the year ago? How on earth is my last baby almost 1??
To say I am freaking out on that one would be a complete and total lie. I am so torn between feeling excited about how life is going to change and being so very sad that I will never nurse another brand new baby. Sappy much? *insert tissue here*
Being a mother is one of the most amazing things I will ever do in my life. Its a non stop, stressful, and completely enjoyable job to have. I love seeing my children grow and enjoy things. Watching their minds work and explore is absolutely amazing.
With Christmas just around the corner, I am reminded of the special people in my life that bring me such joy and how lucky I am to be me. I have an amazing husband, I loving and supportive best friend and the *family* I choose to have.
Its eye opening to realize that just because someone is realated to you does not make them good for you, and that just because someone has always been there, doesn't mean they will be there forever. So for now, I am living in the moment. The crazy moment that is my incredibly blessed life and I know I am right where I should be.
I can tell you that I have rarely sat still in the last year. With three kids, two arms and a hell of a busy schedule I can't believe Christmas is a week from today and that my little boy will be 1 in a little over a month. Where did the year ago? How on earth is my last baby almost 1??
To say I am freaking out on that one would be a complete and total lie. I am so torn between feeling excited about how life is going to change and being so very sad that I will never nurse another brand new baby. Sappy much? *insert tissue here*
Being a mother is one of the most amazing things I will ever do in my life. Its a non stop, stressful, and completely enjoyable job to have. I love seeing my children grow and enjoy things. Watching their minds work and explore is absolutely amazing.
With Christmas just around the corner, I am reminded of the special people in my life that bring me such joy and how lucky I am to be me. I have an amazing husband, I loving and supportive best friend and the *family* I choose to have.
Its eye opening to realize that just because someone is realated to you does not make them good for you, and that just because someone has always been there, doesn't mean they will be there forever. So for now, I am living in the moment. The crazy moment that is my incredibly blessed life and I know I am right where I should be.
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